The Grimary Gource

Michael Phelps - Can't We Rally Around Him?

2008-08-21T21:45:00.002-05:00

Honestly, The Gource tends to be a bit unenthused by the Olympics. For one thing, it pits our athletes against those from other nations, something that should only be done on the battlefield. Also, it often leads to debacles (pictured). But this year, we finally have reason to celebrate: a white person has been performing splendidly against foreigners.
Michael Phelps has been showing the world that there is a good reason to hold the Olympics somewhere other than America: it gives our opponents less distance to go when they run home crying.
Frankly, it has been a difficult year for the Olympics. Americans stateside have had to endure the whining of pan-Asians (probably) about the alleged missteps China has taken in its treatment of Tibet (Still? Really? What year is it that we're still discussing this?) and its involvement in the War for The Hearts and Minds of the Sudanese and Also Most of Their Limbs. While the Gource absolutely does not support what China is doing (ever), neither does it support waiting over ten minutes at an important intersection because people have an enormous complaining banner.
And so the Gource anticipated a disappointing Olympics, the sort where people from other countries beat people from our own (American) one. Luckily, that did not happen.
Meet the white man who is beating everyone:
Something to think about whenever anyone suggests that white people aren't superior.

The Holocaust - Can it be Proven?

2008-02-29T21:46:00.004-05:00

Recently, the Belgian author of a Holocaust-related memoir admitted that she made the whole thing up. This raises a very important question: Is there any non-fictionalized evidence that the Holocaust actually happened?

It has been a long time since this has been timely, but there are two important Holocaust questioners to know about. One of them famously discussed his skepticism at a well-known United States University, and was largely reviled by so-called "historians" and "Jews."
The other just died. In his absence, maybe it is time to re-raise the question: Did the thing happen? Or is it a myth? Or did it happen to, like, a couple guys, and then got blown out of proportion?
Remembering the Holocaust, one will turn to historical documents such as Schindler's List, Life is Beautiful, Sophie's Choice, and Jakob the Liar. These movies all have something in common: they benefit directly from the public believing in the Holocaust. If it had never happened, nobody would see these awful, boring movies (and it's spelled J-A-C-O-B, thank you very much). It would seem that there is no substantial non-fiction non-movie on the subject.
The issue is not yet resolved.
The Gource has long viewed itself a reconciliatory publication (except when we are purposely trying to divide people against each other). Here we discuss the way to completely submit to both science and religion, without ignoring either. It is not necessary for everything true to be proven. Case in point: God. And Reaganomics. So, maybe there is not extant evidence that the Holocaust really occurred, but we at The Gource have faith that it did.

America's Incarcerated - Can't We Do Better?

2008-02-28T16:01:00.005-05:00

Wise up, America. According to a recent article in the Jew York Times, over 1% of American adults are in jail or prison. This is the highest the proportion has ever been. Frankly, this sort of item is the kind of wake-up call we need: Time to put more people in prison. The Grimary Gource will not be satisfied until only 1% of American are free.

Reader, think about yourself, and then think about 99 other people, preferably liberals. How many of those people deserve to be walking the streets, panhandling for "green" organizations and voting to close American businesses? If you're thinking clearly, the answer should be "one:" you.
But how to best accomplish this feat? Luckily, you are reading the only website that can answer that question. First, we need to step up the penalties for drug-related offenses, especially marijuana ones. Offer monetary bonuses to any police officer who arrests someone for suspected use or possession of this dangerous drug, and make the minimum prison sentence for such a crime Thirty Years. Also, start enforcing sodomy laws (I'm certain the Supreme Court is ready to overturn its previous anti-Texan ruling).
Next, abolish the death penalty. Now, I'm aware that this is a controversial statement to make, especially when the death penalty has so far successfully managed to deter crime such that the nationwide murder rate has been dropping steadily since the United States was founded (98% of the population was murdered in the year 1777 -- know your facts). However, what if we commuted all death sentences, allowing the swelling prison populations to serve as grim reminders to the free population that they, at any time, could be asked to share a cell with one of these men (we will find a way to get rid of women too, unless they start pulling their weight, crime-wise [actually, overturning Roe v. Wade and prosecuting babymurdering would be a great start]).
But what will become of our economy? I hear alarmists and human rights craptivists ask. Come on, don't be dense. If we continue to use our prison population for cheap labor (we needn't legally pay them minimum wage-- don't tell me this isn't a Great Nation), we can continue to have a working economy, one with almost universal slave labor. This can actually only help our economy by making the rich (readers of This Publication) richer.
So get on board, readership. Write to your Congressman or Presidential campaigner of choice (like you really have one) and tell them to make this issue a cornerstone of their campaign and term in office. A check would also help. You can also send the check to the Gource, and we will mail it along for you.

American Christians - Can't They Do Something Right?

2007-12-12T19:29:00.000-05:00

Yes, we've been stagnant lately. No, we don't care enough about you to make it happen more frequently. Get over it. If you want more updates in this blog, go ahead and write them yourself.

Unfortunately, recent events have caught our attention and made posting in this web publication necessary. Those who pay any attention at all to Important News are well aware of the War on Christmas. It has been a long, drawn-out war in which some people (read: The Jews) are trying to replace the friendliest greeting of the year, "Merry Christmas," with a weaker, more offensive substitute, "Go Die." It should be apparent to everyone with at least half a brain that these do not mean the same thing. Trying to replace our national tradition of wishing people a Merry Christmas when they buy our products is like trying to replace Uncle Sam with Tevye the Dairyman.
Recently, this crisis reached a head, as a small-minded Jew on the New York City subway responded to seasonal greetings of "Merry Christmas" with his own twisted "Happy Channukkah." The right-minded Christians, tired of the oppressive, Jewish atmosphere in Jew York City, attacked him. Luckily, they outnumbered him and his Jew-friends ten-to-three.
Problem solved, right? Historically, every time Jews have been outnumbered they've been beaten into submission. Unfortunately, this was not the case. First of all, it is certainly possible that these Christians were not devout enough. One of them said, "Oh, Hanukkah. That's the day that the Jews killed Jesus." This is incorrect. Good Friday is the day that the Jews killed Jesus. Know Your Facts.
Next, a Muslim man, a "student," intervened and held off many of the Christians until the Jew who made the inflammatory comment stopped the train. There is no further evidence necessary of the Jews' stranglehold on the New York underground. Nor of Muslims' brute force, the sort of thing that it can take years of our military's time to effectively combat. The police are charging the ten Christians, and they may even be charged with a hate crime.
Come on, American Jewry. Isn't enough enough? Can't you give up our nations subways, if only for the Christmas season? Please, we're trying to be civil: Stop this nonsense or we'll beat you up. If all you've got is Muslims on your side, you know everybody else hates you.

Day Two of Islamofascismawarenessweek - What Will You Do?

2007-10-23T10:26:00.000-05:00

Honestly, the Grimary Gource is a little disappointed. We are aware of our status as trailblazers and visionaries, and we are even used to being imitated occasionally. But really, don't our imitators understand when enough is enough? Yesterday, we made it clear that we would be providing up-to-the-minute coverage of Islamofascistawarenessweek. This, needless to say, was all some publications needed to start their own "coverage" of this event. The Gource would have been less disappointed if these "publications" had even a modicum of respect for the subject about which they're writing.
Here they discuss the plight of Christians in Muslim countries. At this point, one of their "writers" might be thinking, "How come The Grimary Gource is not discussing the way that Christians are victimized, every day, the world over?"
The answer should be obvious. Christians do not need any help from The Gource (or any paper substitutes). Christians are the only people in the whole world who possess the strength of heart, the courage of perseverance, to weather the coming Muslim storm. Suggesting that they need our help means that we do not trust them enough to visit upon the Muslim people their full wrath, as they have done so many times before. Nice try.

Islamofascismawarenessweek Kickoff Events!

2007-10-22T10:12:00.000-05:00

As all right-thinking persons know, this week is Islamofascismawarenessweek, a week devoted to showing the dangers of radical Islam, a problem currently ignored by almost everyone in the United States (and all other White Places on Earth). In brief, the point of Islamofascismawarenessweek is to increase awareness of Islamofascism, a brand of Islam that encompasses all Muslims, the world over. It is high time that someone discussed, for example, the lack of rights given to women in Islamofascistcountries, and American conservatives are the ones to do it.
To get the week started off right, The Gource recommends asking a Muslim person (any one will do) to justify the astonishingly intolerant and inhuman behavior, of, for example, the practice of slavery in the Muslim world as recent as 1878. If they try to deny involvement, you know they are a terrorist.

The 2008 General Election - Must We Cover It?

2007-10-20T17:51:00.000-05:00

Well, enough is enough. For months now The Gource has been bombarded by maladroit missives from morons demanding that we cover This Current Election. Frankly, The Gource does not need the advice of our readers -- if you were smarter, you would be providing content to this Glog. The time has come, however, to begin such coverage, and The Gource is not interested in hearing whether or not you agree.
A fine place to start this coverage would likely be last night's Republican debate, which careful political observers will remembers was Lolcats Themed. What made this unfortunate was the recent recusal of Sam Brownback from this election, seeing as his entire campaign thus far has been lolcats-based.
The other candidates fared just fine without him, although his absence was certainly notable, especially when a question of foreign policy devolved into an all-out shouting match between Giuliani and Thompson, with Giuliani's "im in ur country -- defending ur borders" met in turn with Thompson's "i can has presidency?"
The real surprise of the evening came from Mike Huckabee, who compared legalized abortion to the Holocaust. As Huckabee laboriously explained, "the germins koodnt giv joos the life they deserv, so, like a pregnint mother, abortid them."
Mitthew Romney seemed confident through all of this, though, knowing that polls had placed him in front of all other Republican candidates. His one contribution was during a question about moral legislation, during which Romney quietly noted "im with crist."
As further debates occur, expect The Gource to cover them. Come here for your best information on who will win this election.

Iraq - Do They Even Know Who They Are?

2007-10-16T18:06:00.000-05:00

You'd have to be an idiot to be able to go a week without hearing members of the hoi polloi whining about Blackwater. If you are like me, you ignore any reporting of current events not addressed in the Grimary Gource, which means you have no idea what Blackwater is and think it might be some anti-industrial pollution-themed propaganda. Wrong, but I like your attitude.
Blackwater is actually a private militaristic organization that we, The United States, placed in Iraq. As the Gource has mentioned before, the U.S. has foolishly built up its military from the unwashed and stupid, creating a force that is scrappy and mentally disabled, ensuring loss at any head-to-head matchup. In its infinite wisdom, our government has hired a group of trained mercenaries to police Iraq, which is swiftly and inexplicably becoming unstable. Needless to say, some liberal crybabies are complaining that the Soldiers of Fortune at Blackwater have been randomly firing into crowds of civilians, killing any non-white person they can see.
Recently, the "Prime Minister" of Iraq has asked the United States to pull Blackwater out of Iraq. The Gource is not interested in debating whether or not Iraqi civilians deserve to be fired on (yes) or whether Blackwater should stay or go (stay). Frankly, the Gource is more concerned by the stupidity apparently rampant in Iraq's leadership.
Few of our readers will be old enough to remember Saddam Hussein, so here's a quick primer: he was a Muslim fanatic who conspired with the Jews to blow up the World Trade Center and attack some of our most valuable fields. We went into Iraq to see if he had any nuclear weaponry, and found that not only did he have SO MANY nuclear weapons, but his own people also hated him. They were too weak to get rid of him, so we sneaked into his castle and shot him through the head.
Here is a message to the people of Iraq: Who the hell do you think you are to try to get a whole paramilitary organization out of your company? You couldn't even handle kicking out a mustachioed fat man. Get serious, Iraq. We'll kick Blackwater out ourselves once we've funded them enough that they take over the country and have policies we dislike.

The Gays - Why Are We Unable to Contain Them?

2007-10-13T19:40:00.000-05:00

Recently, the Vatican suspended a priest for being gay and claiming that it's not a sin. Those who are unfamiliar with The Gource may think that this is a rare occurrence of a Thing That Doesn't Frustrate Me. Those people are idiots. Frankly, this suspension may be the beginning of a painful end to a centuries-long tradition that has kept our society stable.
It is well-documented that homosexuals are ill-suited to careers in public office. Furthermore, they cannot be teachers or police officers, and they have absolutely ruined Broadway for the rest of us. Since there have been jobs, gays have been unwelcome to hold them. This is why they have long been relegated to the clergy, where they can discreetly do their disgusting business to other dudes without the rest of us having to think about it, see it, or hear about it, ever.
Then documentaries like Deliver Us From Evil threw a spotlight on the sex lives of those behind the collar, and the public was outraged, and now we have to think about sodomy, which is something the Gource tries to avoid at all times (both the thinking and the doing). The Vatican used to be highly skilled at shuffling its deck of priests so that no deviant would get bored of the same group of children and be thus inclined to go public with their pederasty/homosexuality. Now, out of nowhere, it is letting the public know that one of its priests is gay, and is pretending that this isn't exactly the way this works.
Listen, we're aware that the Catholic Church is under new management, but this sort of disrespect for the way things are done and a complete disregard for the past is becoming the hallmark of this Papal administration. If they don't get their asses in gear out there in Vatican City, they may find people looking to other denominations where gays are more welcome.

Improvement - What's Wrong With That?

2007-10-12T20:09:00.000-05:00

Absolutely nothing, of course. But all of a sudden, people are saying that it is "bigoted" to suggest that a group of people improve themselves. If this is the America in which we're living, this is an America that could stand some perfecting itself.
Specifically, we are referring to the comments made by a well-respected political pundit. Ann Coulter, long alone as a mouthpiece of Rightness and Justice, has explained that Christians "just want Jews to be perfected." This, for whatever reason, is drawing fire from some high-powered Jews. Frankly, The Grimary Gource feels that Miss Coulter was being far too charitable.
Some people are born privileged, some are not. This is just the facts. Those that fail to be born Christian probably are, in the Gource's estimation, unsalvageable. If science suggests otherwise, the Gource holds firm that these Jews are not worth saving.
Miss Coulter, somehow, has taken a far more charitable tack. She is suggesting, against all evidence, that Jews are reformable. This is patently absurd. The issue we should be taking with Miss Coulter's comments is not that she suggested that Jews are imperfect; it is suggesting that they have the potential to improve. Until such time as the Jews vote, en masse, for a candidate who does not endorse the things that matter most to them (money-grubbing, baby-boiling), we will remain in a world where the Jews can be ignored as a voting bloc (seriously, they're like 2%, tops, of the voting public).

Police Brutality - When is it Appropriate?

2007-09-20T01:21:00.001-05:00

College students are known for being some of the most unpleasant, misinformed, unhygienic, and malnourished people in this magnificent country. It should come as no surprise then that they are also some of the most likely to find themselves on the business end of a healthy dose of Police Brutality. What is surprising is the inevitable confused, indignant, and hungover outcry that seeps and stumbles forth from the student population in response to Incidents like the one that occurred earlier this week in Florida. If, for whatever reason, you’ve managed to avoid this news (maybe you’re so loyal a reader as to only receive important news from the Gource) you can watch the incident yourself:

Let’s take a moment to examine the video, and to see what solid facts we can discern, as knowing one’s facts is the first step in making a decision about an issue.

Fact: the student in question is undeniably obnoxious, making outrageous claims relating to the “real” outcome of the 2004 election.
Fact: the student belabors the topic of disenfranchised black voters – a term that, in an ideal world, would be redundant.
Fact: the student speaks much too loudly – the purpose of a microphone is to eliminate the need for witless, inarticulate scum-people to shout their zygotic thoughts, though by their very nature microphones are dangerous in their ability to broadcast these thoughts to large groups of people.
Fact: the student acts in an unreasonable and disruptive manner after being confronted by the police. Freedom of expression is guaranteed under this country’s constitution, and I think it’s important to realize that tasering is a valid form of expression employed by cops to convey sentiments of frustration towards scrotum-faced rabble-rousers. Furthermore I do not want to hear any “if’s,” “and’s,” or “but’s” regarding the extent to which freedom of expression is guaranteed.

Finally, the most important fact: the student is unaware of how magnificently annoying his behavior is, and, as a result, why the police deemed his arrest a just course of action. The startling lack of sentience exhibited by the student leads me to question whether or not the being in question can truly be considered human on a metaphysical level. He might look and sound human(ish), but one of the qualifying factors of being admitted into our supreme species’ ranks is one’s ability to recognize that one exists and can interact with the environment. I’m not going to bore you with a bevy of dull, dry, and damning philosophical evidence capable of sentencing this shouting troublemaker to sub-human status beyond a shadow of a doubt, as any reasonable person has already reached the logical conclusion that the recipient of this Police Brutality is not, in fact, a person.

One might look at this viewpoint and try to argue that as a sub-person the student is not subject to the laws he allegedly broke. Incorrect. You don’t have to be human to disturb the peace – I’ve had numerous neighbors with numerous dogs that proved this fact on a nightly basis. However, I am fairly confident that one can’t reasonably get upset with officers of the law using non-lethal subduing force on any noisy elephant, cussing macaw, or dangerous echidna that happens to wander into a Q&A session with a former presidential candidate. This student is no different. Had animal control been around I’m sure they could have handled the situation with tranquilizers and net-launchers, but they weren’t, so instead of getting outraged at what hippies, coddling mothers, and weaklings would describe as “excessive force” the American people ought to be upset over the excessive restraint police showed by not simply dropping this vocalization-enabled-asshole with a noisy serving of .40 caliber “shut up” Justice.

Sally Field - What Does She Know About Anything?

2007-09-18T00:04:00.002-05:00

Nothing. What do I know: That I should really just stop committing time to televised award shows, as my track record with these programs hasn’t been great. However, it’s too late to apply this lesson to the Emmys, since I already watched them. Maybe you’ve heard about the alleged controversy that’s risen out of the ashes of this hateful 8 hour stretch of TV. If not, I’ll briefly fill you in.

Sally Field, a woman best known for being famous over thirty years ago for reasons nobody can recall has a well-documented history of terrible acceptance speeches. Apparently she won an Emmy last night (don’t ask me what for, I was fairly engrossed in designing the handsome new logo you no doubt notice at the top of this page. However, as Sally Field began yammering into the microphone I was at once unable to ignore the Emmys. My inability to ignore her was influenced by two things: the idiocy of her words and the infuriating voice God cursed Sally Field with, a voice she used to say her idiotic words. Please endure the following video of the event:

Now, you no doubt know how I feel about fat people, ugly people, irrational people, precocious women, and liberals. How unfortunate for me (and you, and everyone we know) that Sally Field happens to be all five of these things? I’m almost tempted to be annoyed with the Fox Network for failing to provide viewers with an adequate warning about the presence of this troll. I guess, however, their correct decision to cut her off and censor her egregious use of the Lord’s name makes up for their lack of foresight.

The issue is not that celebrities frequently voice their misled, unfounded, and unreasonable opinions on politics (often in the form of poorly structured sentences and/or music), it’s that they continue to get away with it. I realize that there’s a sliver of a margin of a percentage of people who might, inexplicably, agree with Sally Field on the issue of war, but I also know that there is a strong, vocal, and properly hostile majority willing to speak out in favor of the Act. It’s this group’s failure to retaliate that I’m confused by. Why do soldiers, their mothers, and people capable of thought and violence let these Hollywood elitists speak to us this way as though we were helots? This absolutely will not stand, and so I demand you, dear readers, to punch a celebrity square in their face should you happen upon one on the street.

Hurricanes - Why are They Still an Issue?

2007-09-04T15:36:00.000-05:00

As Summer slowly gives way to its more solemn, serious, and respectable follower Autumn, the meteorologists (or weather-diviners for you traditionalists out there) find themselves hard at work taking up precious space and time on television sets across this Country. It’s hurricane season, and the news will Not Shut Up about it.

This in itself is no surprise to me, or anyone with an appropriate knowledge about the Lord and His Plans for the weather’s yearly dance. What’s troubling is the fact that, as a technological society, we have yet to overcome these storms that cost taxpayers, and network news watchers, so much of what they find important. What’s most vexing about the world’s continuing hurricane problem is the fact that it could easily be solved, but pressure from the plywood and evacuation-route sign industries have kept this solution under wraps, in the same way that environmentalists and retards will argue that the fuel industry has fought electric vehicles. Except this time, it’s the truth, and not THC-induced lunacy. Since we here at the Gource (myself especially) are committed to solutions, I will explain how to fix hurricanes for the future, in hopes that this information will be adopted by The Powers That Be in order to keep my television free of unnecessary hurricane coverage.

First, some information about hurricanes: hurricanes are enormous, hulking, water slinging storms that live in the ocean and don’t bother anyone until they stumble into resort-filled third world countries, thus putting rich Americans at risk of getting rained on. Hurricanes are not the world’s smartest weather systems – essentially they head for warm waters whenever possible. Unfortunately for third world islands, the water surrounding their beggar-strewn shores are frequently warmer than the open ocean, thus making them a target for hurricanes. Now, we haven’t got the technology to destroy a hurricane that is already formed, nor can we prevent them from coming into being in the first place. All we can do at the current time is divert them into smaller, poorer, and beach-resort-less islands by heating up the water surrounding said islands with thermonuclear weaponry. With the cooperation of the National Weather Service and the United States Military we could obliterate the hurricane problem as well as the poor island-nation problem and the we-have-too-many-warheads problem all in one fell swoop.

