Michael Phelps - Can't We Rally Around Him?

Honestly, The Gource tends to be a bit unenthused by the Olympics. For one thing, it pits our athletes against those from other nations, something that should only be done on the battlefield. Also, it often leads to debacles (pictured). But this year, we finally have reason to celebrate: a white person has been performing splendidly against foreigners.
Michael Phelps has been showing the world that there is a good reason to hold the Olympics somewhere other than America: it gives our opponents less distance to go when they run home crying.
Frankly, it has been a difficult year for the Olympics. Americans stateside have had to endure the whining of pan-Asians (probably) about the alleged missteps China has taken in its treatment of Tibet (Still? Really? What year is it that we're still discussing this?) and its involvement in the War for The Hearts and Minds of the Sudanese and Also Most of Their Limbs. While the Gource absolutely does not support what China is doing (ever), neither does it support waiting over ten minutes at an important intersection because people have an enormous complaining banner.
And so the Gource anticipated a disappointing Olympics, the sort where people from other countries beat people from our own (American) one. Luckily, that did not happen.
Meet the white man who is beating everyone:
Something to think about whenever anyone suggests that white people aren't superior.

The Holocaust - Can it be Proven?

Recently, the Belgian author of a Holocaust-related memoir admitted that she made the whole thing up. This raises a very important question: Is there any non-fictionalized evidence that the Holocaust actually happened?

It has been a long time since this has been timely, but there are two important Holocaust questioners to know about. One of them famously discussed his skepticism at a well-known United States University, and was largely reviled by so-called "historians" and "Jews."
The other just died. In his absence, maybe it is time to re-raise the question: Did the thing happen? Or is it a myth? Or did it happen to, like, a couple guys, and then got blown out of proportion?
Remembering the Holocaust, one will turn to historical documents such as Schindler's List, Life is Beautiful, Sophie's Choice, and Jakob the Liar. These movies all have something in common: they benefit directly from the public believing in the Holocaust. If it had never happened, nobody would see these awful, boring movies (and it's spelled J-A-C-O-B, thank you very much). It would seem that there is no substantial non-fiction non-movie on the subject.
The issue is not yet resolved.
The Gource has long viewed itself a reconciliatory publication (except when we are purposely trying to divide people against each other). Here we discuss the way to completely submit to both science and religion, without ignoring either. It is not necessary for everything true to be proven. Case in point: God. And Reaganomics. So, maybe there is not extant evidence that the Holocaust really occurred, but we at The Gource have faith that it did.

America's Incarcerated - Can't We Do Better?

Wise up, America. According to a recent article in the Jew York Times, over 1% of American adults are in jail or prison. This is the highest the proportion has ever been. Frankly, this sort of item is the kind of wake-up call we need: Time to put more people in prison. The Grimary Gource will not be satisfied until only 1% of American are free.

Reader, think about yourself, and then think about 99 other people, preferably liberals. How many of those people deserve to be walking the streets, panhandling for "green" organizations and voting to close American businesses? If you're thinking clearly, the answer should be "one:" you.
But how to best accomplish this feat? Luckily, you are reading the only website that can answer that question. First, we need to step up the penalties for drug-related offenses, especially marijuana ones. Offer monetary bonuses to any police officer who arrests someone for suspected use or possession of this dangerous drug, and make the minimum prison sentence for such a crime Thirty Years. Also, start enforcing sodomy laws (I'm certain the Supreme Court is ready to overturn its previous anti-Texan ruling).
Next, abolish the death penalty. Now, I'm aware that this is a controversial statement to make, especially when the death penalty has so far successfully managed to deter crime such that the nationwide murder rate has been dropping steadily since the United States was founded (98% of the population was murdered in the year 1777 -- know your facts). However, what if we commuted all death sentences, allowing the swelling prison populations to serve as grim reminders to the free population that they, at any time, could be asked to share a cell with one of these men (we will find a way to get rid of women too, unless they start pulling their weight, crime-wise [actually, overturning Roe v. Wade and prosecuting babymurdering would be a great start]).
But what will become of our economy? I hear alarmists and human rights craptivists ask. Come on, don't be dense. If we continue to use our prison population for cheap labor (we needn't legally pay them minimum wage-- don't tell me this isn't a Great Nation), we can continue to have a working economy, one with almost universal slave labor. This can actually only help our economy by making the rich (readers of This Publication) richer.
So get on board, readership. Write to your Congressman or Presidential campaigner of choice (like you really have one) and tell them to make this issue a cornerstone of their campaign and term in office. A check would also help. You can also send the check to the Gource, and we will mail it along for you.

