Black Enough - Why Would Anyone Ask That Question?

Once again, the liberal ("mainstream") media has been doing a shoddy job at reporting this presidential campaign season (if only baseball season lasted as long!), and it is up to the Grimary Gource to pick up the pieces. For a few months now, the question that is being asked of and to Barack Saddam Obama is: "Is (are) he (you) 'black enough?'" Answers to this question run the gamut from "yes" to "no." Occasionally, some ill-spoken "hip-hop fred" will balk at the question, but they are always dismissed as being too maladjusted to really understand the issue here. While this is true, there is a modicum of exactness to their discomfort with the question. Since when have we, as a society, considered levels of blackness to be the standard by which we measure our political leaders? We judge them by other values. The question we should be asking is: Is Obama white enough?
Throughout our nation's political history, the whitest candidate has been the one elected, and with good reason. The 1860 defeat of Geronimo by Abraham Lincoln marked a decisive point in this history. Though Lincoln was certainly not nearly as white as, say, Jefferson "The Decider" Davis, the Democrat's nomination of a non-white Semi-American (some things never change!) left Americans little choice but to elect the whiter of two evils, "The Great He-Mancipator."
Today, this issue is just as significant. Our White Presidents have rarely led us astray, and we owe it to our Founding Fathers (except that ten dollar hack) to continue this proud tradition. Mitthew Romney may be our man. Our white man.

The Death of Karl Rove - How Will We Cope Without Him?

Today marked the unfortunate passing of an era. At 8:45 this morning, after numerous aborted chess games, the Grim Reaper collected his due and carted off Karl Rove, along with his whole family in an apparent collection of some unholy debt. He was 3,000 years old.
Though, by contract, Rove had a solid four years left in his life, his time was cut short by a series of hunting accidents during which Rove was mistaken for a homosexual by hunting companions Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts and Roberts' handyman/pool cleaner Ronald. According to reports, the chess sets were wooden, and Death played the black pieces (Karl Rove reportedly refused to touch the black pieces, even as strategic moves within the game. This, as much as anything else, led to his loss of the game and his life).
Rove is survived by Condoleeza Rice and her simian army.