There you have it America, you’re welcome. Again.

P.S.

Before I get two (thousand) emails about how upsetting the use of WMD's on tropical waters would be to the ecosystems of said waters let me remind you, the reader/possible outraged emailer, that fish, hydras, aquatic mammals, and mollusks are among the least remarkable and most endangered species on the planet. Instead of looking at my proposed solution as "environmentally disastrous" try thinking of it as "finishing what we started."

Senate Ethics Violators - Can't We Punish Them More Thoroughly?

2007-09-02T10:25:00.000-05:00

Recently, as many of our more alert readers will have noticed, there has been a considerable dip in the rate at which Grimary Gource posts are published. This is because, as per usual, the Gource is designed by and large as a forum for complaint and criticism of the state of the world. Unfortunately (for you, the reader, not for we, the writers), we latched onto a politician whose opinions we can really enjoy, and as a result, our ire has rarely been lower.

In April or so, we semipermanently relocated to Idaho to diligently serve the interests of one Sen. Larry Craig. This was, of course, until recently, when it was reported by some low-grade scandal sheets that the once esteemed "Senasstor" was trying to engage in acts that are illegal outside the home, immoral in or out, and disgusting in theory and practice, with an undercover police officer. He has since resigned, pledging to spend more time with his wife and several mistresses.
This; as far as Guiles, Gade, Gunðer, Gephie, Galley and I are concerned; is not enough. We do not believe in "slap-on-the-wrist" punishments for offenders of crimes against the Lord and Science. The Republican Party is clearly too permissive of sexual deviants.
Over the years, many prominent members of Congress' Republican Party have been outed as homosexuals. They include Jon Hinson (R-MS), Robert Bauman (R-MD), Mark Foley (R-FL), Jim Kolbe (R-AZ), Ed Schrock (R-VA), David Dreier (R-CA), and now Larry Craig (R-ID). Frankly, the ease with which Larry Craig came out disturbs us. With such a history of closeted "homosexuals" voting Against gays and For decency, one would think that the Republican Party would do more to root out these catastrophes before they happen. Clearly, whatever they're trying is not working. It is time to try a new approach.
In 2002, Larry Craig voted against the inclusion of sexual orientation as a criterion for what constitutes a hate crime. Bully for him. Frankly, the idea of a "hate" crime is ridiculous. Many crimes are committed out of love. But he ultimately disappointed. His outing as a gay person is actually a hate crime against heterosexual voters from Idaho (there are some). So, to discourage further pre-Exodus activity within our congress, The Grimary Gource urges any and all persons with the means to commit what will soon be called a hate "crime" against the disgraced Senator. Hurry, though, because time is running out. This bill may reach the President's desk (to be Justly Vetoed) within months.

Black Enough - Why Would Anyone Ask That Question?

2007-08-18T14:08:00.001-05:00

Once again, the liberal ("mainstream") media has been doing a shoddy job at reporting this presidential campaign season (if only baseball season lasted as long!), and it is up to the Grimary Gource to pick up the pieces. For a few months now, the question that is being asked of and to Barack Saddam Obama is: "Is (are) he (you) 'black enough?'" Answers to this question run the gamut from "yes" to "no." Occasionally, some ill-spoken "hip-hop fred" will balk at the question, but they are always dismissed as being too maladjusted to really understand the issue here. While this is true, there is a modicum of exactness to their discomfort with the question. Since when have we, as a society, considered levels of blackness to be the standard by which we measure our political leaders? We judge them by other values. The question we should be asking is: Is Obama white enough?
Throughout our nation's political history, the whitest candidate has been the one elected, and with good reason. The 1860 defeat of Geronimo by Abraham Lincoln marked a decisive point in this history. Though Lincoln was certainly not nearly as white as, say, Jefferson "The Decider" Davis, the Democrat's nomination of a non-white Semi-American (some things never change!) left Americans little choice but to elect the whiter of two evils, "The Great He-Mancipator."
Today, this issue is just as significant. Our White Presidents have rarely led us astray, and we owe it to our Founding Fathers (except that ten dollar hack) to continue this proud tradition. Mitthew Romney may be our man. Our white man.

The Death of Karl Rove - How Will We Cope Without Him?

2007-08-13T18:33:00.000-05:00

Today marked the unfortunate passing of an era. At 8:45 this morning, after numerous aborted chess games, the Grim Reaper collected his due and carted off Karl Rove, along with his whole family in an apparent collection of some unholy debt. He was 3,000 years old.
Though, by contract, Rove had a solid four years left in his life, his time was cut short by a series of hunting accidents during which Rove was mistaken for a homosexual by hunting companions Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts and Roberts' handyman/pool cleaner Ronald. According to reports, the chess sets were wooden, and Death played the black pieces (Karl Rove reportedly refused to touch the black pieces, even as strategic moves within the game. This, as much as anything else, led to his loss of the game and his life).
Rove is survived by Condoleeza Rice and her simian army.

The End of Harry Potter - Are We Ready?

2007-07-18T11:19:00.001-05:00

As many of you have probably heard, there is a purloined copy of the unreleased Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows making the rounds all over the internet. Though The Grimary Gource generally disapproves of anything that encourages children to read (reading to should a tiring activity, joy from which is earned by slogging through Jane Eyre), we also strongly believe that people should know how these things end up, thus ruining the book-reading process for the rest of you. So, without further ado, here is the final page of the final book in the Harry Potter series spoiler alert:

National News - Do We Really Need It?

2007-07-10T10:25:00.000-05:00

"We hold these truths to be self-evident..." So begins a historically important document, co-authored by Thomas Jefferson and Uncle Sam. Now, in 2007, it appears that we are beginning to lose most of the values that are explicitly proscribed by our Founding Fathers and we are devolving into centralized monarchy. The problem, of course, is news reporting.

Our nation's Constitution includes an Amendment (one of the original Ten, so you know the Framers meant it) stating that, "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved for the States respectively, or to the people." This Amendment (the ninth if you don't count the third, which The Gource does not) has been consistently applied to explain that our states have supreme power over our federal systems (this is why there was no federal aid to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina -- Louisiana was expected to do most of the work). So why, indeed, should I turn on my local news station and be forced to sit through dozens of minutes discussing national news items?

Here, on CNN's "U.S." Page (Why should I be forced to look at international news? I don't live internationally, I live in America.), there is not a single story about the area where I live. This is positively atrocious behavior on CNN's part. It is time for us to take back our news sources.
We should eliminate any and all national news reporting at once, and replace it with local stories (bake sales OK) that apply to us. If I plan to travel to another place, I can call up someone from there and ask what the news is in that area. Otherwise, why would I need that information?
This "news" is just a misguided attempt to make us state-dwellers consider ourselves Nationals, an idea that is repugnant to myself and all others like me. Where are the Dixiecrats when we need them? Frankly, we would not have all these problems today if the Dixiecrats had won more (or any) elections.

Children - How Can Our Schools Best Prepare Them for a Life Without Sex?

2007-07-09T21:59:00.000-05:00

It is currently July (note: if you are reading this via our archives, the previous clause may not be true), which means we are fast coming up on School Season, a too-short period from about September to about June when parents may foist their progeny on the odiously overpaid teaching staff of our nation's hugely ineffective public schools and its all-too-rare Perfect Public Schools, and, of course, the bastions of democratic education and carpentry, Private Institutions of Learning and Education.
The point here, of course, is that with the coming school year is another exciting opportunity to drastically improve our failing schools. A recent survey of high school-age Americans and Latinos found that over 99% of them think that sexual intercourse between a man and a woman is "physically pleasurable," and about 57% of them "intend to do it someday, I hope." These numbers are shocking and disgusting.
The problem with abstinence-only education is that it assumes that schools can change kids' minds about sex. This is ridiculous. The aforementioned study shows how intent children are on having sex. There is a much better way for us to prevent our nation's young from engaging in this lecherous activity: the dissemination of misinformation.
Our schools need to stop suggesting that prophylactics are bad or nonfunctioning. We need to start recommending the use of actual nonworking prophylactics, but suggesting that they work well. The Gource's idea: sheets of paper rolled into cones. Using these as "condoms," we should explain, is the best-feeling and most effective way of engaging is sexual intercourse without any consequences (even emotional ones). When kids try to cover their penes with these ill-fitting (for most) devices, sex will be painful and uncomfortable, and the risk of pregnancy will be much higher than sex with condom use (roughly on-par with withdrawal). The negative experience of intercourse itself, not to mention eventually having a child (one that you will some day have to convince not to have sex) will turn kids away from sex and toward more productive activities, like the military.
You're welcome, schools of America.

Second Opinion: A Guiles Gonoughan Counter-Solution.

I don't mean to undermine my esteemed colleague, as his assessment of America's Sex Problem and his subsequent solution to the problem are both dead-on (as is to be expected from a Gource co-founder), but as the issue at hand is so important to the Nation's health I feel that my commentary on the matter is worthwhile, if not necessary. While the cone-condom solution is useful in its ability to make the act of intercourse one of appropriate shame and pain, it does nothing to help prevent our nation's children from developing an (unhealthy) desire to fornicate.
So, what can be done about this? Christianity, in its infinite wisdom, has been trying for centuries to eliminate the human sex drive, yet has met with limited results. As a result, I feel that something more must be added to the upbringing of America's youth in order to convey to them the evil of intercourse. The missing ingredient? David Lynch films. Don't get me wrong, I would never recommend that anyone watch one of Lynch's' works for recreational purposes, but the intent to educate supersedes the education system's obligation to treat its subjects like human beings (an obligation that I take issue with). Simply put, forcing students in grades 2 through 12 to watch Blue Velvet and Eraserhead once a month during every school year should be enough to anesthetize whatever base desires religion has failed to eliminate. Implementing this plan on a grand scale could prove difficult given the overwhelming lack of Perfect Public Schools, but I recommend that any Right Minded homeschooling parents who happen to be reading this use their children as preliminary test subjects for my solution. That is all.

Will You Be The First in Your Regiment, Congregation, or Country Club to Own Sensible Publications' Very Latest Release?

2007-07-08T11:04:00.000-05:00

Well?

In this age of radical change in dissemination, isn't it comforting to know that there is still a reliable arm of the printed word, one as yet un-sullied by the rampant liberalism in the media? That arm is Sensible Publications, proud offshoot of the Grimary Gource, and it exists to bring you, discerning and loyal reader, books that can be unilaterally trusted. The first release explored and ultimately, of course, solved, a complex subject that has compelled right-minded scholars for decades - how to more effectively facilitate the elimination of one of history's great problems. The world trembles at the much-anticipated upcoming appearence of A Life Without Mistakes, the autobiography of Guiles Gonoughan, Leader of the Army of Reason.

Today, Sensible Publications presents its second release -- again written by myself, Gunðer Gastergack, historian and Captain of Infantry in the Army of Reason:

The Forgotten Victims of Jackie Robinson, by Gunðer Gastergack.

The Yankees were forced to sell six-time All-Star Ewell Blackwell to Kansas City to make room for colored player Elston Howard. A heartbroken Blackwell was pushed into retirement and spent the last years of his life in a lunatic asylum.

In a landmark work, Gastergack has explored one of American baseball's most overlooked paradoxes: that the much-ballyhooed integration of the sport resulted in the loss of the jobs of dozens of capable, experienced men who were merely trying to provide for their families. The average sports fan thinks of the so-called heroics of Robinson and Larry Doby, but what is left unsaid is the fact that for every new black player entering the major leagues between 1947 and 1959, another man had to be let go by the club. Here, the stories of these men are told for the first time.
Gastergack introduces us to men like veteran Dodgers infielder Billy Sullivan, who was just trying to play one more year to pay for his son's operation before being cut to make room for Jackie Robinson. Here too is the story of Dutch Leonard, venerable twenty-year veteran, drinking himself to death after being callously released to make way for Ernie Banks.
The book contains not only heartrending stories like these, but also the larger picture. Gastergack compares this situation to the laying off of Americans in favor of overseas labor that plagues our country today. The Forgotten Victims of Jackie Robinson will forever change the way you view baseball's fallen color line.

Available in Hardcover Only. 289 pages, plus 20-page color insert featuring pictures of players and their families who lost their jobs to blacks. Sensible Publications, 2007.

Music Revue: Miles Donovan - Aren't You Tired of Embarrassing Yourself?

2007-07-06T21:29:00.000-05:00

Recently, we here at the Grimary Gource have begun receiving free CDs in the mail, perhaps from people making the assumption that we will positively review these albums and then album sales will finally beat out illegal downloads in the music-consumption race. It is important that we make it known here and now that we are not in the positive music review business, and frankly, the insinuation is fairly insulting. We are unhappy with the state of music today (frankly, everything following the cast recording of "Paint Your Wagon" has fallen flat on these Educated Ears).

That being the case, we were wholly unhappy to receive a new recording from Justice Truck Records, "conveys some feelings" by Miles D onovan.

To quell interest in future Gource reviews, we here present our feelings on this album:
Mr. Donovan, for all his efforts, has manged to produce a solid three-quarters-hour of some of the most difficult listening material since this. It can be assumed that Mr. Donovan left the third grade for employment in a Dickensian workhouse, as his lyrics have the same nonlyrical quality of a taskmaster's commands and, perhaps, the cracking of a whip over some young guttersnipes' heads. Consider this verse from the track (one hesitates to use the word "song") "Corduroy (Oh Boy Oh Boy)"

Putting them on
Taking them off
I'm putting them all on
Like Rachmaninoff

If Mr. Rachaninoff were alive today, I suspect he would have abandoned the piano, for fear of inadvertently influencing the musical non-stylings of Mr. Donovan. As for Mr. Donovan's alacrity at the keyboard, it is matched only by his ignorance of keys, time signatures, and--one may argue--notes. One can only suspect that he has abandoned the traditional white and black keys in an effort to employ some gray keys, and became so distraught at the discovery that none such keys exist, he opted to create them from an unholy amalgamation of the keys we know, all within measures of cruel, inhumanly punishing length.
Should Mr. Donovan choose to extend his career as a perpetrator of keyboard-related crime and various acts of musical vandalism, one must only suggest that he go the direction of similar types and stay beneath our radar, never to pop up in works of culture ever again.

Our grade: Latino

Independence Day - What Are You Doing to Help this Country?

2007-07-04T17:03:00.000-05:00

Today is Independence Day. Today is the most important day of the year. What are you getting The Country for its birthday? What? You haven’t already settled on a gift? Here, I’ll help you get this nation what it wants, all you have to do is answer a few questions.

1) Are you Motivated?
2) Are you literate?
3) Do you love the Christian God?
4) Can you use Harsh Rational Thinking to make important decisions?
5) Are you White?

If you answered “yes” to all five questions then you might be eligible for the Army of Reason, the Grimary Gource’s primary vehicle for national and world improvement. On this, my favorite holiday and the most significant day in the history of the world (including the future) I have decided to open the AR to serious applicants. Be warned, admission is highly selective, and rejection can be based on any number of factors, including, but not limited to: your age, weight, sex, gender, religion, race, ethnicity, height, eye color, and reading speed (those who read less than 450wpm need not apply). Once admitted to the AR your life will not be easy – I am not some videogame-playing slob like half the U.S. Military (God bless them), I am serious about efficiency and victory. If inducted to the AR you will have many responsibilities, including being ready to take up arms at any given moment in order to ensure the survival of logic and decency. If the thought of unloading a magazine of rounds into an obese person simply because that person is obese gives you pause don’t even bother trying to get in, seeds of your feeble nature will find no purchase in the rocky, honorable soil of the AR.

Speaking of obesity, members of the AR must be presentable at all times. Members' BMI's must fall within the suggested range stipulated by America's Moral Physicians. Men’s hair must not exceed 2.5 inches, and Foolish forms of facial hair (moustaches, goatees, soul patches, sideburns) will not be tolerated. Full beards are encouraged as they are often equated with wisdom, but if you’re unable to grow such a wise form of facial hair your face must remain clean-shaven – and I mean straight-razor clean, people who use electric razors are cowards and do not belong in the AR. Women’s appearance guidelines are less stringent, however having two X chromosomes makes admittance into the AR more difficult to begin with. I know that it’s 2007 and that Times have Changed for some, but like Newt Gingrich, I remain wary of women in the ranks of any military institution. Women with any kind of facial hair will not even be considered. The AR has a dress code as well, though I have opted not to write it out and decided instead to rely on simple and easy-to-follow guidelines: no garish colors, no double-breasted coats/jackets, no shorts, no skirts, no shirts with nonsensical and infuriating slogans on them. In fact, your first assignment as a foot soldier in the AR will be to inflict grievous bodily harm upon anyone you find wearing an “Ithaca is Gorges” shirt.

I trust that those who belong will do the right thing (always do the right thing), and I expect to see a number of application essays in my inbox by week’s end. Here are a few essay prompts:

In what ways have the powerful Jewish lobby conspired to discredit phrenology as a science?
Explicate the harmful nature of "rap" music as it compares to, say, playing chess with The Lord.
Imagine you are God. Write a press release explaining that you did not make gay people the way they are. Be creative! And divine!

Keep these to under one hundred words. Your time is swiftly running out.

Air Travel - Why Can't People Do It Better?

2007-07-01T02:07:00.000-05:00

Recently, this reporter was put in the uncomfortable position of being on an airplane for about twenty nonconsecutive hours. It was a necessary method for transporting myself to one of America's several follies, though in the future one would do better to take a train, or stay only within the areas of our Nation where white people have succeeded in eliminating all previously extant cultures.
During this time I was unfortunately forced to witness the breaking of many unwritten rules of air travel. As part of a long-term dedication the Gource has to enlightening the masses (and widening the A of R), we present here the Grimary Gource's Now Written (Actually, Typed) Rules of Air Travel. We recommend these rules be made mandatory by all major airlines, with United Nations penalties doled out to noncompliant airlines.

The space behind your seat does not belong to you. You are in a seat, and everyone around you is in a seat. All these seats are the same size (unless you are a coach class flier, in which case the Gource suggests you return to trolling for vampire porn, and wonders how you arrived at this site). You do not have any rights to airspace surrounding your seat, because that space is occupied. Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Do not lean your seat back. Just being able to do so does not give you the right to do this. If you need to recline to sleep, try not traveling, or possibly booking the whole flight. Stop leaning your seat back and bumping into the knees of people of superior size.
Movies shown should all be airplane-related disaster movies, in order to alert travelers to the possibilities of trouble. Snakes on a Plane, Airplane, and Blimp are all acceptable. Wild Hogs, however, is not. Not only does it include miscegenational casting, but it also glorifies motorcycle culture, a culture born of LSD and brake fluid.
Eliminate security checkpoints. They take too long to get through, and mingle first- and business-class passengers with coach. Why should we be forced to wait in line with terrorists and garment retailers? If the War on Terror were working, we wouldn't run the risk of terrorism on planes, because all Arabs, Muslims, South Asians, North Africans, biracial, and Hindu people would be outside of our country (possibly in Mexico). Just step up the deportation and let me get on my airplane.
Do not bring a baby on an airplane. Put it to sleep, and then make a new one (or not--please) upon return home.

With these tips, the Grimary Gource hopes that air travel will become more convenient for those of us worth it, and less convenient for those who shouldn't be flying anyway. Enough is enough. Unless the situation improves, expect Amtrak to be crowded with members of the A of R, and our money is worth plenty.

Technology Corner #2

2007-06-18T18:37:00.000-05:00

Today I'll be addressing a subject I get a lot of questions about, the likes of which I'm tired of answering individually.

High Definition - Why is it Important to Spend Your Money on It?