American Christians - Can't They Do Something Right?

Yes, we've been stagnant lately. No, we don't care enough about you to make it happen more frequently. Get over it. If you want more updates in this blog, go ahead and write them yourself.

Unfortunately, recent events have caught our attention and made posting in this web publication necessary. Those who pay any attention at all to Important News are well aware of the War on Christmas. It has been a long, drawn-out war in which some people (read: The Jews) are trying to replace the friendliest greeting of the year, "Merry Christmas," with a weaker, more offensive substitute, "Go Die." It should be apparent to everyone with at least half a brain that these do not mean the same thing. Trying to replace our national tradition of wishing people a Merry Christmas when they buy our products is like trying to replace Uncle Sam with Tevye the Dairyman.
Recently, this crisis reached a head, as a small-minded Jew on the New York City subway responded to seasonal greetings of "Merry Christmas" with his own twisted "Happy Channukkah." The right-minded Christians, tired of the oppressive, Jewish atmosphere in Jew York City, attacked him. Luckily, they outnumbered him and his Jew-friends ten-to-three.
Problem solved, right? Historically, every time Jews have been outnumbered they've been beaten into submission. Unfortunately, this was not the case. First of all, it is certainly possible that these Christians were not devout enough. One of them said, "Oh, Hanukkah. That's the day that the Jews killed Jesus." This is incorrect. Good Friday is the day that the Jews killed Jesus. Know Your Facts.
Next, a Muslim man, a "student," intervened and held off many of the Christians until the Jew who made the inflammatory comment stopped the train. There is no further evidence necessary of the Jews' stranglehold on the New York underground. Nor of Muslims' brute force, the sort of thing that it can take years of our military's time to effectively combat. The police are charging the ten Christians, and they may even be charged with a hate crime.
Come on, American Jewry. Isn't enough enough? Can't you give up our nations subways, if only for the Christmas season? Please, we're trying to be civil: Stop this nonsense or we'll beat you up. If all you've got is Muslims on your side, you know everybody else hates you.

Day Two of Islamofascismawarenessweek - What Will You Do?

Honestly, the Grimary Gource is a little disappointed. We are aware of our status as trailblazers and visionaries, and we are even used to being imitated occasionally. But really, don't our imitators understand when enough is enough? Yesterday, we made it clear that we would be providing up-to-the-minute coverage of Islamofascistawarenessweek. This, needless to say, was all some publications needed to start their own "coverage" of this event. The Gource would have been less disappointed if these "publications" had even a modicum of respect for the subject about which they're writing.
Here they discuss the plight of Christians in Muslim countries. At this point, one of their "writers" might be thinking, "How come The Grimary Gource is not discussing the way that Christians are victimized, every day, the world over?"
The answer should be obvious. Christians do not need any help from The Gource (or any paper substitutes). Christians are the only people in the whole world who possess the strength of heart, the courage of perseverance, to weather the coming Muslim storm. Suggesting that they need our help means that we do not trust them enough to visit upon the Muslim people their full wrath, as they have done so many times before. Nice try.

Islamofascismawarenessweek Kickoff Events!

As all right-thinking persons know, this week is Islamofascismawarenessweek, a week devoted to showing the dangers of radical Islam, a problem currently ignored by almost everyone in the United States (and all other White Places on Earth). In brief, the point of Islamofascismawarenessweek is to increase awareness of Islamofascism, a brand of Islam that encompasses all Muslims, the world over. It is high time that someone discussed, for example, the lack of rights given to women in Islamofascistcountries, and American conservatives are the ones to do it.
To get the week started off right, The Gource recommends asking a Muslim person (any one will do) to justify the astonishingly intolerant and inhuman behavior, of, for example, the practice of slavery in the Muslim world as recent as 1878. If they try to deny involvement, you know they are a terrorist.

The 2008 General Election - Must We Cover It?

