It has recently been brought to the attention of the Gufts Campus, that G.E.M.S., the Gufts Emergency Medical Service, has been socially flat lining. Our erstwhile partiers, who would host the oxygen bar in the ranks of South Hall formerly dubbed the "red light" district, have become to dedicated to their duty. Their universal fobs used to grant us access into any party that could leave you comatose. The G.E.M.S. truck, used to be the love shack, where you didn't need an automated electronic defibrillator to get your heart pumping (if you know what I mean). CPR "Jane" and "Bob" were accused of not having a heart, but they did provide some hot synthetic action for several lonely Guftonians.
Alas, the party paramedics, no longer breathe the social life back into the Gufts campus. Who would have thought that altruism would come to lay low our noble nebulizers? It has been testified, that in the former red light district, the G.E.M.S. were running CPR drills. They must at all times be ready to save a Gufts student from sniffing too much of someone else's Aderol. The Gufts community must truly be thankful, for who else would rescue our roommates from a Natty Light Coma at a quarter to two on a Monday Night in Goddard Chapel? The truck can now be seen mourning in front of Barnum, waiting for a chemical experiment to go terribly wrong. On Thursdays they can also be seen outside the philosophy building, where Gorgias followers, who deny their existence, and fatalists who think that they only slow down the process repeatedly ignore them.
Needless to say, no longer will we see the blood pressure cuff being used as a means for autoerotic asphyxiation. Our prank calls of mortal peril or fratricide, will no longer be taken with a grain of salt. This new squad is more bile-provoking than syrup of ipecac. I for one will no longer be swallowing Clorox in order to get the life of the party to my 20.
Alas, the party paramedics, no longer breathe the social life back into the Gufts campus. Who would have thought that altruism would come to lay low our noble nebulizers? It has been testified, that in the former red light district, the G.E.M.S. were running CPR drills. They must at all times be ready to save a Gufts student from sniffing too much of someone else's Aderol. The Gufts community must truly be thankful, for who else would rescue our roommates from a Natty Light Coma at a quarter to two on a Monday Night in Goddard Chapel? The truck can now be seen mourning in front of Barnum, waiting for a chemical experiment to go terribly wrong. On Thursdays they can also be seen outside the philosophy building, where Gorgias followers, who deny their existence, and fatalists who think that they only slow down the process repeatedly ignore them.
Needless to say, no longer will we see the blood pressure cuff being used as a means for autoerotic asphyxiation. Our prank calls of mortal peril or fratricide, will no longer be taken with a grain of salt. This new squad is more bile-provoking than syrup of ipecac. I for one will no longer be swallowing Clorox in order to get the life of the party to my 20.
No comments:
Post a Comment