There are many things America does better than other countries: cars, electronics, healthcare, everything. But there are a few things that America does much better than other countries: television, action movies, and commercial radio. Throughout the history of their existence these three forms of American entertainment were a glorious privilege to enjoy, but within the past twenty years the falling costs of consumer electronics made it possible for just about anyone with a ratty knit-cap and a week’s-worth of food stamps to buy a television or radio and enjoy the cherished media past-times of the wealthy. Fortunately some of the most educated and maladjusted of this country – engineers – have been hard at work coming up with ways to make the media we already love even better and – more importantly – costlier. Enter High Definition.
High Definition (abbreviated HD) is a term that describes a variety of things. Most commonly known is its application to television (HDTV), but DVD’s and radio both have HD improvements available for those with discerning tastes and American Dollars. I won’t bore you with precise technical details, as their relevance to this particular article is limited, but suffice it to say that by adding High Definition to any given form of media its overall quality is vastly improved. Sounds get louder, visuals get more vivid, and those with the assets to invest in the equipment necessary to enjoy these improvements are rewarded for their contributions to the economy and for their successes in the Game of Capitalism.
High Definition Radio is probably the least-known of all the high definition options available to rich consumers. Basically, HD Radio is like the radio that poor people listen to, except its audio fidelity is much higher and you won’t accidentally stumble on any troublesome Spanish-only stations because they don’t exist on HD Radios, and I think we all know why. HD Radio broadcasts are all-digital, and require special HD Radio capable equipment in order to be enjoyed. Personally I’ve never taken the time to listen to HD radio, because I am a purist and will only enjoy music if it’s coming from something that was pressed on 180 gram vinyl, but I’m sure for radio-enthusiasts the Higher Definition is the only way to really enjoy the sounds of the (expensive) airwaves.
DVD’s have also received HD upgrades, but at the moment there is a bit of a catch to the whole affair: two different kinds of High Definition DVD media have emerged: Sony’s Blu-Ray format, and Toshiba’s HD-DVD. Both offer better picture quality and greater capacity for data storage than traditional DVD’s, and both require more expensive equipment in order to be utilized. As to which is better, well, that remains to be seen. Sony, in a valiant attempt to lock the unwashed out of the luxury of HD, decided to include Blu-Ray in their most recent and admirably-priced videogame console, the PS3. However, due to Sony’s decade of dominance in the videogame console market there is a large amount of brand loyalty to be found among the lower-income gamers of this country, a fact that’s soiled the perception that both the educated and the wealthy have of Sony. It’s for this reason that I support HD-DVD, with the added benefit that America’s Best Company also backs this format, ensuring that no ill will come from its adoption.
Finally, there’s High Definition Television. HDTV is, without a doubt, the most important thing to happen to the entertainment industry since movies started to talk. HDTV is like regular TV, but better in every imaginable way. HD replaces the antiquated and mathematically uncomfortable 4:3 aspect ratio of standard definition (SD) television with God’s Intended Widescreen (aspect ratio 16:9) and ups the resolution of the image viewers see by a significant amount.
You might be uncertain as to whether or not the improvements offered by High Definition justify the costs one has to pay in order to enjoy them. Here’s a hint: stop wondering, start buying. If you can’t afford the luxury of enjoying The Shield in glorious 1080p then I don’t want you taking up bandwidth that could be better used by somebody of Means by reading this blog.

The U.S. Military - Who is its Target Demographic?

2007-06-10T16:02:00.000-05:00

Recently, the Grimary Gource was attending a screening of the film Ocean's Thirteen (the Gource has attended every movie that's preceded by a trailer for Die Hard Day's Night). While waiting for the telltale sounds of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony (and ninth-best, as far as the Gource is concerned), I was forced to sit through an ad for the U.S. military. Here are some screenshots:

"Like playing video games?"

"Unable to afford college?"

"Join the army, do stuff that's sort of like playing a video game..."

"...We'll pay for college."

"There's strong, then there's..."

This is, of course, appalling. This sort of mass-marketing is designed to appeal to the ignorant and the underfed. That is not the sort of person we need defending our borders from terrorist Mexicans. What we need is an army made up of brilliant young people who are also extremely strong and aerodynamic. Here I am thinking of an army of Jack Bauers.
Like many other like-minded and strong persons, the writers (and readers) of the Gource avoid contact with simpletons and the poor. The best way to attract the Gource type is to push away those who would be easily influenced by advertising. So, once again, the Grimary Gource has the solution: a mass advertising campaign designed to make the military look unappealing. Here is the premiere of the best possible recruiting poster:

Strength for now, a coffin for later.

Illnesses - Why Do We Tolerate Them?

2007-06-03T14:08:00.000-05:00

Once, when I was a youth, I had chicken pox. I was out of school for some time, and missed a great deal of my first-grade education. When I returned, Gax Gravitz, a plucky boy who has since grown up to develop military-themed video games and other wastes of time (why not just join the military and get paid to shoot at things?) was far ahead of me in his schoolwork; I wouldn't catch up to him until the summer between first- and second-grade, when he taught me what negative numbers were (along with parallel parking, this proved to be information that I would never find useful outside of the educational sphere).

The lesson I learned from this experience was that illness is a fairly disastrous thing to experience; I was never sick again. My body also learned to fight off sickness: I spent a great deal of time around people with chicken pox in the years that followed, but my immune system refused to accept any germs (just as The Gource refuses to accept the germ theory).
We should demand the same from all Americans. When I read recently that there was an international panic related to the travels of a man infected with tuberculosis, I could only shake my head in shame. First of all, this man should not have tuberculosis. It is a disgusting, vile disease that infects only the morally questionable and discarded weak.
That notwithstanding, now we have a man who has a disease, and there's nothing that we can really do about that. My initial question was: why are people with diseases allowed to travel? Why do they hold jobs alongside upstanding, TB-free citizens? How did the HIV containment policies of the 80's go awry? The Gource was ready to recommend a series of privately-funded "hospitals," which would operate more like prisons in the sense that nobody would be allowed to leave or come in contact with the outside world.
This thought only lasted for a moment. With the way illegal immigrants are claiming every available unoccupied spot of land for their own welfare receiving needs, we really do not have the space to build these "hospitals." Furthermore, why would Americans want people with diseases (The Gource calls them "sickfaces") in our country at all?
So The Gource is, as always, ready to help out and offer a clean and easy solution. First, our national tourism boards should start heavily advertising foreign travel for sickfaces ("Other Countries Have Free Health Care for Tourists!" [actually, Michael Moore's upcoming travesty should serve this purpose nicely]). Once all the sick people have left the country, we close our borders completely. This will keep out sickfaces, illegal immigrants, and sick illegal immigrants (by far, the lowest type of person that exists on earth). In short, America will once again be the strong, proud, Healthy nation our forefathers created.

Sensible Publishing Announces New Release.

2007-05-09T11:04:00.000-05:00

You loyal readers are assuredly in a continued state of mild euphoria as we all await the next prophetic words from the leader of our ever-growing Army of Reason, Guiles Gonoughan, as dispensed as though from God on High through periodic publication of his autobiography, A Life Without Mistakes. What you may not know is that this long-awaited tome, which will soon assume an honored place next to the King James Bible in sensible bookshelves everywhere, is but one upcoming publication for newly-established Gource arm Sensible Publications. It is my pleasure to announce to the assembled Army of Reason, as Moses once did from his mountain-top, that the truth is about to trickle-down from the Almighty through His Agents.

The first upcoming work to be available from Sensible Publications, and to be offered in installments here at the Grimary Gource, is written by myself:

The Efficient Solution: Solving Eichmann and Himmler's Logistical Problems, by Gunðer Gastergack.

Himmler always looked very sensible.

Summary: Scholars have long agreed that Nazi allocation of valuable resources to extermination camps and especially to the railroad transportation of Jews and others diverted the economy and the efforts of troops at the front. Some have even suggested that it was the High Command's extrordinary commitment of time, money and men to solving the Jewish Question that caused the Reich's military defeats. In this ambitious new text, Gastergack takes us into the mechnanics of the Reich and offers new perspectives on how the Nazis could have more efficiently disposed of their unwanted citizens while simultaneously increasing the war effort. Join Gastergack as he lays out the blueprint that should have been taken to ensure a German victory. Available in Hardcover only. 538 pages, Sensible Publications, 2007.

Hemming and Hawing - Why Can't the Dumb of the Earth Just Cut it Out?

2007-04-30T17:27:00.000-05:00

Good lord and butter, America – you’re at it again. It seems that as the weather gets warmer and the taxes get filed the outspoken members of this country’s dumber sectors come crawling out of their low-income shanty-communes to voice their complaints about Whatever Is The Recent “Injustice,” shattering the peace and quiet and sanctity of sound itself. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Could be that you’re wondering where I’ve been for the past two months. I’ve been busy as my father is tall, my mother is dutiful, and my God is correct – that’s where I’ve been. I wrote numerous articles for the Journal of American Goodness, but it turned out that the guy financing the whole publication wound up getting called into duty in Afghanistan (I know, I was just as confused as you are), and we haven’t heard from him in a few weeks. I pitched a “Meet the Press” style show to Newscorp, but they refused to agree to my terms (including the one that stipulated that I would be the only person allowed on camera at any time) so I took my offer off the table. I wrote a screenplay about Andrew Jackson, entitled “America’s Hickory Hero: An Action Movie in Six Parts,” and it has since been bought by a studio, the name of which I am not legally allowed to tell you. My autobiography continues to gain chapters as I continue to live a wildly correct and engaging life. My associate G. GacGuffin has also been hard at work on projects of his own, and as a result the logic mill that is the Gource hasn’t been churning out quality thought at the rate you readers have all grown accustomed to. Do not expect an apology – you should know better. Here I am just the same, and that should be enough.

So, what is it that’s managed to pull me away from my important and lucrative duties for long enough to pen another piece of perfect prose? I’ll tell you: the unending and ignorant stream of complaints I’ve been finding in my inbox – both digital and classic – since the Grimary Gource’s inception. Below is but an example of a letter I received today, one that is fairly representative of the dreck I have to wade through on a daily basis:

Click here to view the attached page mentioned in the letter.

I know that anytime great genius is unleashed on a wide audience there is bound to be an indignant outcry from those of lower minds (this is colloquially known as “tardlash”), but this is more absurd than Kierkegaard, and not nearly as eloquent. This kind of idiotic complaining is especially relevant today, as another publication is being railed against by the clinically confused. I’ve got my own issues with the people in question, the most important of which is the fact that they seem unable to say anything without immediately buckling under the foolish weight of their (undeserved) tardlash. These people are not geniuses - on the contrary they are bumbling, inept, and sometimes-illiterate mouth-breathers with only half-decent senses of humor. They’re on the right track, but they’re still too timid to really go for the gusto, to say what needs to be said the way the Gource says it. Their hearts are in the right place, but their brains aren't, and as a result the work they do is infinitely simpler and easier for the roiling sea of flickering lightbulbs to understand, meaning that the misguided public outcry against them is much more substantial than what I have had to deal with. The Gource, with its compound complex sentences, is much more difficult for the masses to interpret, and therefore slug-headed cause-adopters haven’t got the cognitive prowess to be enraged by the words you find here. I might not have sympathy for anything, but part of me feels for those beleaguered and dumb writers who are being hassled endlessly by a whirling mass of unshaven armpits and poorly-fashioned hemp sandals. Nobody comes out on top in conflicts like these, because the Gource is already at the pinnacle.

The Health Risks of Feminism - Why Is This News-worthy?

2007-03-29T14:14:00.000-05:00

Recently, a Swedish study reported that women who earn the same amount of money as their husbands are more likely to become disabled, ill, or homosexual. It is not a leap to use this information to mandate that women make less money than men, or not work at all. This would, of course, all be for their own good. The Grimary Gource is unafraid to call Sweden out on this error.

Ever since man learned to use a rectal thermometer, science and medicine have consistently and without bias found that there are inherent risks to women acting too much like men. Hysteria, a nervous condition we have yet to cure today, causes women to go completely mad if they attempt to abstain from healing sexual intercourse with men.
But the Grimary Gource always knew that the health risks were not the main reason why women should abstain from feminism. The real risks are, of course, ethical. There can be no functioning society without very clear and well-established labor and social roles, and women have always been the people who do not work and are, once they come of age, sold to a rich family to improve her family's social standing. That is the way of the world. Who are we to change this?
So no, the Grimary Gource does not care that a new, completely neutral, foreign study has found more reasons why women will likely die or come undone. The Gource already knew that it was a bad idea, and the Gource never worries about health risks. The Gource's grimary concern is always the Best and Most Excellent way to live one's life, regardless of that life's length. And women earning as much as men is no way to live a life.

Honorary Degrees - Who Needs Them?

2007-03-24T11:10:00.000-05:00

Wake up, America's University and College students. It is increasingly clear that you have been wasting years of your life on a degree that is ultimately meaningless. According to the National Institute of Research for the Family, people with college degrees are eight times as likely to be murdered in their sleep by people without college degrees than are people without college degrees likely to be murdered in their sleep by family members, either by blood or by marriage. The numbers are chilling.
As many of you probably noticed, Presidential brother and champion sack-racer Jeb Bush was recently denied an honorary degree by the University of Florida (most popular major: obstetrics). As far as The Gource is concerned, this is excellent news for all concerned.
The "honorary degree" movement that has been sweeping the nation in the past few months is further devaluing the power of actually having a degree from an accredited Place of Learning. Why graduate Gufts if I can just wait until I am widely recognized for my Many Merits and thus granted an honorary degree? Furthermore, this may affect the murder rate in unforeseen ways. If anyone can get a college degree, it may be harder to tell who is likely to be murdered by whom, and then how will we know what crimes to preemptively stop? Frankly, the whole this is madness.
If you are prepared to lower your risk of death, The Gource recommends you drop out of any college program in which you may be enrolled. Also, write to your Senator and tell them how you feel about honorary degrees. Here is a template to fill out:

Dear Mr. (name of Senator),
It is high time that it be made illegal for colleges and universities to (give honorary degrees). These "degrees" destroy our ability to effectively combat crime, which puts an unreasonable burden on our law-enforcement officers, who are still learning to shoot. I am a (your job), and I not only vote, but I also (something civic you do; e.g., kill muggers, rewrite Japanese history books). Unless you make this an official law, you can count on my (organization you belong to; e.g., union, fight club) voting for whoever runs against you. Sucka.
Angrily,
(your name), reader of The Grimary Gource

Political Discourse - Why Doesn't It Include More Offensive Slurs?

2007-03-04T09:51:00.000-05:00

This article has been slightly edited from its original posting. It now includes the word "kike" in this introduction.

It is so rare that The Grimary Gource finds someone within the political process who speaks out in a way America can be proud of, so it is all too necessary that the Gource give kudos to Republican journalist/homemaker Ann Coulter, who finally outed John Edwards as a homosexual:

She has, of course, come under fire by the Orwellian Democratic Party, members of which are insisting that she be silenced for her "hate speech" (do they mean "straight speech?"). The Grimary Gource thinks that if Miss Coulter is going to quiet down on this all-too-important issue, there is only one option: we must take up her stead and continue what she started.
Not only is John Edwards a faggot, but we have it on good authority that Barack Obama is a skinny faggot bottom. You don't need The Grimary Gource to tell you that Hillary Clinton is a dyke, but did you know that she munches Barbara Boxer's fur pie? Of course, there are traitors within the Republican Party. Former human being Strom Thurmond was a faggot niggerlover--photos have surfaced of him performing oral sex on no other than Huey P. Newton, the very man he was assigned to kill!
We hope this issue will not die, and that Ann Coulter is allowed to continue to speak her mind. If we silence her, we allow T. R. Knight and his kind to operate freely in our society--something that is unacceptable to the common (heterosexual) man.

Rational Medical Advice #1

2007-02-28T07:24:00.000-05:00

That’s right readers, I’m introducing a brand new column to the Gource. It seems to me that today more than ever people are uncertain about how to correctly take care of themselves, medically speaking. Sure, you can open just about any magazine in the check-out aisle of a poor-people’s grocery store and find articles from “doctors” and "babysitters" telling you how to prolong your inevitable transformation into a corpse, but I plan on offering you something more: I’m willing to actually address your health, and to offer you strategies for living your life that will maximize every aspect of your being, down to a cellular level.

Sleep – Do Humans Really Need It?

Last night most of you did something I didn’t: you got into bed, closed your eyes, and amid thoughts of God-knows-what, drifted off to sleep. You probably persisted in this demonstration of acedia for at least six hours, probably more. Let me ask you one question: What did you accomplish with those unconscious hours? Unless you consider applying a glaze of saliva to a very small section of your pillow and dreaming about being relentlessly chased by God’s bloodthirsty angels of love accomplishments I’d wager the answer to my question is Nothing At All.
Compare your night to mine: I read the better portion of a book, wrote a couple personal letters of venom to people Who Know What They Did, balanced my checkbook, thought fondly of a few, and cleaned the nibs of numerous fountain pens. I also realized how unnecessary sleep is, and designed the banner for this new column. You let your brain paralyze you so you wouldn’t get up in the middle of the night and run headlong into a desk.
If you ask a medical professional why it is that the human body seems to crave sleep, he’ll tell you it’s because sleep offers you a chance to heal, solidify memory, and rest after a day of work. Guess what this snake-oil salesman of a professional will forget to mention: you can heal, remember things, and rest without falling asleep. Right now I’m sitting down – a position in which the entirety of my lower body gets to rest. What’s more, I can remember what happened yesterday just fine, better even than if I’d slept this past night. I can’t address the importance of sleep for healing purposes, as I am not the kind of dolt who manages to get infected with ailments, nor am I the type of clumsy fool who injures himself during everyday activities.
Short advice: stop sleeping. You don’t need it. You do, however, need to get more done with your life if you ever want to be considered a healthy person. You probably need a haircut, and there’s a good chance there’s a drug you ought to be taking that you haven’t had prescribed to you yet. These are issues to be addressed at a later time though. For now, I’m off to anywhere that isn’t bed.

The Oscars - How Can Anybody Watch Them?

2007-02-26T01:27:00.000-05:00

My God, America. How is it that this country can have the best entertainment industry in the world, yet when a ceremony honoring that industry is held it always manages to be one of the most incredibly painful things to watch? It defies logic.

I’m not going to address whether or not I feel the winners deserved their statuettes, since the movie that should have won every award wasn’t nominated for anything. No, what I take issue with is the fact that for whatever reason the Academy Awards always wind up taking about three and a half hours longer than they should. Am I interested in who did a good job of editing? No. Do I give a God damn about any movie that wasn’t made by an American? Lord no. Does a montage of famous people who died in the last year interest me? Yes, but only for its inherent comedic value. The point is this: It’s time for the Oscars to trim the fat, both literally and figuratively.
Here’s a list of all current awards that Americans spend time listening to thank-you speeches for:

* Best Picture
* Best Director
* Best Actor
* Best Actress
* Best Supporting Actor
* Best Supporting Actress
* Best Original Screenplay
* Best Adapted Screenplay
* Best Animated Feature
* Best Art Direction
* Best Cinematography
* Best Costume Design
* Best Documentary Feature
* Best Documentary Short Subject
* Best Film Editing
* Best Foreign Language Film
* Best Makeup
* Best Original Song
* Best Original Score
* Best Animated Short Film
* Best Live Action Short Film
* Best Sound Mixing
* Best Sound Editing
* Best Visual Effects

As you can see, there are too many awards. I'll concede that some of them are actually important, namely the top four. The rest, however, are just filler trash. Best art direction? What is that, giving an award to the guy who hung pictures on a set? No thanks. Best sound mixing? Does anyone care about some guy who sat around adjusting sliders and nobs on a mixing board? Best sound mixing (along with best original song and best original score) can go the hell back to the Grammys where they belong - and good God don't get me started on the Grammys. Animated movies are for children, and therefore should not win Oscars (we really shouldn’t encourage grown-ups to waste time in such a useless medium). As for best foreign language film, I don’t know about you, but I don’t think we can consider a piece of work that isn’t fit for the English language to contain any real sort of artistic merit. Think about it.
Another problem the Academy Awards suffers from is its disgusting presentation of obesity. You really wouldn’t expect a room full of movie stars and other Accomplished Peoples to include so many fatties, but there they are. Most of the heaviness comes from older, more accomplished stars (like the cue-balled Jack Nicholson, or the always bile-riling George Lucas), but this evening’s best actor (Forest Whitaker), as well as last year’s (Philip Seymour Hoffman) could both stand to lose some pounds. What kind of message are we sending to today’s youth if we show them overweight people who’ve somehow managed to make something of themselves? The wrong kind of message, that’s what. The least these actors could do would be to follow the Welles and Brando honored traditions of starting out at a reasonable weight before ballooning into terrifying human/zeppelin hybrids. Honestly.

Girl Scout Cookies - How Can We Improve On This Model?

2007-02-15T15:05:00.000-05:00

Recently, this reporter was accosted by three girls (I place them somewhere between five and twelve years of age) and a woman (I assume she is the mother of this multiracial coven), all shrieking for customers to partake of their "Girl Scout Cookies!" I doubt very much that I am the only one of us who has, in the past, sampled these cookies peddles by prepubescent rodents. In fact, the Girl Scout Cookie Conglomerate makes over eight billion dollars a year, not including its investments in Darfur's lucrative human waste industry.

Generally, this is a fantastic idea. It is important to develop a sense of entrepreneurship among children, so when we finally abandon this disastrous experiment with public schools, children who cannot afford to go to Schools will know better how to enter into the free market, peddling wares to support their family (a growing one, assuming we also do away with Dangerous Contraceptives). However, there are a few changes that should be made to this system.
First, it is absolutely absurd to waste this training on girls. In this Utopian future I am laying out, girls will of course remain relegated to childbearing and midwifery, sometimes both at once. The Girl Scout Cookie Industry would do well to shift its focus from girls to boys. And yes, let's call it the Boy Scout Cookie Empire.
Next, children are well-known to be the most deceitful people alive. Many people believe that children cannot lie, but those people are just too stupid to recognize lies when a child is telling them. Truth must be learned. For this reason, most of us know that only a fool would buy something being sold by a child. People dumb enough to stop at a child-made lemonade stand are often treated to a refreshing cup of urine for their trouble. In a regular economy, children could never compete. The only reason people buy Girl Scout Cookie Products is that the children rarely stop yelling until one has purchased their products, which are generally known to be tolerable but overpriced.
For this reason, it would well-behoove us to place adults in charge of the cookie-selling department, using children as fronts (like Welch's fruit drinks). Only adults possess the guile necessary to bring these cookies to their full selling potential. Purchasing a box of cookies should not be nourishment--it should be an investment. For this reason, it may make sense to change the name to the Holy Man Scout Cookie Empire, Inc.
The Gource is not in the business of handing out free business advice. Clearly, our t-shirt emporium keeps us rolling in money, which we always put back into this Grousing Revolution. That's why the Gource is immediately copyrighting the name "Holy Man Scout Cookie Empire, Inc." When the Girl Scouts decide to get serious, they know how to reach us.