Well, enough is enough. For months now The Gource has been bombarded by maladroit missives from morons demanding that we cover This Current Election. Frankly, The Gource does not need the advice of our readers -- if you were smarter, you would be providing content to this Glog. The time has come, however, to begin such coverage, and The Gource is not interested in hearing whether or not you agree.
A fine place to start this coverage would likely be last night's Republican debate, which careful political observers will remembers was Lolcats Themed. What made this unfortunate was the recent recusal of Sam Brownback from this election, seeing as his entire campaign thus far has been lolcats-based.
The other candidates fared just fine without him, although his absence was certainly notable, especially when a question of foreign policy devolved into an all-out shouting match between Giuliani and Thompson, with Giuliani's "im in ur country -- defending ur borders" met in turn with Thompson's "i can has presidency?"
The real surprise of the evening came from Mike Huckabee, who compared legalized abortion to the Holocaust. As Huckabee laboriously explained, "the germins koodnt giv joos the life they deserv, so, like a pregnint mother, abortid them."
Mitthew Romney seemed confident through all of this, though, knowing that polls had placed him in front of all other Republican candidates. His one contribution was during a question about moral legislation, during which Romney quietly noted "im with crist."
As further debates occur, expect The Gource to cover them. Come here for your best information on who will win this election.

Iraq - Do They Even Know Who They Are?

You'd have to be an idiot to be able to go a week without hearing members of the hoi polloi whining about Blackwater. If you are like me, you ignore any reporting of current events not addressed in the Grimary Gource, which means you have no idea what Blackwater is and think it might be some anti-industrial pollution-themed propaganda. Wrong, but I like your attitude.
Blackwater is actually a private militaristic organization that we, The United States, placed in Iraq. As the Gource has mentioned before, the U.S. has foolishly built up its military from the unwashed and stupid, creating a force that is scrappy and mentally disabled, ensuring loss at any head-to-head matchup. In its infinite wisdom, our government has hired a group of trained mercenaries to police Iraq, which is swiftly and inexplicably becoming unstable. Needless to say, some liberal crybabies are complaining that the Soldiers of Fortune at Blackwater have been randomly firing into crowds of civilians, killing any non-white person they can see.
Recently, the "Prime Minister" of Iraq has asked the United States to pull Blackwater out of Iraq. The Gource is not interested in debating whether or not Iraqi civilians deserve to be fired on (yes) or whether Blackwater should stay or go (stay). Frankly, the Gource is more concerned by the stupidity apparently rampant in Iraq's leadership.
Few of our readers will be old enough to remember Saddam Hussein, so here's a quick primer: he was a Muslim fanatic who conspired with the Jews to blow up the World Trade Center and attack some of our most valuable fields. We went into Iraq to see if he had any nuclear weaponry, and found that not only did he have SO MANY nuclear weapons, but his own people also hated him. They were too weak to get rid of him, so we sneaked into his castle and shot him through the head.
Here is a message to the people of Iraq: Who the hell do you think you are to try to get a whole paramilitary organization out of your company? You couldn't even handle kicking out a mustachioed fat man. Get serious, Iraq. We'll kick Blackwater out ourselves once we've funded them enough that they take over the country and have policies we dislike.

The Gays - Why Are We Unable to Contain Them?

Recently, the Vatican suspended a priest for being gay and claiming that it's not a sin. Those who are unfamiliar with The Gource may think that this is a rare occurrence of a Thing That Doesn't Frustrate Me. Those people are idiots. Frankly, this suspension may be the beginning of a painful end to a centuries-long tradition that has kept our society stable.
It is well-documented that homosexuals are ill-suited to careers in public office. Furthermore, they cannot be teachers or police officers, and they have absolutely ruined Broadway for the rest of us. Since there have been jobs, gays have been unwelcome to hold them. This is why they have long been relegated to the clergy, where they can discreetly do their disgusting business to other dudes without the rest of us having to think about it, see it, or hear about it, ever.
Then documentaries like Deliver Us From Evil threw a spotlight on the sex lives of those behind the collar, and the public was outraged, and now we have to think about sodomy, which is something the Gource tries to avoid at all times (both the thinking and the doing). The Vatican used to be highly skilled at shuffling its deck of priests so that no deviant would get bored of the same group of children and be thus inclined to go public with their pederasty/homosexuality. Now, out of nowhere, it is letting the public know that one of its priests is gay, and is pretending that this isn't exactly the way this works.
Listen, we're aware that the Catholic Church is under new management, but this sort of disrespect for the way things are done and a complete disregard for the past is becoming the hallmark of this Papal administration. If they don't get their asses in gear out there in Vatican City, they may find people looking to other denominations where gays are more welcome.

Improvement - What's Wrong With That?