Production Values - What happened to them?

2007-02-14T18:42:00.000-05:00

I was recently shown the following by a person claiming to be promoting the "Future of Television".

Now, I don't have the most experience with this machine, of course, aside from a very few shows of a sensible political identity. However, as a captain of infantry in the Army of Reason, and, furthermore, generally a person with correct opinions, I felt compelled to investigate this supposed future with the critical, knowing eye for quality that I am known to possess. But what I found was not a proper future at all - certainly one worlds removed from That promised Time toward which we all strive. Rather, what I have uncovered is surely another compelling sign of the pernicious decay that rages, unchecked by all but the Gource, in the senseless wasteland around us.
The eighteen minute barrage of tasteless concepts, clumsy dialogue, offensive music and overdone chase scenes that is undeservedly styled an 'episode' is a "Muffles Production". Now, just what is "Muffles?" Certainly no arm of a proper production company, nothing so accomplished as a Selznick International Pictures but rather obviously a brace of ungrateful schoolboys "on a lark" or whatever the current argot is among the unwashed.
What brave new world is this, where any two idiots can film 'television' themselves and foist it on an unresisting internet? Certainly not one in which the people in it can recognize quotations from The Tempest, nor similarly-named unrelated Renaissance paintings. "Six Months" is another sample of an uncultured world, and as much should be avoided, censured, and forcibly removed from our Inter-waves.

Valentine's Day - Isn't it Time for a Change?

2007-02-14T16:54:00.000-05:00

Hello America, we need to talk. God knows I love you with what small amount of my being is devoted to sentiments and feelings, but these past few days I’ve had some things on my mind. I’ve been thinking about you. About us. So listen.

What is with you lately? I walk your streets, and everywhere I turn it’s shades of pink, boxes with unnecessary curves filled with sweets, chocolate hearts in the shape of teddy bears, teddy bears in the shape cocoa beans, and so on. It’s Valentine’s Day, and yes, I do have a problem with that.
“Here we go,” you might be thinking, “another senseless tirade against a cute holiday from the bile-filled chest of an embittered and disfigured man.” Wrong. I am not embittered, my face and figure are flawless, and my heart is full of love for my God and hate for you, the kind of person who jumps to wildly incorrect conclusions about what I’m actually writing about. These emotions slosh around inside me like sweet cream and tar, never mixing but always fuming. What is this obsession with true love and sappy sentiment that those with poor taste and limited coordination of this country seem to have? It’s pervasive, it’s guided by something that isn’t Logic, and it’s costing this country in more ways than one.
The most obvious threat Valentine’s Day poses is one to the collective health of this nation. All this chocolate and refined sugar are doing major damage to the physical and mental health of people who are most likely already cognitively challenged, because if you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day it’s a safe bet that you’re also probably stupid. And what do you get when you combine a stupid person with unhealthy eating habits? That’s right, A-Student Soldiers of Reason: you get a fat stupid person. Do you know how I feel about people like this? Of course you do. Don’t be one.
There is a more sinister and less apparent detriment to America caused by Valentines Day: it makes America soft, and I’m not talking about paunchy middles. All this emphasis being put on love, romance, caring, and stuffed animals is downright despicable. America is supposed to be a nation of John McClanes, John Rambos, and Terminators (sent to the past to protect the likes of John Connor). Instead we’ve got hopeless romantics running around and ruining the place, turning the country into a bunch of John Hughes fans. This has got to stop, and the change has to start with Valentine’s Day.
Listen up America: as far as the Grimary Gource is concerned Valentine’s Day no longer exists. From now on February 14th will be known as Vengeance Day, a holiday that celebrates the heartless destruction of those who have done us wrong. Put down that diamond necklace and pick up some bike chain. Take off those pink slippers and don some steel-toed boots. Buy a firearm. Get out there and let them know how you feel. Happy Vengeance Day.

Gufts Paraphernalia - Who Wears It?

2007-02-14T12:01:00.000-05:00

While eating in the dining halls at our fine University, I noticed that many students were wearing their finest for dinner—Gufts paraphernalia. Gufts students love their Gufts sweatshirts, and their Gufts sweatpants (which they wear over their Gufts panties), and love sipping on their Gufts nalgene bottles, and putting keys on their Gufts lanyards, which they carry in their Gufts backpacks, while sporting their Gufts hats, while walking on their Gufts sandals. At first, I couldn’t understand why anyone would spend so much money on something so silly. Then I devised a brilliant theory: the bearer of Gufts merchandise acquires superhuman powers—the more you wear the more powerful you are. To me this was the only fathomable reason why someone would willingly choose to look so tacky.
Later I realized that this theory couldn’t possibly be true for two reasons. The first, no one was flying, which is the most popular superhuman power in the world. The second, no one was dead, which is the most popular way to use superhuman powers. Experimentation became necessary, I decided to don Guftswear and find out what all the hubbub was about.
I wore a Gufts sweatshirt, and Gufts sweatpants (that were artfully tucked into a pair of Gufts Uggs), and let the experiment begin. While walking around on campus, people who weren’t sporting their Gufts goods would be really nice to me. They would help me across the street, carry my tray in the dining halls, read my assignments for class out loud for me, and give me lots of high fives. It wasn’t until some dude offered to be my coach for the Special Olympics till I realized that the Gufts wear was for the mentally challenged. The Gufts goods are to be used to remind whoever wears them that they go to Gufts (as they are likely to forget, duh), and to signal to the non-tards that they need assistance. Upon further speculation, this realization also explains why the campus is so ugly. Mystery Solved.

Snow Days - Why Do Schools Have Them?

2007-02-14T11:45:00.000-05:00

The Grimary Gource’s Ear in Baltimore reported yesterday to HQ that several Baltimore schools had been closed due to very little snow. A Gource Grouser in Ohio reported similar facts. Boston, however, also felt a great deal of snow, but classes were carried on as usual. At this point, readers are probably wondering: who’s in the right?

Boston is. It is wholly ridiculous to close classes due to snow. A recent study by the University of Harvard (soon to be defunct) showed that most students learn absolutely nothing when not in the classroom (this is by no means to suggest that homework is not a worthwhile endeavor; it keeps children off the streets). Closing classes will make children one day stupider, and thus they will fall behind the schools that have not been closed. This is exactly the reason why Boston has so many of America’s upper-tier schools, while Ohio and Baltimore are known primarily for student riots and other errors due to lack of education.
Regardless of how heavy a snow is, schools should remain open. The students who want it the most will be the ones who make it to school, and they will be duly rewarded by being a day ahead of their classmates in education. It is well documented that Albert Einstein never missed a day of school his entire life, including weekends and his middle age. As a result, he was a fantastic student and would one day come up with a way to kill more Japanese than had ever been killed before. Schooled.

Women Educators - How Are We Going to Swing That?

2007-02-13T15:47:00.000-05:00

Recently, the United States' oldest institution of Smarter Learning, Harvard University, announced that its next President will be a woman. Call the Gource conservative if you will, but we find ourselves looking to recent history for the future of this school.
It is not difficult to recall the prophetic words of Harvard's p revious president, who noted that, according to his exhaustive research, women are far less able than men to do simple arithmetic or any sort of chemistry beyond cooking. He suggested that further research could prove that the reason for this inability came directly from the Missing Portion of women's brains, known colloquially as the Math Cortex. Since he made this statement, a lab at M.I.T. managed to prove that not only was he completely correct, but he may have been eerily accurate in his predictions. The Gource is certain that this is the case.
No one would ever put forth the notion that women are inherently unable to write, or examine history, or knit. The only areas in which they have no level of sexpertise are the Maths and the Sciences. This will not be a hindrance to a woman's career (unless she still imagines herself a biologist), but it will destroy Harvard University, long a bastion of Intelligence and Reason.
This new president of Harvard will certainly bring Harvard's scientific and mathematic community down. Her natural inclination to staring out a window and writing poetry will make Harvard the new Oberlin. No longer will Harvard be a place from which students can have been proud to graduate: a Harvard degree will mean less than a degree from the DeVry Institute of Ice Cream Making. If this trend keeps up, the Grimary Gource may be the only thing holding up the mantle of Proper Education for the Elite. Stay with us: We will never be run by women.

False Adjectives: Isn’t it Time You Stopped Using Them?

2007-02-08T13:39:00.000-05:00

For a long time, the Grimary Gource has been staunch and unwavering in its complete accuracy in all matters discussed in this page. Through the dual means of Strict Method and Absolute Faith , all things can be correctly divined in and of this world. It would be absolutely absurd to begin to rely on scientific theories that have no basis in the root of science, Sir Isaac Newton (a hero and American patriot). If, for example, one were to claim that all items fall at the same velocity, the Grimary Gource can confidently point to Sir Newton’s work to disprove such a laughable notion.
The same is true of language, as well. The English language has its very roots in the first Bible, written by Guttenberg. For this reason, the Grimary Gource stands firm against all deviations from the roots of the English language. This is a massive undertaking, and one that nothing but the Gource is prepared to handle.
First, we shall here excise all False Adjectives. To those of you who went to public school* (and bully for you for wising up enough to read this!) and thus didn’t get to hear about False Adjectives because you were too busy learning about how to perform an abortion with a clothespin: False Adjectives are proper nouns with important suffices added to the end, masquerading as Real Adjectives. Here is a handy table so you can get a sense of the difference:

Let’s go through them one by one. “Freudian” is of course derived from Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psychoanalysis. The fact that all psychoanalysis stems from his brilliance means that psychoanalysis is, by definition, Freudian. This adjective is not only an imposter within the English language; it is also wholly redundant.
“Reaganesque” comes from Ronald Reagan, the fourth Real President of the United States. He was known for his endearing storytelling method, where he would begin to tell a story, and then halfway through forget what story he was telling and conclude with an unrelated limerick. A brilliant and noble statesman, wholly worthy of an airport to be named after him, it does his legacy an injustice to continue to remember him. We should treat him the way he treated affairs of state—allow them to fade with dementia.
“Orwellian” bears the distinction of being the only one of these False Adjectives to have been created by the person for whom it is named, George Orwell. When he first published Animal Farm, he titled it Animal Farm: An Orwellian Tale by George Orwell. The fact that “Orwellian” referred to the book’s ability to captivate was completely lost on most readers, so when his predictive but ultimately error-riddled 1984 came out, each and every review used the word “Orwellian” to describe it. Orwell thought it an elaborate joke on our language. We should not allow him to have the same effect on our adjectives as he has on our older, male siblings.
All of Kafka’s texts take a man who is thrust into a complex, maze-like scenario, from which squirming only makes him penetrate deeper. Remind you of anything? “Kafkaesque” was coined by schoolchildren who wanted another way of expressing their confused and inappropriate sexual feelings. If someone tries to call sex with you “a real Kafkaesque experience” kick her out of your bed and inform her that she arouses you. That should set her straight.

It is important that we not allow the English language to slip out of our hands and become something far, far worse (Spanish). The only way to prevent this from happening is by paying strict attention to the words of the Bible and not using any language structure not found there. Don’t be afraid to correct someone. They’re not afraid to poison your airspace with False Adjectives.

*Please note that public schools differ from Perfect Public Schools, the likes of which Guiles Gonoughan mentions attending in his memoirs.

Technology Corner #1

2007-02-06T17:17:00.000-05:00

It’s time for the inaugural installment of…

That’s right folks - it’s time for me to tell you about the important technologies of the present time. Now, as you are already reading this website I’m going to trust that you’ve got a pretty good handle on how the internet works (you’d have to, in order to get to a URL as exclusive and excellent as this one), so I’m not going to waste space in this column explaining what things like “.php” and “~/superindex.go” mean in the context of the vast and dangerous internet. You don’t need the kind of trivial-pursuit-of-sadness knowledge that bespectacled teenagers with glandular problems hold in such high regard – no – you need facts. Facts and my opinions. Let’s compile, tech-minded readers.

Windows Vista – Why Haven’t You Bought a New Computer Just So You Can Install it Already?

It’s been quite awhile since we (and by “we” I mean “technology consumers of America) have had the opportunity to receive a brand new operating system from the Best Technology Company in the world – Microsoft. If you spend a lot of time on the internet, especially in places that report on technology news, or involve discussion of things of a technological nature you are bound to find a lot of people saying mean things about Microsoft at a fairly constant rate. If you think about it, this should really come as no surprise to anyone, just consider how many poorly-educated and hardly-washed members of the American community complain about our current administration despite said administration’s high levels of competence and fairness. Microsoft occupies a similar position in the world of technology – highly effective, infinitely admirable, and perpetually complained-about.
I’ve gotten off track though. What’s important is that Microsoft has just released their newest operating system unto the world – Windows Vista. This is the newest iteration of windows since the release of XP back in The Day (October 2001), and it’s putting the “fuck you, OSX” back into the popular phrase “fuck you OSX, OSX is for prissy ladies and men in turtlenecks.” Why is this? I’ll tell you. In addition to adding heaps of security features (users will reportedly no longer need to install ten to twelve additional programs onto their machines just to keep them safe during regular usage) Vista has just a magnificent kind of interface. In fact, so full of shiny buttons and super-rendered menu-bar textures is Microsoft’s newest operating system most people in the world would have to buy brand new computers just to run it. This. Is. So. Smart.
In case you haven’t noticed – and I trust you have – technology these days just isn’t as nice as it used to be. Ever since every almost-human, baseball-cap-wearing, beer-swilling retard was introduced to iPods and Firefox technology has become an ugly place – the kind of place that lets just anyone in. Windows Vista signals a return to the highly desirable and extremely necessary ideals of elitism that were once standard in the realm of things computerological. Enjoy it while it lasts, affluent and informed Americans, because it’s only a matter of time before the cost of producing today’s latest and greatest drops the technology into tomorrow’s bargain bins, once again flooding the right-clicking world with people who’re lucky to have evolved thumbs.

Far-Flung Correspondent’s Report: Rallies: Why Aren’t They Illegal?

2007-01-31T14:01:00.000-05:00

This weekend, I went to Washington, D.C. to plant a cherry tree on the Washington Mall. A bit sappy, I admit, but it is my way of showing America that I care. In this instance, the cherry tree is meant to bring public attention to the long history of presidential crimes (remember that old tale of John Quincy Adams fellating a cherry tree?), thus suggesting that rather than “presidents” or “congresses” or “a judicial branch,” what America needs is a Gilosopher Ging. Hint, hint.

Anyway, my enjoyment of this tree-planting event was greatly marred by the presence of some fifty people who were walking around and shouting obscure slogans. It’s hard to say what it was they wanted (their posters ranged from such messages as “U.S. Out of Iraq!” to “Israel Out of Palestine!” to “Abortion is Murder!” to “Deport All Asians!”), but their overall goal appeared to be inconveniencing ordinary, brilliant citizens, like this author.
Long ago, the United States demonstrated the wisdom and foresight to create a city that would be almost entirely black and poor. We called it Washington, D.C., after George Washington Carver, a folk hero in black tradition. We then started sending white missionaries into this area (we call them “politicians”), but many were afraid to take residence there, so they bought houses in surrounding suburbs and commuted in using Washington, D.C.’s terrific public transit system.
Now, ever since some radical Marxists got it into their heads that rallies are effective ways of bringing change, every few months a huge number of white people pour into the city, not only confusing the local denizens but obstructing the missionaries from their goals of a White America by 2013.
And these are not your ordinary white people. You know which kind these are. Dreadlocked. If you haven’t observed this phenomenon, consider yourself lucky. A recent report by The Institute for Careful Study noted that nearly 88% of all white radicals wear their hair in dreadlocks. They are also often very tan, and occasionally wear blackface. Know your facts. Now, I enjoy a good minstrel show tap routine as much as the next (white) man, but there is a time and a place for it, and this weekend in Washington, D.C. is neither.
I plead with you, should any wrongheaded radicals be reading this: leave your protests at home. Conduct a hunger strike. Set yourself on fire. Put yourself under house arrest. Nobody wants to see you whining. Now you know.

Waiters - Why Do They Bother Speaking?

2007-01-25T22:20:00.000-05:00

I’ve just about had it with people in the service industry. I eagerly anticipate the age of robotic service and murdered waiters that is sure to immediately follow the Singularity. I haven’t always held such hateful sentiments towards the subdivision of the working class I’m forced to deal with anytime I enter a store, restaurant, or (God forbid) airport. Recently though things have gotten seriously out of hand.
Last week I found myself eating dinner in a sensibly priced restaurant. Who I was with, why I was there, and what I ordered are all immaterial, so put your curiosity to bed. The evening started out nicely enough – I was brought a Coke with the right amount of ice, the silverware appeared clean, and the establishment’s lighting was sufficient. However, things started to unravel when our server – a veritable wall of terror – first addressed the table.
Usually I hate to waste time on details describing people who do not deserve to be alive, but in order to really explain how awful this waitress was a brief rundown of her physical appearance is necessary. Imagine, if you will, a gazebo that has had pillows taped all over it, covering every exterior surface. You have just imagined the woman I had to deal with that evening. It was bad enough that she was hideous (you no doubt already know how I feel about ugly people), but things only got worse when she began to speak. Her voice sounded like a pig that had swallowed Fran Drescher whole, and that was now squealing and crying because the actress was both kicking and laughing inside the animal’s stomach. It was like having daggers of sound driven into my ears as this disgrace to gazebos everywhere described the specials of the night.
This brings me to another issue I have with waiters everywhere. It makes no sense to tell me the specials of the evening after I’ve already sat down at the table. Anyone who knows me and who knows how to live their life should be entirely aware that having a clear plan of action for all things is the most important thing ever (ever!). As such I arrive at a restaurant entirely certain of what it is I want to eat. If the restaurant doesn’t have the dish I desire I walk right out, and if the waiters at the restaurant assume that I’m some kind of foresight-blind rube who can’t make a plan by handing me a menu and rattling off a list of specials (that inevitably contain mango-something) I become quietly enraged.
Waiters, servers, busboys, Maître d's, valets, and other assorted restaurant-type employees, take note: please do not talk to me unless there is a very good reason – like to inform me that my meal is gratis, because I deserve it.

Taking the Airwaves by Storm - Shouldn't You Listen?

2007-01-23T22:53:00.000-05:00

Hello there, loyal readers. I know, I know, it's been far too long. I have been extremely busy with a number of projects (my book, setting up the Grousecast, organizing my collection of anti-transcendentalist literature, solving the world's problems) and as a result I have not been paying enough attention to this, my most direct outlet to the literate masses. But take heart, for I have something special to share with you this evening. My associate and myself were both invited onto a radio show here at Gufts University, where we made our audio debut to the general English-speaking, radio-operating public. Unfortunately we were forced to share the studio with the show's host, an insufferable liberal and borderline hippie. Even worse, two wacky morning DJ's from America's gayest city were there as well, hogging the microphones and making a mockery of the complex art of radio broadcasting. Despite these horrendous obstacles to the transmission of rational thought Guffin and I managed to shine some of our Glorious Ideas from the transmitting tower. The recording of the whole show can be found online. Click on the "last show" link under "Loud, Fast, and Out of Control." I know, it is a silly name.

Families - What in the World is Wrong with Them?

2007-01-16T18:06:00.000-05:00

I have often felt that the Grimary Gource could use a bit more human interest subject matter. While deciding what would make for interesting reading I got an e-mail from my Aunt Gellen, who lives in Gakewood, CA and owns and operates a Jewish bookstore. Now, from just this information you could easily reason that by now I would have marked her address as "Spam" and be done with that business. But I have found that her missives to me make me so furious I arrive at just the correct temprament for composing these tributes to fortitude.
As it happens, my Aunt Gellen somehow stumbled upon this website while looking for information on diabetes or something, and has since taken to reading it every day. If you look here, you can see a list of the locations of the Gource's visitors. She is the one in Israel. No, she doesn't live in Israel. She routes her internet through an Israeli service, just to be contrary. Yes, this is indicative of the problem with her. No, it isn't the whole problem.
Since beginning to read the Gource, she has daily (sometimes twice-daily) e-mailed me to condemn me for the Truths contained within my writings and those of my colleagues. I shall henceforth post her e-mails, and respond here rather than to her privately. My hope is that she will be so embarrassed by her errors made public that she will cut off contact with me entirely, and perhaps retire to a life of lip balm-collecting. Here is her e-mail, in toto:

Guffin:
Once again I find myself completely appalled by your writing in that blog of yours. Gource Feathers, I call it. In a recent essay (I call them "messays"), you wrote:
"How do women expect men to take them seriously if they continue to wear makeup and high heels? Also, how do women expect to find a man if they continue to hold jobs? Are they just doing their best to be a burden on all observers of the weaker sex? And what about baseball? Is that still in season?"
On top of the generally poor quality of writing here (I call it "wronging"), you degrade all women, everywhere, with your sexist behavior and womanizing [sic*] antics. I am ashamed to call you a part of my family (I call it "shamily").
Offendedly,
Gellen

Now, Aunt Gellen, please allow me to respond in kind:

Fuck you.

*Is womanizing even a word? I mean, seriously. Does it mean turning someone into a woman, the same way colonizing means turning something into a colony? Game, set, snatch.

New Year's, New Jeers

2006-12-31T22:41:00.000-05:00

That annual day has arrived where people allow themselves the pleasure of watching Dick Clark bike toward death and the disappointment of watching so many people gather in New York City without a natural disaster neutralizing them. Many publications that attempt snark claim that it is a time for resolutions, but they do not need them because they are perfect. The Gource has given this the thought it deserves (almost none) and realized that there is definitely no perfection to be found outside this blog, so it well-behooves us all to make resolutions. Here, then, is an enumerated list of The Gource's resolutions:

Grouse More, More
More Personal Attacks - Many peopls have been getting by this year with a Gource Warning. No longer. The Gource is instituting a "no-tolerance" policy toward any and all untoward behavior. Watch your ass, Ray Billingsley.
None.

It is not unreasonable to stop here. In fact, it is clearly wise. You, reader, can look forward to much more of the same Gource you've come to expect, appreciate, and trust in this past Galendar Year.

Grimerry Gourcemas

2006-12-25T19:36:00.000-05:00

That’s right readers, it’s that special day – the anniversary of the birth of the son of this universe’s most wonderful and vengeful (and only) God. While I’m sure most everyone has opened their presents and enjoyed their disappointment by now, we here at the Gource would like to wish you a happy holiday (Christmas – not that other, harder-to-spell one). And of course we’d be first-class nosebleeds not to offer you, the loyal readers, some kind of gift. However, this being the Internet and our devotees being so numerous we haven’t got anything physical/returnable for you. Instead, allow me to present what great new things you readers of the Gource have to look forward to.

More excerpts from my autobiography, a work that is certain to be one of the upcoming year’s most popular sellers/life-changers. Bear in mind that what is posted here does not reflect the numerous changes that are sure to be made during the publishing process, wherein the printmonkeys will no doubt remedy my “typos” and “grammatical errors,” rendering a work that doesn’t truly reflect my ability to convey Incredible Thought.

With headphone ownership on the rise coupled with the fact that both Guffin and myself have magnificent speaking voices, we have decided to join the audiocasting masses. Note – this is not a “podcast,” a term I take issue with for numerous reasons, the likes of which you can read about in…

That’s right, in addition to knowing how to solve the majority of the world’s problems I’m also well-read enough in the technological realm to solve the sort of problems the computer-using elderly need to dial India to fix. However, this segment will not just be me explaining how to get your computer into and out of Safe Mode (Windows users – hold F8 as your machine boots up, pretentious OSX’ers – hold Shift after powering on), instead it will be a place where I will make known my opinions on the issues and developments in the world of technology. Think Slashdot, but without all the coke-bottle-spectacled, Linux-running swine making Simpsons references in the comments section.

Are you ready for the New Year, soldiers of Reason?

My Life - Don't You Need to Read It?

2006-12-21T23:09:00.000-05:00

Dear readers I apologize. As regular visitors have most likely already noticed, there has been somewhat of a drought in the Gource’s activity this past week. This can be attributed to a number of reasons, none of which are an increase in the rational thought of the world. The Army of Reason’s fight continues. While I can’t speak for other contributors, my higher priorities were nothing if not noble: Christmas shopping, angry letters to store owners, reading books about science, etc. However, there is one important commitment that has been eating up a lot of my time: the publication of my autobiography. That’s right loyal masses; soon my life can be words for your eyes to devour so that your brain will bestow upon you the kind of euphoria many a junkie has died trying to amplify.

My book will not kill you.
My book will serve as a useful guide to living the kind of life that rational thought and a love for God dictates – in fact, so much is evident in the title alone:

While it might be some time before the book is ready for publication and distribution I will do what I can to slake what I imagine is an incredible and universal thirst the world has to read what I’ve lived by occasionally sharing snippets from the work. The first can be found immediately beneath this sentence.

Chapter 1 – Wherein I Arrive and Have a Childhood

I was born on a Sunday – the best day to be birthed, if you ask me. It was early in the morning when the Lord saw fit to admit me to this world. I have heard from those present on that day that I was born with my eyes open, ready to look upon this realm and to solve its problems. Many doctors have assured me that this is impossible due to numerous medical facts, but I know that doctors are, for the most part, not to be trusted. My father told me that soon after my arrival he glanced out the window, overcome with joy and wonder. To hear him tell it the sky was ablaze that morning, it being the glorious period when the sun is just cresting the horizon, throwing shadows and sparks while the moon is still visible above it. Some people call this time of morning lunar dawnset, others call it rush hour. There’s one thing everyone agrees on though: that moment on that morning was one in which the world took a very serious step in the right direction.
My childhood was a brief one, as childhood is, by and large, a useless period in a human’s life. Children are capable of very little beyond simple arithmetic and fouling up the pronunciation of numerous basic English sounds, and so I did not feel compelled to devote much of my lifespan to being an incapable waste of resources. Sure, I spent my time in elementary school catering to the foolish whims of the passionless middle-aged women who filled the role of primary caretaker of the students in the Gohnson County school district between the hours of 9 a.m. and 3 p.m., but all the while I was fixated on the future. By age six I had formed a blueprint for my life – one without mistakes – and I can honestly say that so far I have proven myself right about everything time and time again. Throughout the course of this work my plan (henceforth referred to as The Plan) will be made more apparent, and as a result readers of this book will be able to form their own The Plans. Every plan needs a key objective, and I recommend you come up with yours as soon as possible. That’s how I started mine. The Plan’s key objective? Vanquish all foes.
I vanquished my first foe at the age of ten, in the bloodiest conflict Goover Elementary had ever seen. You see, in fourth grade a new student joined the ranks of my “peers” at Gherbert Goover Elementary, one of America’s Perfect Public Schools. But this new student was not perfect – in fact he was severely flawed. His name was William Donaldson, and he fancied himself precocious. There are few things I loathed more as a child than other children who considered themselves above the level of their classmates. Frequently these children were the result of parents with expensive but useless degrees, usually in fields like law or medicine. Let me say, for the record, that my parents’ degrees are of a much more respectable nature: my father has a Master’s in hard work, and my mother a PhD in integrity. “Those aren’t real degrees,” the deans of a number of institutions might argue. Here’s the thing: those deans all have degrees in shit-dickery.
But back to William Donaldson. The day he came into my life was one of the most glorious of my childhood. Why? Because, it was the day that I first received an enemy. At first I thought that, perhaps, Will and I might be friends. He excelled at reading, and was an impeccable speller. He held a similar amount of disdain for his classmates as I did, but for different reasons. But he didn’t know science, and he didn’t go to church. The first trait was evident every day immediately after recess, when our teacher would have us read and do exercises from The World is Mostly Explainable, our science textbook that left room for the possibility that a number of things about the planet were the result of some serious omnipotence. Will was always fouling up his science assignments – he didn’t know his sedimentary from his igneous, if you know what I mean. My knowledge about his religious handicap was obtained even more directly: I invited him to attend church with me. This was, of course, before I knew better than to give people the benefit of the doubt. I’d decided that, despite his inability with the most important subject that is taught in public school, Will might excel in the most important one that isn’t. It was one of the few times I’ve had an incorrect notion.
One Friday during lunch I approached Will, and did my best to behave personably. I explained that I’d deemed him a suitable friend candidate, and wanted to know if he would be interested in attending the services at the church my family was part of that coming Sunday. His answer nearly made me sick: he didn’t go to church. I was floored – never had I run across such malevolence, and in my own cafeteria. I calmed myself though, I proceeded cautiously and asked him to explain, and he obliged. He described how he had never attended church before because his parents weren’t particularly religious, and then he spoke the words that I’m sure he would come to look back on as being his own death knell: “I don’t believe in God.” That was it – I had to act.
My first order of business was to maintain my composure, as I wanted to keep the upper hand in the situation. Calmly I finished my Coke (I always brought my own lunch, and on Friday’s my mother included with it a bottle of the world’s best soda. A glass bottle). I continued talking to Will as if nothing were amiss, and we slogged through the mundane topics of pee-wee soccer, action figures, and how rotten it was to have to go to bed before 10 p.m. After an interminable amount of time lunch was over, and we were released outdoors to enjoy recess. I knew that I would have my best opportunity to destroy this abomination then, behind the playground and beyond the watchful gaze of Mrs. Krumleigh, but in full view of the Lord. I convinced Will to follow me to that secluded area of the grounds using a clever ruse that works on any male child of a low intellect: I told him there was a dead animal to be seen. He was a lamb to the slaughter.
When we reached the location of the corpse I’d promised Will became suspisicous. Fortunately he didn’t remain so for long. As he began to form a question (he got as far as “Hey, where’s th-“) I removed from my pocket the empty glass Coke bottle I’d saved from lunch and brought the bottom of it down on the bridge of his nose so hard I felt the continent move.
“Listen,” I said to him, “There’s something you should know.” He responded by crumpling to his knees and letting out a pitiful moan followed by a couple gasps as his nose had now become quite useless as far as breathing was concerned. “The Bible got a lot of things right,” I continued, speaking slowly and clearly to make sure that he could hear me through his pain. “But I am not one to live and let live.” He stared up at me, eyes widening. I told him to calm down, that I couldn’t take his life, as I wanted to get some kickball in before the end of recess. “But know this,” I said, kneeling down to stare him down, eye to eye. “When the final trumpet blows it’s going to be the people like me – the Guiles Gonoughans of the world – who come out on top, in life and in the afterlife. Isn’t it time you accepted the Lord?” For a fleeting second Will’s facial expression flickered, from misery to confusion. He didn’t get it. I swung my foot with mechanic accuracy, my toe connecting squarely with his forehead, and he was out.
The next day I was brought into the principal’s office and questioned about the splendidly broken nose that Will had been sporting since our conversation on the schoolyard. Apparently after regaining consciousness he simply wandered home, and nobody at the school knew anything about it until the following day. I explained to principal Joylend that Will and I were close friends, and that he’d discussed with me his godlessly abusive parents. The principal, due to misguided beliefs about the physical capabilities of a fourth grader, was inclined to believe that I could not possibly have been the one to deal such damage to dear Will, and by 5 p.m. that evening social services had placed Will into foster care as a result of a concerned phone call from himself and the district’s superintendent. And who should the patriarch of Will’s foster family be but none other than Reverend Nick Matherton, the man whose sermons I enjoyed every Sunday morning.

Hopefully you had the good sense to enjoy that. I plan on continuing doing regular grouses in the coming weeks, though there might be a marked decrease in their frequency given the season and the times. I can’t say when the next autobiography update will come – I know you will all be clamoring for it, but I’d really rather just get the publishing process underway so that you will have the pleasure of being able to read it in its entirety. Until next time, Gource fans.

Muslim Congressmen-Elect - Why Can't They Keep Their Heads Down (Facing West)?

2006-12-21T03:26:00.000-05:00

In a recent hellection, the state of Minnesota, one known for bad decisions (not to mention accents) stumblefucked a Muslim into our American House of White Representatives. This is not necessarily a bad idea, as his hellection may prove to Islamicysts around the world that the American system is the best and probably a good idea for their lives, too. The way that this Congressman screwed up is by requesting that he be allowed to be sworn in on the Kqworan, the "holy" book of Islam.

Let me be the first to ask: is this guy kidding me? We do not live in Saudi Arabia or something. We live in the United States of America, a nation where people swear on The Bible and almost always worship Jesus Christ:

As soon as we allow people to choose to swear in on the book of their choice, we open the floodgates to eliminate "Under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance, and then we will be removing crucifices from courtrooms and classrooms, and then we will no longer require us to sign pledges asserting that we are not witches. I would rather be crushed by stones than see a day like this come.
Luckily, there is one brave man who is unafraid to confront the issue. Rather than link you anywhere else, I will do The Gource an honor by printing his words. Here is a letter written by Virginia's 5th District Rep. Virgil Goode to CNN, printed on CNN.com (I bolded the best parts for you):

"When I raise my hand to take the oath on Swearing In Day, I will have the Bible in my other hand. I do not subscribe to using the Quran in any way.

"The Muslim representative from Minnesota was elected by the voters of that district and if American citizens don't wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Quran.

"We need to stop illegal immigration totally and reduce legal immigration and end the diversity visas policy pushed hard by President Clinton and allowing many persons from the Middle East to come to this country.

"I fear that in the next century we will have many more Muslims in the United States if we do not adopt the strict immigration policies that I believe are necessary to preserve the values and beliefs traditional to the United States of America and to prevent our resources from being swamped..."

Virgil Goode, you officially win the Gource Grouser of the Year Award. This is awarded semi-regularly to the person or persons who have recently made the most sense in missives sent to CNN. In true TIME Magazine fashion, The Gource encourages you to work hard to be the next winner.

Viral Marketing - Why Can't You Just Tell Me What to Buy?

2006-12-14T19:47:00.001-05:00

I have essentially had it with today’s modern advertising techniques. Recently the idea for people who want to market products is to reveal as little information about what is being sold as possible. This is a concept that doesn’t make any sense, and is not very effective, at least not on people who put at least a scintilla of thought into how they spend their hard-earned money. This past summer Honda wanted to sell me a car by informing that it was, in fact, “go.” This ad campaign had no effect on me for three reasons – I don’t need a car, I sure as hell don’t need a Japanese car, and I sure as all God don’t need to wade through cryptic messages in order to achieve a clear idea of what it is companies want me to want.
Yesterday I passed by a business that had advertisements informing passers-by that they would soon be opening. However, notable information was lacking from their sign, including what it is the store will sell, and why anyone should give a damn. What was even more confusing is that the store’s name is something like “History” and beneath that was written, “coming soon.” I don’t know if this is somebody’s idea of a silly joke, but I’m fairly confident in the fact that history has been around for quite some time - at least since European people started writing things down. This “History” store has already lost a customer before they even had the opportunity to gain one, I can tell you that much.
What’s even more frustrating is when this kind of bullshit advertising shows up on my favorite place: the Internet. Honestly, if Sprite wanted me to drink their lousy product they should try making it taste less terrible as opposed burning my retinas. Honestly, things like this almost make me miss the good old days of pop-up advertising, before those socialist geeks with degrees in computer science decided to start coding solutions to what so many viewed as a “problem.” At least pop-up advertising is straightforward. Please don’t think I’m arguing against subtlety or nuance in the realm of advertising (or any realm for that matter), but it is just plain retarded (that’s right, I used that word) to try to market a product without actually marketing a product.

The Death Penalty - How Do We Solve The Problems With It? (A Gource Short Solution)

2006-12-14T19:18:00.000-05:00

If you have been to CNN.com recently, hoping that Tom Waits will stop by and give you an autograph (good luck, idiot), you may have seen a news story about a man in Florida whose execution took thirty-four minutes an required two injections. This is of course another example of shoddy reporting, one that The Gource hopes to rectify here:
The executee, a Mr. Something Diaz, was serving time in hell for a crime committed in 1979. If you ask The Gource, his execution did take too long: 27 years too long. If we lived in a Utopian society, this Diaz monster would have been killed before he killed a different guy. A simple problem, a simple solution.

Prostitutes in England - Is There Any Way to Blah Blah Blah Blah?

2006-12-14T17:58:00.000-05:00

People who pay as close attention to the goings-on in our motherland will know that there have been a series of prostitute murders in Suffolk, which is apparently a place there, too. The past month-and-a-half has seen about four or five of these blah blah blah blah

Look: why in the world are we even worrying about these issues? There is a solid, rational reason that serial killers tend to target prostitutes (it is the same reason I satisfy my bloodlust by weekly hunting the bird of the season: there are plenty of them, and they don't really matter. There will always be women who insist on breaking the law just to get in on the world's second-oldest profession (the first is punditry), in the same way that there will always be pheasants or geese or whatever. As The Gource sees it, these killers do us all a favor by eliminating some of the excess: they submit to their urges without bothering the law-abiding public, and they create a greater scarcity in the sex market, which protects the livelihoods of these "women." That way, everyone wins.
Here is what I cannot abide, though: imitation. A recent Gallup poll showed that 86% of the people aware of this serial killing "problem" immediately thought of Jack the Ripper, another civic-minded individual who cut down the prostitute population. I know I did, and I'm smarter than any of the people dumb enough to take a poll. When one makes the life decision to start killing people, one should shoot for originality: these are the murders that serial killers will ultimately be known for.
If this new Ripper wants to make a name for himself while still performing a public service, he could try killing drug users--these are more criminals whose lives aren't worth as much as yours or mine.

The Salvation Army - Why the Ruckus?

2006-12-14T17:36:00.000-05:00

It happened again yesterday. I was walking briskly to one of the area’s many pharmacies in order to purchase something that might take my mind off the aggravation that comes from having to listen to an inordinate number of dumb people complain to me about how they feel about the work the Army of Reason and myself are doing. I was planning on buying a Coke and a bottle of isopropyl alcohol – the former for drinking, the latter for throwing into the eyes of the next person who decides they need to tell me their opinion on anything. Anyway, as I neared the busy square in which the pharmacy is nestled my ears met with a familiar sound: the incessant ringing of a bell, the clatter of which everyone in the immediate area was trying to ignore. The Salvation Fucking Army.
I know, I know, it’s to be expected this time of year. Everyone and their adopted brother (who they’re secretly ashamed of) is in the spirit of giving during this the time God makes his Creation feel most guilty about its prosperity. I’m not going to complain about charity per se, because I’m sure that my reasoned arguments would be wasted on the kind of dullards who throw their money away and see nothing in return for it. But I do take issue when a charitable organization sees fit to launch a pre-emptive aural strike on me.
As far as I can tell the Salvation Army’s concept of how a successful charity works can be summed up in a simple equation: Noise = Money. For anyone who has any kind of respect for the complex and terrifying realm of mathematics this expression is probably painful to look upon, as it is blindingly incorrect. Much like Greenpeace (an organization that believes it is ok to approach and engage me in conversation about issues I do not agree with them on), the Salvation Army has crossed the boundary of appropriate social behavior and has begun actively seeking out the attention of complete strangers. Like all reasonable people I do not enjoy loud, arrhythmic noises, especially those that emanate from a bell in the clutches of an underfed Santa impersonator whose mere existence is an unnecessary drain on society. This is why Target is the best store. Target doesn’t let the Salvation Army stand around in front of their establishments bugging the bejesus out of people who just want to buy things to help ease the pain of living in a world where the Gource isn’t the final authority on matters involving noise pollution.

Global Warming - Is it Ruining Your Life Too?

2006-12-14T15:15:00.000-05:00

I don’t know about you, but this global warming business is real trouble, the likes of which we haven’t had to contend with since those long-haired goons started shutting down higher learning institutions in protest of one of America’s better wars. This is serious, folks. In case you’re unaware of the issue, global warming is an affliction our planet might currently be infected with, as it is displaying the textbook symptoms of sunny skies and balmy Decembers.

Most people blame global warming on pollution and red meat, and they’re at least half right. I’ve never considered myself an environmentalist as doing so would force me to forfeit my right to use showers, deodorants, and – most importantly – shoes. However, if pollution is to blame for global warming then I might have to rethink a lot of things, like my insistence on riding only in cars that were originally designed for military use but have been retrofitted for America’s suburban streets, and my habit of leaving every piece of electronic equipment I own on at all times (I do this just in case, you know?).

“But Guiles,” one might ask, “Why do you care so deeply about global warming?” Let me first enumerate reasons that are not important to me: polar ice caps, the rainforest, Alaska, costal cities named Los Angeles, birds, and the hot chocolate industry. What makes global warming such an important issue to me is the impact it has on nature’s fairest season: winter. As I have mentioned before, I am an avid winter enthusiast. The season is set to begin in a week and yet when I stick my hand out the window all I feel is the hateful radiation of this planet’s sun. Right now it’s fifty degrees outside, and this is in a city known for a winter whose brutality exceeds that of most police officers. This is unreasonable. Who will kill the homeless if not Old Man Winter? How can we keep the elderly population under control if they don’t incinerate themselves and their neighbors after forgetting about that old Korean War-era space heater? How will America’s wool farmers sell their products? We need winter, and by God I’m ready to fight for it.

Apologizing - Why Do Editors Do It?

2006-12-11T14:53:00.000-05:00

There has been a recent rash of editors for little-respected rags apologizing for the content of these shmatas to the community at large. It is important now that The Gource state: This is a thing we will never do. There are a couple of important reasons for this.
1) Our editors read our content. In this case, I expect blogspot's spellcheck to give this article a once-over, and then I myself may re-read it to reaffirm the veracity of my own statements. There is no way anything can slip by--in other words, everything that should be edited, has.
2) We do not wait to see the public response to our material and then jump back if we have pushed too hard. We have 100% confidence in the integrity of our publication, and about 17% confidence in the integrity of the community at large (the figure is slightly higher when the test sample includes only readers of The Gource.

I state this here because there has been considerable fallout from a recent article in The Gource. The article in question referred to gays ("homosexuals") as "mincing effetes in ballet slippers" who wish they could "be women." One letter to us states:

Sirs:
In a recent article of The Grimary Gource, you stated [see above]...I personally am very offended. I am a longtime follower of The Gource and usually agree 100% with your politics and opinions. I have often wondered, though, why there aren't more [gay people] who write for your publication. Your article settled the issue for me. It is not that your political views in general are [homophobic], but rather that somehow, by a strange coincidence, the vast majority of people who hold your political views are [homophobic]. You do a great disservice to those of us who have no problem with [gay people] but happen to agree that ugly people should not be allowed on the T.
Yours,
[Name withheld]

We were prepared for this. We have heard these criticisms before, and knowingly printed what we did, steadfast in our feelings. We refuse to back down, because we have principles and we know they are right. Can you say the same?

Clay - Great American Hero, or Terrorist Threat?

2006-12-10T15:44:00.000-05:00

First, fuck you. It is a real letter.

This is my first address to the Infantry of the Army of Reason, the Gource's massive and ever-growing support base of readers, those little right-thinking soldiers who make this all possible - each of whom, in his own small way, is pushing us closer to That Time. I'm sure many of you subscribe to the country's diversionary altar of entertainment, the sporting pastimes, and so may have seen espn.com's recent outrageous cultural claim.
I'm not here to argue about the merits of their assertion. There are other, less respectable organizations for that. Frankly, I do not care to know who created 'rap' and am not sorry to see two of the worst cultural influences of the last forty years lumped together. Rather, the article made me reflect at the troubling way that the perception of Cassius Clay, alias Muhammad Ali, has changed over those years. It seems a shame that a man who refused to go to war for his country is now acclaimed as a national hero, and a brash, disrespectful man who constantly proclaimed himself the greatest of all time and called his opponents gorillas is now held to have created a major musical movement.

Clay could not prevent these damning pictures from getting out.

As an added offense, ESPN has enlisted another now-respected agitator to narrate (or as these people say, M.C.) the proceedings, namely Carlton Ridenhour, alias Chuck D. Like Clay, Ridenhour was imprisoned after refusing his patriotic duty to go to war for his country. (Ridenhour rejected a tour in the Gulf War in 1990, scandalously commenting in the press, "I'm a black man, and I can never be a veteran" before being deservedly locked up. Know your facts.) They've also recruited noted public enemies Al Sharpton and Sidney Poiter, aiming to make this program as offensive as possible.

Unfortunately, only one of these men was assassinated.

Of course the most troubling aspect of Clay's life is his religion, one has has been constantly at odds with our own. Are we not, in fact, at war with Islam all over the world? While Clay has always claimed to advocate pacifism, I hold with this upstanding journalist's good work on the subject and ask Clay, in Beck's words, to prove to me and all of us good Christian Reason-Soldiers that he is not a terrorist. We have a thing called burden of proof in this country, Mr. Clay, and also a right to deport or imprison possible enemies of freedom like yourself. We are not fooled by your put-on, pretended illness, which is surely merely a front to make you seem harmless. Clay is not the first terrorist to hide behind a physical disability. It is nearly time for the Army of Reason to mobilize against people like the venerated Clay. Will you be ready?Clay presiding over a jihadist religious ceremony. The connection between the Muslims and the Nazis has not yet been satisfactorily explored.

Racist Celebrities - Why are They News?

2006-12-09T21:40:00.000-05:00

As you might imagine, a person as efficient as myself can often wind up with a fair amount of free time. I realize that such a luxury is rare for many, and will be quick to reassure you that I do not waste these unfilled hours with trivial pursuits like table tennis or miniature golf (would to God that I could though, there are no miniature links nearby).
However, on occasion I do find myself hemorrhaging my idle time clicking passively through the regions of the internet that claim to give me the “real” news stories about “things” I “care about.” How wrong these sites are.
Lately (as in last month) all anybody wanted to talk about was the racist tirade spouted off by once-kind-of-famous tall person/actor Michael Richards. Before that it was “oh what’s to be done about Mel Gibson the drunken anti-Semite?” Now the world’s all up in arms because America’s favorite talking manatee made a remark about how news of America’s favorite drunken gnome’s appearance on this country’s dumbest TV show was reaching far and wide to the vast reaches of the Orient. So what, America?
Here’s the thing about racism: it’s been a staple of Hollywood for about as long as we kicked the red-man out of Los Angeles. The Indians had founded the city, which they called Shakemtown, as a holy land because something bad always wound up happening there. White settlers eventually moved in, killed the Indians, set up boulevards, and renamed the place. Did anybody go crazy and write to YouTube when this happened? No. So why all the fuss now? Sure, it isn’t popular to hold racist attitudes, but why are actors’ opinions on anything even relevant? I thought it was common knowledge that 93% of all actors are dumber than the average Australian, and therefore not worth listening to unless someone else wrote the words they are speaking, and the whole affair is taking place in front of the kind of camera that requires 3 years to learn how to operate.
Maybe it’s time America stopped paying so much attention to what actors – especially unattractive actors – have to say about various societal and political issues facing the world in this High-Definition age. Maybe it’s time America started paying a little more attention to the Grimary Gource.

New Contributors - Do You Have What It Takes To Be One?

2006-12-09T19:43:00.000-05:00

Close readers of The Gource will observe that two entries out of the past 32 have been written by persons other than this reporter or Guiles Gonoughan. Following these events, The Gource's inbox has been flooded with questions such as "Who are these new contributors?" "Who taught you people punctuation?" and most importantly, "Can I contribute to the Gource?" The answers are simple, and are enumerated as follows:

1) They are Galley Gorkin, Gephie Goplan, and Gade Gickels Addendum: Gunðer Gastergack
2) Ms. Gonca, 3-4 grade
3) Almost definitely not. Our contributors (see #1) were handpicked from the ranks of the finest publications to be found. More often than not, these writers far outshone their publications (think Kurt Vonnegut writes for TV Guide), which made them that much easier to pick. After Guiles and I have picked a list of five writers each, we cut our papers into slivers (one name per sliver), and then pick three from a hat.
So, it is unlikely that you can make it through our meticulous process of choosing writers. If you disagree, however, you may email us and try your luck against the hat.

Trees - Plants or Animals?

2006-12-09T18:47:00.000-05:00

Plants.
Obviously plants.
But trees share some pretty undeniably similar characteristics with animals that are worth taking a look at, unless you're a biology major, in which case, you might get offended (if you're not already). In fact, some trees are so animal-like that professionals in the field call them "tranimals." As you can imagine, if the term were ever widely publicized, "tranimals" would spawn a host of problems with vegetarians and Christmas-killing Jews who keep Kosher, so the coinage has been a well-guarded secret within small circles to keep things simple for the small-minded masses.
But here I am letting you in on the secret. Good thing this blog protects my identity.
Perhaps the best example of a "tranimal" is the tree from Charles Schultz's "Peanuts." Let's observe:

To the untrained eye, this looks like a perfectly normal tree, which is generally referred to as a "plant." However, trained eyes may notice a grin within the leaves. This grin has been observed on many animal species, such as:

Is it an accident that both the aforementioned tree and the aforementioned animal (clearly a cat) share the same grin? I don't think so. I don't think so AT ALL.
Damn tranimals. Damn conspiracy theories.

Science and Religion - Isn't it Time they Reconciled?

2006-12-07T16:10:00.000-05:00

Now, this should come as no surprise to loyal readers, but I myself am an extremely reasonable man. I grew up in a house where the laws of God and the laws of physics were both followed to the letter. As a result of this sensible upbringing I have matured into the kind of person petty men resent, courageous men respect, and all virtuous women love. Obviously folks like myself are harder to come by than you might expect, especially in portions of the country that put too much or too little emphasis on the two most powerful forces in the universe: God and science.
The fact that God (the Christian one, of course) is magnificently powerful shouldn’t be news to anyone whose postmortem plans involve an extremely nice Kingdom in which to spend eternity. However there are many people – especially on the coasts of this country – who were not brought up with sufficient doses of vitamin G during their formative years. These are people who can frequently be found shouting at government buildings, wearing inappropriate clothes and failing to keep their front yards in good order. However, most were educated in schools that did a decent job of teaching science.
There is another end to this spectrum of unreasonable people – those with plenty of love for the Lord in the many chambers and foyers of their hearts, but without proper knowledge of how the universe fits together on a sub-meta-physical level. These people can often be found in southern states, far-western landlocked states, and states whose names rhyme with “Oh my, no.” It’s fairly obvious that a healthy fear of the invisibly omniscient is extremely important in the making of a Good Person, more important than being able to explain a catalytic converter, but the ability to apply the scientific method to everything that isn’t the Creator of the Universe is still indispensable. This brings me to the conclusion you probably predicted I’d come to had you read the opening question title of this article: Science and Religion (Christianity) need to be a major part of a person’s brain in order for that person to be as terrific as myself. In order to form a more perfect union I suggest that these two great tastes become mandatory in every form of education available to our nation’s youth, from public schools to billboards on lonely interstates. Private schools won’t be required to teach balanced educations, however, as most of their students wind up being the kind of people who are impossible to deal with people no matter what measures are taken. So come on America, improve your mind, improve your soul, download this .pdf, print tons of copies and hang them up everywhere. If people see this flyer hanging in a property that is yours, they will recognize you as one of the rational, religious elite.

Jews - What is Wrong With Them Already?

2006-12-06T18:02:00.000-05:00

Recently, there has been an increase in the amount of Jewish-related activity, as there always is around the Holidays. In the past couple of years, they have been fighting to eliminate such pleasantries as, "Merry Christmas," and "God Bless Us - Every One," and "Hello." As evidenced by our public school system as it stands, their efforts have been largely successful, which means that we are losing the War On Religious Christians with Dogs Or Families.

As The Gource predicted a year ago, if we give in to the Jews' demands, they will be emboldened to try to eliminate further traces of our once proud culture. If the Jews get their way, a century from now all that will remain of American culture will be some VHS copies of Rob Reiner movies. This cannot happen.
Anyway, as usual, The Gource was correct. This year, the Jews are teaming up with the atheist Jews and the black Jews and trying to get eggnog banned in all public places. Eggnog, long a staple of Christian cuisine and Holiday good spirit, is also like arsenic to the Jews, and like old lace to the atheists. It is also, more importantly, completely delicious.
Their activity does not end here. They are also mandating that all public schools replace any interior lighting with menorahs, and serve latkes for lunch once a week. All courtrooms must fly the Israeli flag, and the rapper Ice-T must go only by his pseudonym "Iceberg."
We cannot allow them to do this. Jews already have their own private spaces (they're called "synagogues," people) - what gives them the right to infringe on our public places?
There is only one way to stop them. If we can separate neighborhoods in New York City (I like to call it “Jew York City” or “Hymietown”), Los Angeles, and Miami, and make these neighborhoods Jew-only, prohibiting Jews from leaving them, we retain public spaces for the American Christian tradition, something everyone can agree is good. Who’ll drink to that?

CNN.com - Can They Sink Any Lower?

2006-12-05T00:32:00.000-05:00

If you are at all like me (and God save you if you're not), you have recently been to CNN.com. You, like me, probably spend a solid twenty hours a week on the website, posting comments on the articles pointing out gaps in journalistic prowess to the site's editors. Really, the website is to online news what Meg White is to online nudity.
Anyway, you have probably noticed that recently CNN.com has started summarizing its articles, like so:
This "story highlights" portion is clearly designed to allow readers of the website to move on to more important articles. They do not have to feel guilty (like they do for just reading the headlines), but they also don't have to clean the drool off their keyboards when they fall asleep after reading one paragraph of this Melville-esque prose.
In the interest of full disclosure, it should be noted that this commentator writes for The Grimary Gource. I think, though, that you will not disagree when I state that The Gource gives you news in a way you can read.
Anyway, this new practice of CNN's is abominable. No, I know what you're thinking; I am not some Highlander-watching stopgap who thinks that news worth reading must be understood with complete context, and thus this sort of summarizing only serves to obscure truth or decrease American knowledge of important issues or whatever stupid business these people whine about when they're not mixing red and white wine and painting their faces with the results.
The Gource thinks that this practice is unnerving because it is certain to bring more readers to CNN.com, just as every student at Gufts flocks to the teacher who doesn't require homework to be done in a timely manner or a legible font. This sort of dissemination of false information to the masses can only mean bad news for those of us in the upper echelon of masculinity and brains. Ultimately, of course, it is a futile gesture, as those who refuse to read CNN.com will always be more powerful than those who read its story highlights, but it certainly doesn't make our jobs any easier.

Christmas Decorations - Don't They Make You Sick Too?

2006-12-04T15:13:00.000-05:00

Seriously, what did the lord Jesus Christ do to deserve this kind of tacky-ass treatment? Now before you stop reading and assume that I’m just going to attack the commercialization of Christmas for the next three paragraphs, don’t. I’m not some sort of creepy, middle-aged pastor at a tiny church in America’s beloved heartland – I haven’t got the wardrobe for it – and I don’t mind that the Real God’s birthday has been turned into a furious consumer spectacle. What bothers me is the way that people who lack a real sense of duty to God have decided is an appropriate way to doll up their houses for his birthday.

Listen: just because a snowman can be created using inflatable material does not mean it’s a good idea to buy 4 of them and to station them like corpulent sentries all around your domicile. It may seem remarkable that a nativity scene can be created entirely out of PVC and painted with lifelike precision by machines, but this does not give you license to inflict it upon my eyes every time I pass by your front yard. I didn’t ask for this. God didn’t ask for this. Nobody asked for this. But there it is.
Let me impart some religious education on you, dear readers. Christmas has, despite what some bivouacs might tell you, 3 distinct meanings. They are as follows:

Family, togetherness, the colors red and green, office parties that everyone laments afterwards. This is the meaning on which God puts the most emphasis.

Buy everything, and destroy any who impede you in your quest. This is the meaning on which America puts the most emphasis.

Suicide is a viable option for many, and there’s no better time than now, especially if you put up ugly decorations or knock on my door anytime in December. This is the meaning on which I put the most emphasis.

Keep them in mind, would you? It’s getting colder, and beastly New England is finally recalling that it’s the last month of the year, and that it really ought to be colder at this point than it is. We’re thick with the spirit of things. Hold on though, it’ll be over soon enough.

Hypnotism - Can It be Used For Good?

2006-11-30T15:33:00.003-05:00

In a recent article in the Gource, this writer suggested that the world is divided into two main castes: people who are smart and soon to be in charge, and the people who can't spell "gingham." Despite my numerous and broad examples, I was swamped with e-mails and text messages begging me how one could identify and classify members of these two castes. I thought for nearly five minutes about this before coming up with what I know to be a solid solution.
For centuries, there have been men who walk among us and possess a troubling power over most of us. They are called hypnotists. With mere watches or shiny objects, they can make people think something is not true, even if that thing is true. There is known to be no escape from their guiles, right?
No, stupid. Smart people cannot be hypnotized. As a member of this planet's intelligensia, I can say with complete authority that there is nothing on earth that can make me change my mind about an issue, or misunderstand important facts. I am steadfast.
So I encourage one and all to attend any hypnotism shows they can find. See if you can pass the acid test of intelligence. If so, welcome back. If not, don't feel bad. Take heart in knowing that your role as cannon fodder is completely assured.

Silent Movies – Do They Still Have Relevance to Modern Audiences?

2006-11-29T19:21:00.000-05:00

Let’s face it America: we are a world of dialogue. With text messages, e-mails, and instant messaging, it is nearly impossible to get a point across in a sarcastic tone. In fact, irony on the internet is very much dead. To compensate for this, we have developed a culture that relies solely on words and what they mean. No more of this verbal ambiguity that has so marred our literature and music for so long: it is time to use words literally and without any sort of complications.

This is as evident as anywhere in film. One example of film (in fact, the best film ever made), Good Will Hunting, relies almost entirely on dialogue to explain what is happening within the characters’ minds and how they feel about themselves and one another. The reason that this movie was so successful and has withstood the test of time and made celebrities of all its stars is that its use of dialogue makes it the perfect film for our time. Observe:

Consider then, the oeuvre of Charlie Chaplin. His films largely involve men in small bowlers and huge pants, whose moustaches are tight and clipped and who carry a cane. There is also no audible dialogue. Can it be said that any person alive can relate to these characters, or their stories?* The “curse of the silent film-maker” followed Chaplin into his forays into talkies: his “opus,” The Great Dictator, is mostly about an intolerant dictator and a Jewish barber—clearly, Chaplin had lost the ability to make a movie that would make sense to viewers after 1945. Observe:

It would be unreasonable, of course, for us to throw out our entire history in film (with the possible exception of Hope/Crosby Road movies, which are far from being as fantastic as you’d think). The solution to this issue is to dub dialogue into existing silent films. Include lines that apply to modern audiences, such as “I’d better check the internet!” and “O.J. is guilty as sin!” Only by doing this can we maintain a connection to our cinematic past. If we want one.

The Gap Between Rich and Poor – Aren’t There More Important Gaps To Discuss?

2006-11-29T19:18:00.000-05:00

Hardly a day goes by without a mild-mannered human being (generally over six feet tall) being bombarded by concerns about the growing gap between rich and poor—these bombardments usually come in the form of pamphlets or crumpled-up five-dollar bills, depending on which side of the gap is doing the bombardment. This is unacceptable, and not just because the Gource stands opposed to any and all persons who wish to inflict their opinions on us. All studies show that the only reason that there is a growing gap between rich and poor is that there are more people alive, and also because of inflation. Know your facts. The rich have more dollars because the dollar is worth less (our damned treasury refuses to give production a rest), and the poor still have no dollars. Thus: the gap. Stop talking about it.
Here is the real gap that is widening in a realistic way: the gap between smart and stupid. Those of us in the former category know more and more information each day, especially if people in this category regularly read the Gource. Those in the latter category, people who seem to refuse to spend the time each day perusing our archives, are getting left behind in this knowledge boom.
Is this a problem? Not at all. It is merely the natural development of a meritocracy. The smarter people are getting the tools they need to lead our society into the next millennia, and the stupider people are getting the tools they need to be cannon fodder in any upcoming wars against Asia (don’t worry, they have similar policies there of weeding out the smarter ones and letting the rest fight our fools).
Now, the Gource recommends that you begin to prime yourself for leadership. Brush your teeth. Learn to do your own tie. Your time is coming, and the Gource is here to ease and expedite the transition.

Ringtones - Why Aren't They All Identical?

2006-11-29T18:56:00.000-05:00

Today I found myself face-to-face with something that the average human being hopes to never encounter: a Mario Bros. ringtone. The phone within which it resided belonged to a person that appeared tolerable, even genial. There is a lesson to be learned from my observation (as always): even if you think a person can be dealt with, he or it probably cannot. Be. Dealt. With.
The sort of person who would possess a phone containing a Mario Bros. ringtone is ineffably the sort of person who would drive a 10-speed bicycle on the sidewalk, or vomit in a mailbox. This is a social ill that must be corrected and cured, like polio or poverty or perversion. And I think any reasonable reader of this publication can recognize that Mario Bros. rings are not the only existing ringtones that show their owners’ true colors: popular “hip-hop” song ringtones are often tied to pedophilia and suicide, TV show theme songs have been known to appeal to people who purchase faded denim and cowboy hats.
There is only one solution here. Actually, strike that. The solution I am about to present is one that not only corrects this malady, but also serves to aid and abet the correction of nearly every problem we face as a society: uniformity. How do we stop people from shooting out windows? Force them to act like everybody else: leering at mannequins. How do we stop people from giving birth to children with deformities? Force them to tearily get abortions, like every teenager. And how do we stop people from getting ringtones that bother the average Caucasian? Mandate identical ringtones for all persons, regardless of height.
The ringtone I would humbly recommend is minute seven of “The Murder Mystery” by the Velvet Underground. This suitably gets the attention of anyone nearby, a message that says: “Listen up! There is a person here with important business to attend to! More important than you! Goodbye!” Furthermore: imagine a roomful of people with their cell phones going off. The sweet cacophony would alert all present that we live in a better, less diverse world.

Creativity - How Much is Too Much?

2006-11-29T01:49:00.000-05:00

Imagine a world where everyone goes around making sense all the time. Actually, you don’t need to imagine one, because if you’re looking at this webpage and reading closely you’re already in such a world, confined as it may be to words on a screen. Now, imagine a world where everybody goes around thinking outrageous thoughts, spilling paint and dung on canvas and displaying it with pride, writing absurd novels about fantastic worlds where bears can talk or where a spoiled shit of a person who’s always bummed-out wanders around the worst city in the country. It’s a warm world. It’s a world governed by “creativity.” It’s hell.
Let me tell you what brought this on, as my opening statements might be somewhat confusing to someone who isn’t privy to all the facts, and as you know the Grimary Gource is all about aiding people in knowing their facts. This morning I was sitting in one of Gufts University’s many fact-centric classes, taking notes and not doodling frivolous contour drawings of things that don’t exist. All of a sudden I realize that the professor has yielded the floor to some round-faced nosebleed of a human being, and this walking, talking, sushi-eating human aneurysm is babbling on about creativity in classes at Gufts. Apparently he was a member of some group of manicured beatniks (I know – it sounds like a paradox of some kind) called “Writing Fellows” who wanted to conduct a survey regarding attitudes students have about the level of creativity they’re allowed to exhibit in their classwork.
First of all: what the hell? Writing Fellows? Are my tuition dollars going towards a bunch of people who sit around putting words into word processors? Are these people getting paid? Getting laid? If the answer to either of those questions is “yes” then I imagine it’s high time I stopped by the hardware store to pick up a sledgehammer, because it’s clear that some thick-skulled administrator has made an egregious oversight, and God knows we don’t want these people reproducing. Universities are not places to foster creativity. If you want to hone your yarn-spinning skills, (or even your storytelling skills), feel free to walk barefoot in the general direction of the Pacific and join the first commune you find. I came to school to put additional information into my brain in as efficient a manner as possible. Guess what: filling out a survey that asks me whether or not I strongly agree, agree, neutrally agree, disagree, or strongly disagree that I’m given enough room for free thinking is not teaching me anything, all it’s doing is reminding me of what a mistake attending a private institution was.
You see I went to one of America’s Perfect Public Schools – where the rules are many and the curricula concrete. The kind of place where people who wore shirts with inflammatory statements were escorted to the cement slab behind the dumpsters and taught the importance of Newtonian physics with regards to steel-toed boots and their throats. Did we waste time on the vodka-soaked nonsense some Russian epileptic made a narrative out of? Absolutely not. We were taught to tests, and the tests taught us to answer questions we would be asked on future tests. This is a system that makes cold mechanical sense – which, If you ask me – is the best kind of sense. Keep this in mind the next time someone without morals or rational asks you to think abstractly about something. If an answer can’t be reached without doing some kind of metaphorical back flip then the question is probably some kind of godless lie.

Ties - Why Don't You Know How To Do Them?

2006-11-28T15:43:00.000-05:00

Look, America. It's time to shape up. Here I am talking to the men (women, take a lap). For too long men have gotten by on not knowing how to do a tie, and that is absolutely ridiculous. This is tantamount to sitting down while peeing, or using a tissue to blow one's nose. With the loss of the doing-a-tie ability follows the loss of any facet of masculinity, until the United States is just an enormous island of Lesbos, where there are women and there are men who can't do ties (women).
Let me cut you off there as you try to announce loudly that women you know are able to do ties. Shut up. This is an abomination. There are plenty of men whose wives or fiancees do their ties for them; there are also plenty of babies whose mommies wipe their asses. Time to grow up and be a man. If your woman is doing your tie, you have completely ceded any sort of male responsibility. Unacceptable.
There was a time when being a man meant doing one's own tie, and hunting animals, and flexing nuts. Historically, men who could do their own ties were 89% more likely to gain political stardom than those who could not. Know your facts. Today, the figure is closer to 760%. Which means that those men who cannot do their own ties create a power vacuum, one that can only be filled by women, children, or animals. Get fucking serious.
This means no more clip-on ties. Even bow ties. Learn to do those, because then you can undo it at the end of a long night and you'd look great. But you have no sense of this, because the closest you've ever gotten to a tuxedo is one of those t-shirts. Throw that out.
Until men can do their own ties with a 100% success rate, they (I am a man, but I can do my own ties, so I need not include myself here) will continue to be relegated to backhoe operation and Chinese food preparation. What a sorry state for us to be in.

NYPD - Isn't It Time They Improved Their Aim?

2006-11-27T17:13:00.000-05:00

Recently there has been an uproar over the impromptu execution of a guilty black groom, the classic archetype from crime stories and detective novels. The man, Sean Bell, was felled by two bullets. He was driving with two friends, who took eleven and three bullets, still managing to survive. The car itself was hit twenty-one times. In total, fifty bullets were fired. This is absolutely unacceptable. The NYPD must step up its game if it is to compete in the law enforcement economy.

The Gource will definitely be the only news source to relate this event to several precedents: in 1999, Amadou Diallo was killed by nineteen of forty-one bullets fired by NYPD as he reached for his weapon. In 2003, Ousmane Zongo was hit in the back by two of the four bullets that killed him. Clearly, the NYPD has not learned from its past mistakes and improved its gun-training program.
Need the Gource remind NYPD that it is our tax dollars (well, not the Gource's, thank Christ, but the dollars of seedy New York denizens) that buy their bullets? With this absurd and haphazard program of wasting bullets, the police are throwing away resources that could be used to clean graffiti off the subways and elderly.
Those who have seen the excellent film The Professional know that it should only take one bullet to kill a man. This current practice of basically throwing bullets at every dangerous criminal and hoping for a 50% success rate is ludicrous. The Gource calls for New York to shut down its police department until it is properly trained the methods for subduing violent felons. Until they do this, we will just be flushing our hard-earned money down the toilet on behalf of the world's laziest police service, which is ironically stationed in the city with the most criminals.

Gourcegiving Grouses Part 2: The Meal - Does it Ever Go Right?

2006-11-25T03:14:00.000-05:00

Probably not. I have to admit that I have little to no personal experience with Thanksgiving dinner, since the Gonoughan clan is a sensible one, and we tend not to buy into ridiculous pageantry and foolish gluttony. As for my single self, well I’m just not a proponent of meals in any form. However, according to most of the people who’re fortunate enough to know me, Thanksgiving dinner is a very special occasion for a lot of families. This confuses me though, since it seems hard to believe that an annual disaster can hold such a special place in the hearts of the masses.
“An annual disaster? What are you talking about, Guiles?” Dear reader, I’m talking about Thanksgiving. Oh, I know, I’m sure your family’s celebration is always just as Norman Rockwell as can be, but the truth of the matter is this is not the case for the majority of the world. Don’t believe me? Try watching a sitcom for once in your life. Never (and I mean rarely) do these Thanksgiving dinners go off without one to twelve hitches, usually within the space of 22 minutes. Sometimes it’s just a small snag, like the dog dies because the mom fed the dog turkey giblets (all dogs are allergic to giblets). Other times the problems faced on Thanksgiving are greater, like when a boy has to talk to one of his insane aunts, and she is just so terrible to look at. He has to be polite though, because alcoholism isn’t something you’re allowed to get angry with someone over. Which is bullshit. These are the sorts of things that can only happen when everyone from a family is foolish enough to congregate under one roof.
And why turkey? This is a bird that nature has done its best to convince us not eat. It’s flightless, making it not fun to catch and slaughter, it’s brown (nature’s most boring color), and it’s hideous. What more do you people need? Maybe a stone tablet signed by God himself reading, “seriously, stop eating turkeys” would do it. But no, the unwashed opt instead to jam stuffing into the cavity the bird’s innards once occupied. That is seriously gross America.
Finally, I take issue with the giving thanks aspect of Thanksgiving. Thanking someone is admitting appreciation, and if someone knows you appreciate them then they’re bound to stop trying so hard to earn your approval. Is Thanksgiving just one gigantic scheme to get everyone in America to take each other for granted? Probably. The subversive nature of this damnable holiday makes me sick, the kind of sick that has to go sit in front of a TV for four to six hours instead of trying desperately to warn the world at a large about the danger sitting around interacting with their families poses. You’re on your own come next year.

Gourcegiving Grouses Part 1: Air Travel – Isn’t it Tortuous?

2006-11-22T04:32:00.000-05:00

Time for something special, Gource fans. It’s a holiday-filled period of the year, which means that hundreds (seriously, hundreds) of people around this country will pack a bag heavy with clothes and passive aggressiveness, hail a cab, and find themselves at an airport on their way to spend time they don’t really know why they have with people they don’t really feel anything for. A key and terrible factor in this ordeal? Air travel. For those paying even a marginal amount of attention it should be abundantly clear that the Grimary Gource hates air travel. However, due to extenuating circumstances (grievously low speed limits mostly) land travel between my two primary residences during the holidays is inconvenient and unforgivably time-consuming. As a result I was forced to travel through the planet’s least reliable state of matter (plasma is actually more reliable than gas) yesterday. What follows are some articulated thoughts that my mind crafted regarding the heinousness of flight.

Airport Security – why bother?

Let’s face facts, America – there are a lot of people who hate this country running around (most without shoes). Unfortunately for us, some America-haters do have shoes, and therefore are allowed into airports around this (mostly) terrible planet. Net result? We’re in constant danger. Does this danger justify giving a college dropout a minimum wage job that revolves entirely around digging through my checked baggage looking for national threats like some kind of truffle-rooting pig? No. I am an extremely efficient and particular person, and when I pack a suitcase I pack it to my expert specifications. When some doltish TSA goon goes and rearranges the innards of my duffel I feel as though my trip has been ruined before I’ve even had a chance to leave the ground. I mean, it’s not like I layer clothing according to a planned order-of-wearing schedule I've formulated while I pack it, so that I will never have to dig through my bag in order to find socks while away from home, is it? Oh wait. It is. If I wanted all my clothes disorganized, wrinkled, and sullied by strange hands I’d just drop them off at a foreign-run dry cleaner. If I have to sacrifice a skyline or two every seventy years to keep some ape out of my personal belongings, so be it.

People Who Sit Next to Me on Planes – what idiot notion drives you to strike up conversation?

I want you to think about the FAA for a moment. This is an agency that handles all kinds of important stuff, like going places and coming from places. They have rules, regulations, and lists of specifications longer than the laundry list of people with three-letter names who I wish were dead (long story). How is it then, that among all these countless codes and lengths of endless red tape there is no simple rule that makes it an arrestable – no – executable offense to bug the blinding hell out of a complete stranger on an aircraft? What’s more, every time I have to deal with one of these clowns they always seem to have some kind of regional accent, as though every airport has a distressingly stereotypical representative whose sole purpose in life is to get on planes, sit next to me, and start throwing around “y’alls,” “down the shores,” “hellas,” or “I am from the Pacific Northwest and want to kill myself’s.” Shut up, shut up, and shut up.

In-flight Entertainment – who’s in charge of this media abortion?

Ever wanted to know what kind of golf club will get a golf ball to go to the place a man in stupid clothes desires it to go? Curious about the faucets and fixtures of the rich and famous? Interested in buying a llama? If you answered “no” to any of the following questions it’s extremely likely that watching the in-flight entertainment on a one and a half to two-hour flight will make you regret color LCD’s ever became an affordable airline expense. Personally, I don’t understand the need for any form of stimulation on an airplane, be it audio, visual, olfactory, or sexual. Sit quietly, look ahead or close your eyes. If you’re feeling adventurous: fall asleep. It seems most people don’t agree with me though, and prefer to have some kind of mindless escape in the form of a glowing rectangle of pixels. I realize that my patience and attention span are far more massive than the average person’s, so I can forgive this need for distraction. What I can’t forgive are the airline’s choices in regards to what ought to be shown on their crafts. Does regular TV programming not work at twenty-five thousand feet? Can nobody affix a couple rabbit-ear antennas to the rudder so I could at least get some local news from “flyover” states? No. I’m forced to endure programs about people who live lives so full of comfort and luxury they can afford special shelves for their platinum-plated croquet mallets. How many people are involved in the production of this stuff? I feel like the amount of technical knowledge required to light, shoot, edit, and distribute this dreck could be better spent aiding the action movie filmmakers of America so I could go to a good blow-them-all-to-hell flick without having to read a Dickensian mass of subtitles.

Finally: a list of airports that had I the power, I would shut down

Dallas Ft. Worth
LaGuardia
JFK
Newark (are there any other airports that serve NYC that I’m not aware of? If so, they go on the list too.)
LAX
Dallas Ft. Worth
Orlando International
McCarren International
Atlanta International
Dallas Ft. Worth

Other Publications - Isn't It Time You Ignored Them?

2006-11-20T14:56:00.000-05:00

Here is a nifty bit of publicity for the Gource. We are unfavorably compared to a competing rag by that rag itself; you can be the judge of quality. Whom am I fooling? You can't be any sort of judge. Allow me to be the judge. The Gource is of higher quality than any other Gufts publication. Once you have read the article about us and commented to the effect that we are superior, we strongly discourage you from continued perusal.

High Fructose Corn Syrup - Don't We Need More?

2006-11-17T13:56:00.000-05:00

Simply put: yes. This country, and to a lesser extent, this hemisphere, need more high fructose corn syrup. If you’re retarded I’ll answer the question that’s probably meandering through your molasses-thick thought process: high fructose corn syrup is mana from heaven, sweet ambrosia that the gods of food engineering saw fit to give mankind. I’ll tell you how I came to the conclusion that HFCS is the greatest nonlethal invention of this earth, it is a story full of sorrow and joy, memories and exploding futures. It’s also pretty brief.
It all started when I was thirsty. Despite my ongoing attempts to stamp out humanities four main drives (hunger, thirst, lust, growing facial hair) I still occasionally succumb to these reprehensible states. And what, in my thirst, a time of great need and terror, was the only available drink? A Snapple peach iced tea. Now, anybody who gives any mind to the Gource (and God knows you should) knows that I hate tea. But here is what I found as I consumed the Snapple: it was wholly tolerable. Why was this? Because the drink is chock full of HFCS goodness.
Time for some extrapolation. If high fructose corn syrup can make a bad thing tolerable, then it can probably make an already good thing excellent. Take it one step further: a thing that is already excellent can be made divine. Some examples: lobster with HFCS, veal with HFCS, firearms with HFCS bullets, robots powered by HFCS, etc.
I know what a lot of people are probably thinking: “wow Guiles, these ideas are so, so good.” Thank you. Now, I also know what an insignificant few of you are thinking: “won’t putting more HFCS in everything exacerbate America’s growing obesity problem, and won’t incidences of diabetes continue to rise?”
Simply put: no. America doesn’t have an obesity problem; America has a fat children problem. Kids these days are fatter than kids of the past, and they keep growing up into fat teenagers and fat adults. Occasionally these fat adults reproduce, like whales, resulting in thousands of sticky eggs full of fat children that somehow find their way to the ceilings and doors of fast food restaurants across this great nation. The cycle is both terrifying and hideous. As far as diabetes is concerned, I’m all for it making a serious comeback. This might seem confusing to you, but I’ve got my reasons, some of which might involve a desire to see Wilford Brimley back in the spotlight, where he belongs.

Hey, Stupid - Do You Want a T-Shirt?

2006-11-16T15:30:00.001-05:00

The Grimary Gource is currently offering some fantastic t-shirts available for purchase. They look like this:

If you want to buy one, send an e-mail to gource.gurchases@gmail.com, and maybe we'll consider it. Specify size and sex. T-shirts cost $20, and if you want us to put your ugly mug on the front, that'll be another $5. Order today and receive the t-shirt you ordered.

G.E.M.S. - Isn't it Time They Got a Life?

2006-11-16T15:25:00.000-05:00

It has recently been brought to the attention of the Gufts Campus, that G.E.M.S., the Gufts Emergency Medical Service, has been socially flat lining. Our erstwhile partiers, who would host the oxygen bar in the ranks of South Hall formerly dubbed the "red light" district, have become to dedicated to their duty. Their universal fobs used to grant us access into any party that could leave you comatose. The G.E.M.S. truck, used to be the love shack, where you didn't need an automated electronic defibrillator to get your heart pumping (if you know what I mean). CPR "Jane" and "Bob" were accused of not having a heart, but they did provide some hot synthetic action for several lonely Guftonians.
Alas, the party paramedics, no longer breathe the social life back into the Gufts campus. Who would have thought that altruism would come to lay low our noble nebulizers? It has been testified, that in the former red light district, the G.E.M.S. were running CPR drills. They must at all times be ready to save a Gufts student from sniffing too much of someone else's Aderol. The Gufts community must truly be thankful, for who else would rescue our roommates from a Natty Light Coma at a quarter to two on a Monday Night in Goddard Chapel? The truck can now be seen mourning in front of Barnum, waiting for a chemical experiment to go terribly wrong. On Thursdays they can also be seen outside the philosophy building, where Gorgias followers, who deny their existence, and fatalists who think that they only slow down the process repeatedly ignore them.
Needless to say, no longer will we see the blood pressure cuff being used as a means for autoerotic asphyxiation. Our prank calls of mortal peril or fratricide, will no longer be taken with a grain of salt. This new squad is more bile-provoking than syrup of ipecac. I for one will no longer be swallowing Clorox in order to get the life of the party to my 20.

Roman Numerals – Do They Mean Anything?

2006-11-15T18:47:00.000-05:00

Recently, there has been a movement among so-called “intellectuals” and “blue-collar workers” to integrate roman numerals into normal math and lists. Rather than using our time-honored Anglo numerals (1, 2, 3, 15, etc.), these topheavies want us to rely on using letters instead, apparently just leaving all our good numbers to waste away at the top of our American keyboards.
We must remember that the Romans were the same society that invented sodomy, bestiality, alcohol, and fraternities—all of their contributions to world society have been viciously harmful and largely blundering. Why have we not yet recognized the potentially harmful Roman influence on our American society through their numerals, essentially a theft of letters that previously meant things. MIX means mix, not 1,009. This should be obvious.
This extends to movie sequels, by the way. Like every other human being on earth, I tend to like sequels more than originals, but I am sick and tired of seeing a movie with a title like “Rocky V,” which always makes me wonder if the protagonist has changed his last name to Valboa. Give me The Santa Clause 3 over this unAmerican tripe, every time.

Tape - Do We Still Use This Stuff?

2006-11-15T01:51:00.001-05:00

Tape is nearly ubiquitous around a college campus. I am not referring to video or audiotape, both of which went out with Jeff Goldblum and the dinosaurs. Rather, I refer to strips of adhesive used for mending and other activities almost certain to frustrate a skilled craftsman with exacting demands (like myself, or Frank Gehry).

Tape never works. In a recent study done by an unbiased survey company, Consumer Advocates Against Tape, 76% of adhesive tape goes unsticky after twenty-five minutes, and the other 14% was never purchased. It is wise consumers like myself and Ralph Nader who know to avoid tape when putting this back together. There is only one thing that can genuinely get the job done, 100% of the time: Staples.
It is only idiots who cannot properly use staples, and you can tell who they are by the vampire bite-like holes in their thumbs where they got overzealous with a machine clearly too sophisticated for their Rice Krispies-like brains. These are the same Greenstreets who end up severing the top corner of their papers, simply because they are too bumblingly awkward to use staples to keep several pieces of paper in order.
Think about it: staples never die, they cannot rust, and they are unbreakable by all but Samuel L. Jackson. Realistically, there is no reason to use anything but staples to put things back together. This includes marriages.

Punctuality - What in God's Name Happened to it?

2006-11-12T21:59:00.000-05:00

Imagine this: you’re on your way to see a movie (for the purpose of this hypothetical the movie does not have Sean Penn in it, so it might actually be good) and you plan on meeting a couple of your friends at the theater because you’re all coming from different places. They’re on the way to the theater from their designated polling place, and you’re on the way from your residence since you, being a well-informed and probably groomed reader of this fine internet-publication are of the mental capacity to realize that voting is mostly stupid since most of the people who do it are dumb. What, given this situation, can you safely assume? The friends that you plan on meeting will be late, you will miss the previews, and the entire movie-going experience will be ruined. Why is this? Because punctuality is dead.
I don’t know when it happened, I’m not a historian nor am I boring enough a person to follow trends and graphs regarding punctuality, but at least I am capable of adhering to schedules. The simple and terrible fact is that more often than not people are getting places later than when they promise to, and this is the sort of thing that makes me so sick that my Pepto Bismol expenditures have gotten a little out of hand as of late. There is absolutely no excuse for this, since the average person now has with them upwards of 5 devices containing clocks at all times – cell phones, watches, iPods, laptops, more cell phones. Granted, only 4% of the population with these things is capable of successfully setting their devices’ internal clocks.
I’ve been thinking about this whole affair for awhile now, and after much deliberation I feel comfortable putting on my finger-pointing glove so that I may place the blame squarely on the guiltiest culprit: the institution of breakfast. For a little while this country was extremely supportive of keeping breakfast brief, clean, and simple, and our economy flourished as a result of it. Think back to about ten years ago – you couldn’t watch TV for ten minutes without seeing a commercial for a breakfast bar, shake, or injection of some kind, one that promised to keep you on time and on-the-go. But at some point all that changed, and America went back to sitting down to heaping plates of food-that-requires-preparation. This results in a morning meal that takes too long (causing immediate lateness) and contributes to this country’s terrifying fat-kid situation (causing long-term lateness). At this rate things can only get worse.
So here’s the solution folks: put down the forks, spoons, knives, and mugs of scalding Columbian bitterness – you won’t need them for the answer to all your future schedule and nutrition-related prayers. Start your day the way I start mine: a 12 oz can of Coke, and a multivitamin. I call it “The American Breakfast,” since it is extremely good for this country. It’s mercilessly efficient and extremely easy to make, especially if you can get a bottle of multivitamins that don’t have a child-proof lid. This will make your life better, this will make the world better.

People with Problems - Why do They Always Want to Talk About Them?

2006-11-12T16:05:00.000-05:00

Anybody alive in this era of bit-rates and LCD’s is sure to be under a lot of stress, certainly more than their ancestors who were terrified (but not stressed out by) teletype machines back in 1925. I can appreciate that various changes in the social and political climate since then have given people a lot more leeway in terms of what is “okay” to talk about, but there’s one area of free speech that’s really been getting on my nerves lately: problems.
People it is time for you to stop talking about your problems, and more specifically, talking to me about your problems. It’s not that I don’t understand, or that I’m a compassionless shell of an Adonis of a man. It’s just that having to listen to the lamentations on daily life with which people I know constantly bombard me makes me want to tear their mandible from their skull, leaving their face distorted, hideous, and unable to articulate their vocalizations into such words as “this is the problem I’m having,” or “here’s what’s bothering me.”
“Why such a problem with problems, Guiles?” you ask, your word choice a conscious decision made in an effort to alleviate the gravity of the situation (no dice, nosebleed). Here’s why: often times when people have a complaint they wish to discuss they often want to complain about me. Now, I am highly aware of the importance of complaining, as is self-evident, but when someone has an issue with me two things happen. First: I get confused, because what on earth could someone possibly find to complain about with respect to me? Second: I get angry, because if this person has a problem with me they are obviously unfit intellectually to even engage me in conversation, meaning that whenever I hear their voice my time is being wasted.
Listening to people’s problems that don’t directly involve me is also tortuous, as I’m sure some of you know. These trouble-factories who are constantly whining seem unable to schedule their sob-story-sessions at convenient times. Usually it’s a phone call at an unreasonable time (any hour greater than 1 and less than 10, a.m.) that sets into motion these unpleasant exchanges. And, this being Gufts University, 93% of all people with problems are piss-ass drunk at the aforementioned hours. My avalanche of resentment towards the intoxicated is an entirely different grouse, one that would require more pages than I’ve got years to my name, so I will not go into it now.
The point is this: if you’re having trouble with your love life, your social life, your sense of political efficacy, your family, a medical condition, finances, or whatever, remember that hearing about it only makes me root against you that much harder.

Museums - Shouldn't They Be More Accomodating?

2006-11-10T23:27:00.000-05:00

We’ve all been there: The Museum. Of course, as a hygienic and handsome member of society I do enjoy the occasional visit to a museum, or “house of fancy stuff” as the unwashed sectors of the populace refer to them. There’s no doubt that museums serve important purposes, like harboring paintings by dead schizophrenics, keeping hideous modern sculptures out of our public parks and restrooms, and providing a location for dates with women who are always saying that all you like to do is watch action movies and yell at the neighbor’s fat children for no reason aside from the fact that they’re fat, and you need to prove them (the women, not the fat children) wrong when they say you lack depth of character, hypothetically speaking. So, everything’s hunky-dory, right? Not right.
For all their glitz – the columns, the windows, the high school dropout employees wearing suits – museums lack a couple important amenities, like heart, and more importantly, an abundance of comfortable chairs in every room. Once upon a time I visited a gigantic and huge museum in a little town called Paris (I won’t say which museum, I don’t want to namedrop), and I found that I was having a serious problem: the problem of very tired legs and feet that don’t want to walk.
“That problem doesn’t seem too serious, Guiles” you might say. Bullshit. A man cannot effectively absorb culture if his feet are sprouting blisters and his legs are full of aches. What’s more, I find feigning interest in the thousandth painting of an unattractive woman in a state of unerotic undress becomes exponentially more difficult the less comfortable I am.
Fortunately for the world I’ve got a foolproof solution (what else is new?). Every museum simply needs to obtain a fleet of luxury wheelchairs, the kind that people of intellect deserve. Leather upholstery, hydrogen powered, dual cup-holders, and etcetera. This way people like me can enjoy museums under optimum conditions. What’s more, should one find himself driven to sleepiness as a result of the draining strain of cultural intake he can simply roll himself to a secluded corner (museums have lots of these – they’re mostly for making out with people who are under the impression that you’re sophisticated) and have a nap. Think about it, this could change the world. With more cultural knowledge the disparity between the average “Die Hard: With a Vengeance” watching person and the average contestant on “Jeopardy!” will begin to be eliminated, making it more likely that you might win two thousand dollars for asking someone “Géricault?” when you overhear them talking about tubercular infections.

Plato's Allegory of the Cave - Isn't It Time Teachers Stopped Using It in Their Curricula?

2006-11-09T15:10:00.000-05:00

Recently, ten students (who have chosen to remain anonymous) at Gufts were handed a photocopied excerpt of The Republic of Plato. Specifically, the so-called Allegory of the Cave. Asked to comment, several of these students claimed to have been exposed to this work previously at Gufts, one Jewish male even stating, "My God. If I have to read this fucking allegory one more time I will throw a [Jewish] fit." The Gource, while it does not support Jewish fits, also is of the fact that it is time our educational system jettisoned the Allegory.
First of all, it is widely known that both Socrates and Plato believed in having sex with children. Even by today's standards, this is absolutely unacceptable. When did we start taking advice from pedophiles? Next we will allow alcoholics to hold positions of political power. What if they throw up on a foreign dignitary, or drunk-dial the Big Red Button? Or even Red Buttons?
That aside, even if Socrates had sex with one or more women, like a regular person, the Allegory of the Cave is not fit to be taught in the classroom. First of all, it is not an allegory. Modern research shows that this was an actual event in Socrates' life, the time he was chained up underground, and his passing it off as an allegory is merely a duplicitous attempt to mislead modern readers.
Even if it weren't true, it makes absolutely no sense. Just because a person has never seen the sun does not mean that what they perceive does not exist. Someone standing outside would be observing something different, not necessarily something better. Example: even if you read nothing but The Grimary Gource, it would not mean that it was illusory. In fact, quite the contrary.
That's just fact.

Tea - Shouldn't You Stop Drinking It?

2006-11-08T21:01:00.000-05:00

Time to feel guilty, America.
It seems that lately, which is to say within the past few years, the popularity of tea has really started to go up. Okay, first of all: what the fuck is everyone’s problem? Tea, like all hot drinks that aren’t cocoa, is nasty as all disaster. Do you even know how it’s made? A man with extremely dirty feet stomps around in a big pile of leaves somebody raked up during the fall time, except the pile of leaves was moved into a barn and it is now the following spring and the guy stomping on the leaves is eating a burrito that isn’t maintaining its structural integrity. Then they put the leaves and toenails into tiny bags that you soak in water until it smells bad enough to drink. Gross.
Second of all: tea-drinkers hate the American dream. Remember in history class, how you learned about the great Anglo-slaughter of seventeen-seventeen-seven? If you’ve forgotten here’s a refresher: the British Tea Alliance tried to destroy the fledgling colony of Satcheltown, but was repelled by the shirtless American forces, a battle that single-handedly solidified America’s stature as a country nobody wants to fuck with. As a result, most American colonies adopted constitutions that forbade the production or consumption of tea, and for a while this country was great. But things change.
The olde time constitutions no longer hold any “legal” power and haven’t since sometime in the early 1940’s, so tea isn’t a controlled substance per se, but the fact of the matter is that it still carries un-American connotations (like civil liberties do in the south, basic fucking etiquette does in the Northeast, or haircuts do in California). However, tea’s unpatriotic message is universal across this great nation. Or, at least if fucking ought to be. So let’s put an end to this liquid equivalent to flag burning. And by the way, stop burning flags.

Nostalgia – Isn’t It Time We Just Got Over It?

2006-11-08T19:46:00.000-05:00

Recently, the Gource has noticed a viral outbreak of nostalgia all over the United States. “Things were so much better then,” people whine, “back when there was courtesy and no cuss words and fifty cents would buy you a tractor-trailer and all you needed was pluck and aspirations in order to maintain a perfect lawn.” There are more people I have heard say this than there are awful, mass-produced bagels in the state of Massachusetts. I have news for these people: things were not better back in the pre-nostalgic days. In fact, it was quite the opposite. They were worse.
Seriously, look at the statistics: 80% of people born between 1900 and 1980 held their hair in place with Bryl-Creme. Elections were held monthly to decide on local dogcatchers. The only illegal drug was Quaaludes. There were only two websites: Yahoo! and shockwave.com. And the soul patch-to-person ratio was 3:1. I am not making any sort of subjective judgment here; there are the facts. Go ahead and interpret them as you will.
Just consider these. It is time to stop being nostalgic. The fact is, there was never any perfect time period. We can only hope to work together and create a uptopia where the Velvet Underground is banned from our airwaves. Where kites shaped like anything but a diamond are summarily conflagrated. And we can cure the common cold. Remember, these ideas ran first here, in the Gource.

Jews - How Long Will You Let Your Noses Do the Talking?

2006-11-06T13:58:00.000-05:00

Recently, Gufts Gillel was vandalized with spray-painted pictures of big-nosed Jews. The Campus Jewish Alliance responded by covering over the pictures with even bigger pictures of famous Jews. This took place during the Jewish celebration of Shabbat, an annual grain festival. The Gufts Genate voted to staunchly condemn the acts of the vandals, and swore to take stronger action should this event occur again. The Gufts Genate was dead wrong.
Usually, the Grimary Gource is not a supporter of bigotry or vandalism. In this case, though, the Jews deserved it. If they do not want to be accused of having big noses, it would well behoove them to keep their big noses out of our faces. It's like, hey Jew buddy, just because my nose won't reach yours is no reason for yours to meet mine halfway!
Honestly, it's like the Jews are just aching for acts of anti-Judaism (The Gource does not use the term "anti-Semitism" as it technically refers to all Semitic people. Know your facts.)! When they can just resign themselves to a life like everyone else's, we can peacefully coexist.
Predicted and to be proven.

Cars on Campus - Why Don't They Just Find Their Own Roads?

2006-11-06T13:40:00.001-05:00

Imagine this scenario: a typical student (white) is walking around campus, reading a copy of the Grimary Gource, imagining how much better the world would be if the "one strike, you're out" policy were implemented, feeling comfortable enough with his sexuality not to have to look where's going, when suddenly he is mowed down by a car, usually driven by a senior citizen. You don't have to imagine this, because it happens every day. "Sure," you may be thinking, "in a third world country like Portugal." No. Right here. America. Gufts. Learn your facts.
I cannot count the number of times I have seen a car driving somewhere I previously thought reserved solely for foot traffic. This is clearly indicative of problem behavior elsewhere. Allowing cars to be driven in places that should be pedestrian-only just creates a slippery slope to allowing cars to be driven indoors, or through the air. The Grimary Gource will not stand for automobiles clogging up our precious airspace, busy taking high-powered executives from one event to another, allowing them to continue to work in our best interests.
We need to show motorists that this will not stand. The only way to do this is by outlawing the use of cars on college campi. Once we have done that, the number of automobile deaths will decrease drastically. Of course, you won't find Michael Moore advocating a reasoned solution like this, but isn't that what makes the Gource a more trustworthy source of information than any documentary film-maker of greater than 300 lbs.
Undeniable.

Helicopters - Aren't they Ridiculous Contraptions?

2006-11-05T16:21:00.000-05:00

Have you ever really looked at a helicopter? I’m not asking if you’ve ever seen one, and I’m not even asking in hopes that you’ll answer, because I don’t care. The point I’m trying to make is that helicopters are a fucking outrageous mode of transportation. It might seem weird, but I feel a lot less comfortable with a vehicle that is not symmetrical. A scientist would probably say that this is because of evolutionary factors that make human beings like things that have lines of symmetry. Helicopters, being the precarious and dangerous crafts that they are, try to warn us humans of the threat they pose by failing to be symmetrical, much like poison dart frogs exhibit bright and garish colors in order to keep would-be predators safe from their deadly poison.

Of course, I haven’t even mentioned the most dangerous aspect of helicopters: they are inexorably drawn to power lines, like flies to honey or meth addicts to run-down areas of suburbia. I don’t know about you, but I don’t feel comfortable with aircraft that are so disastrously prone to getting themselves tangled up in high tension cables that frequently have an absurd amount of current running through them.
Here’s what I suggest: everybody should stop using helicopters, forever. “What would we replace them with?” you ask. Easy: hot air balloons. Hot air balloons have so much symmetry it’s insane, and they’re much quieter than helicopters. They might not work as well in windy areas, but it’s important to remember that places with lots of wind are also places you shouldn’t be living, because you never know when wind might turn on you and become a hurricane.

Corduroy - Isn't it the Best Material Ever?

2006-11-03T19:02:00.000-05:00

I get accused of being too negative very frequently. Lately I’ve been getting letters, phone calls, and faxes from distraught readers begging me to stop being so hostile in my writing, or to at least occasionally write about subject matter that doesn’t make my blood boil with rage and my throat fill with the bile of a disgusted man. So I will acquiesce. I will write about corduroy.

Let’s get one thing straight right now so there won’t be any confusion down the line: corduroy is the best material that clothes can be made out of, especially pants and especially jackets. I myself own upwards of 10 pairs of corduroy pants, with one corduroy jacket for every two pairs of pants. If you’re one of those people who wear denim I’ll do the math for you, since God knows you won’t be able to on your own. That’s five awesome corduroy jackets for a total of fifteen articles of corduroy clothing, excluding underwear and scarves, the numbers for which are murky at best – hey, I can’t be emptying drawers and counting things every time I write an article, I’m a busy man!
On a tangentially related note the Grimary Gource will hopefully soon be offering finely printed T-shirts bearing our aesthetically pleasing logo and a good portion of my brutally handsome visage. Unfortunately the shirts themselves couldn’t be corduroy, as it happens that screen printing on the fantastic material is “problematic.” Whatever.

Protesting Things - Isn't it Time it Stopped?

2006-11-02T15:44:00.000-05:00

There are a lot of problems in the world today: bacon shortages, uppity Canadians, exploding dolphins, and the rest, but somehow I manage not to go around protesting everything all the time. Lately it seems that protesting has become the new “in” medium of voicing one’s discontent with various meaningless issues. Look here America, I do not want to have to deal with the Causes of the Unwashed. Sure, there are things that bug me about the universe, like why can’t a guy ever get chocolate covered relish-balls pre-made at my local chocolatier instead of having to use the old Gonoughan family recipe. I know that the store-bought iteration of the delectable delicacy would not live up to the handcrafted goodness to which I am accustomed, but it would save me a lot of time. Do I then put on a garishly painted sandwich board and march my way down to the chocolate dealer of my scorn, waving castanets and rattling torches? No. I take a deep breath, count to three, and imagine a river of blood knee deep flooding the city streets. I don’t feel the need to make myself a nuisance to every fucking human being on the planet just because something’s not going my way.
“But Guiles” a reeking and smoking poncho-wearing “dude” protests as I explain to him my views, twigs falling from his mouth as he speaks “the president is bad and the war in Iraq has to stop and what about Darfur?”
“Yeah!” a rich, white, cause-adopting college suburbanite agrees, “don’t forget that we got to boil all the world’s water supply to make sure it’s clean for Palestine.” She wears a poorly screened shirt depicting Palestine in a pot of boiling water, a logo I am sure nobody thought through. I shake my head in frustration.
People please, I just want to be able to walk down the street without some guy with a haircut asking me if I have a few minutes to spare for the environment, or if I am registered to vote in wherever it is I live, or if I have fucking spare change because the answer to all these questions is the same: “No, no, a thousand times no, take a shower.”
Seriously, isn’t it time this stopped? Isn’t it…time?

Music Revue: Cat Power - Why don't you just CHEER the FUCK UP?

2006-11-02T11:11:00.000-05:00

Look, it's not that I hate music. Many would say that I listen to it frequently. But the other day, while trying to listen to the soothing sounds of Cat Stevens, I accidentally played some bullshit by a Miss Cat Power (I have a large music collection; larger than yours). I heard her whine all over Moon-eyed Pix, You Are Free to Weep, and The Greatest Sadness the World Has Ever Known (do not even get me started on her "Weeping Under the Covers" album). Through all of this, she just complained about this and that in her whatever life. News flash, Miss Power: CHEER THE FUCK UP.
Nobody wants to listen to sad music. This has been proven. According to an unbiased survey by the Family Protection from Abortion Organization, 0% of all human beings enjoy listening to sad music. Know. Your. Facts. So when Miss Power is ready to sing out and be free, I'm ready to listen, because there's a million ways to be (you know that there are).

Isn't it Time the People of Facebook Friended Me?

2006-11-02T02:45:00.000-05:00

Edit: You should also let people know what's what and join the facebook group.

Autumn - Can't We Just Get it Over With Already?

2006-11-01T19:34:00.000-05:00

Hear me out, Northern Hemisphere. I like orange leaves and butchered pumpkins as much as the next guy (unless the next guy is an asshole, in which case I like aforementioned things more) but I’ve just about had it with this season. It starts out pleasantly enough, with medium-length days and light jacket-friendly weather, but I am of the belief that Mother Nature should get back to what she does best: being a harsh and brutal mistress. I don’t need to be coddled by the seasons, and I sure as hell don’t need a season that gives people more excuses to buy a fifth fleece pullover in a muted color.
What I need is weather that means business, and days where the sun clocks out at half past three. I want to be constantly reminded that going outside is a bad idea, and that there are forces in this universe that despise comfort and contentedness as much as I do. Let’s hear it for Old Man Winter.
In addition to curbing the distressingly high rates of smiling and public displays of affection, the cold gray hand of winter also plays an important role in the urban ecosystem: controlling the homeless population. Much like the lion of the Serengeti Plain, winter cuts down the slowest and the weakest of the nation’s hobos. Those that survive are hardened, exhibiting fewer symptoms of schizophrenia and hassling me for nickels with less desperation. It’s like Nietzsche said, “that which does not kill me will hopefully take a few homeless people down.” The man had Ideas, people.
Despite the fact that it’s officially November, a month known for its high rates of both slaughtered turkeys and new cases of diabetes in children under twelve (two things that make me smile), my heart is heavy with the knowledge that it will be weeks yet before the trees are bare and the earth is as hard as the concrete I wish covered every square inch of it. I will persevere though, I will always hate this season.

Music Revue: Covers

2006-11-01T11:19:00.000-05:00

I was just listening to my iPod on shuffle, and came across a certain Jimi Hendrix's cover of Bob Dylan's song "All Along the Watchtower." What the hell is this? I had never heard Mr. Hendrix play this song before (I have a substantially large music collection; larger than yours) and was frankly disappointed. Is there some reason that he cannot play songs he himself wrote? I for one never get tired of "Purple Haze." Playing songs written by Bob Dylan is just lazy. I'm looking at you, Jeff Buckley.
Actually, not to get off-topic, but Jeff Buckley is another man who thinks he's too cool to actually write songs. Everyone loves Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah," but did you know that it is a cover of a Leonard Cohen song? That's right. Look it up. KNOW YOUR FACTS.
Enough is enough. It's time we stopped allowing whoever these deltoids are to sing other, harder -working performers' songs. You heard it here first. In the Gource.

Ugly People on the T - Shouldn't They Just Walk?

2006-11-01T02:16:00.001-05:00

We’ve all been there: you’re riding the Red Line en route to somewhere wonderful – like the movies – and all of a sudden life gets a whole lot more terrible. The cause of this terrible? An ugly person has just boarded your subway car. This is the sort of thing that always happens, usually at throwaway stops like Central or Charles MGH. I don’t know about you, but I hate having to look at ugly people, and one really isn’t given much choice when boxed up in a rattling subway car full of hideousness.
“But Guiles” you say, “ugly people are people too.” Dear admirer you are incorrect. Admittedly ugly people are people inasmuch as they walk around on two legs (sometimes), consume food, have dreams, and read TV Guide. But they differ from Attractive People in a very important way: they’re fucking awful to witness. I swear to God, in this era of sue-happy Americans I’m surprised that nobody’s yet leveled a suit at these public-transportation-using abominations. Think of the damages – emotional, physical (throwing up after seeing an ugly person is an example of physical damages), and spiritual.
I feel that the spiritual repercussions of seeing ugly people are the most significant. If – God willing – you’re like me you’re a staunch believer in a benevolent/extremely vengeful God. Obviously this God loves me (what’s not to love?) and wants me to be a happy guy. Why then would he create creatures of such offensive appearance? Simply by existing these people are waging a hard-to-look-at war on one of my many Constitutionally Protected Freedoms (CPF’s), and quite frankly I just can’t handle this. I realize I can’t just ask ugly people to stop existing, especially with the economy in the state it’s in, but I can ask that they politely find other means of getting from point A to point B, means that don’t involve me having to lay eyes on them. Honestly ugly people, just walk. Do it for me. Do it for the Gource.