Absolutely nothing, of course. But all of a sudden, people are saying that it is "bigoted" to suggest that a group of people improve themselves. If this is the America in which we're living, this is an America that could stand some perfecting itself.
Specifically, we are referring to the comments made by a well-respected political pundit. Ann Coulter, long alone as a mouthpiece of Rightness and Justice, has explained that Christians "just want Jews to be perfected." This, for whatever reason, is drawing fire from some high-powered Jews. Frankly, The Grimary Gource feels that Miss Coulter was being far too charitable.
Some people are born privileged, some are not. This is just the facts. Those that fail to be born Christian probably are, in the Gource's estimation, unsalvageable. If science suggests otherwise, the Gource holds firm that these Jews are not worth saving.
Miss Coulter, somehow, has taken a far more charitable tack. She is suggesting, against all evidence, that Jews are reformable. This is patently absurd. The issue we should be taking with Miss Coulter's comments is not that she suggested that Jews are imperfect; it is suggesting that they have the potential to improve. Until such time as the Jews vote, en masse, for a candidate who does not endorse the things that matter most to them (money-grubbing, baby-boiling), we will remain in a world where the Jews can be ignored as a voting bloc (seriously, they're like 2%, tops, of the voting public).

Police Brutality - When is it Appropriate?

College students are known for being some of the most unpleasant, misinformed, unhygienic, and malnourished people in this magnificent country. It should come as no surprise then that they are also some of the most likely to find themselves on the business end of a healthy dose of Police Brutality. What is surprising is the inevitable confused, indignant, and hungover outcry that seeps and stumbles forth from the student population in response to Incidents like the one that occurred earlier this week in Florida. If, for whatever reason, you’ve managed to avoid this news (maybe you’re so loyal a reader as to only receive important news from the Gource) you can watch the incident yourself:



Let’s take a moment to examine the video, and to see what solid facts we can discern, as knowing one’s facts is the first step in making a decision about an issue.

Fact: the student in question is undeniably obnoxious, making outrageous claims relating to the “real” outcome of the 2004 election.
Fact: the student belabors the topic of disenfranchised black voters – a term that, in an ideal world, would be redundant.
Fact: the student speaks much too loudly – the purpose of a microphone is to eliminate the need for witless, inarticulate scum-people to shout their zygotic thoughts, though by their very nature microphones are dangerous in their ability to broadcast these thoughts to large groups of people.
Fact: the student acts in an unreasonable and disruptive manner after being confronted by the police. Freedom of expression is guaranteed under this country’s constitution, and I think it’s important to realize that tasering is a valid form of expression employed by cops to convey sentiments of frustration towards scrotum-faced rabble-rousers. Furthermore I do not want to hear any “if’s,” “and’s,” or “but’s” regarding the extent to which freedom of expression is guaranteed.

Finally, the most important fact: the student is unaware of how magnificently annoying his behavior is, and, as a result, why the police deemed his arrest a just course of action. The startling lack of sentience exhibited by the student leads me to question whether or not the being in question can truly be considered human on a metaphysical level. He might look and sound human(ish), but one of the qualifying factors of being admitted into our supreme species’ ranks is one’s ability to recognize that one exists and can interact with the environment. I’m not going to bore you with a bevy of dull, dry, and damning philosophical evidence capable of sentencing this shouting troublemaker to sub-human status beyond a shadow of a doubt, as any reasonable person has already reached the logical conclusion that the recipient of this Police Brutality is not, in fact, a person.

One might look at this viewpoint and try to argue that as a sub-person the student is not subject to the laws he allegedly broke. Incorrect. You don’t have to be human to disturb the peace – I’ve had numerous neighbors with numerous dogs that proved this fact on a nightly basis. However, I am fairly confident that one can’t reasonably get upset with officers of the law using non-lethal subduing force on any noisy elephant, cussing macaw, or dangerous echidna that happens to wander into a Q&A session with a former presidential candidate. This student is no different. Had animal control been around I’m sure they could have handled the situation with tranquilizers and net-launchers, but they weren’t, so instead of getting outraged at what hippies, coddling mothers, and weaklings would describe as “excessive force” the American people ought to be upset over the excessive restraint police showed by not simply dropping this vocalization-enabled-asshole with a noisy serving of .40 caliber “shut up” Justice.

Sally Field - What Does She Know About Anything?

Nothing. What do I know: That I should really just stop committing time to televised award shows, as my track record with these programs hasn’t been great. However, it’s too late to apply this lesson to the Emmys, since I already watched them. Maybe you’ve heard about the alleged controversy that’s risen out of the ashes of this hateful 8 hour stretch of TV. If not, I’ll briefly fill you in.

Sally Field, a woman best known for being famous over thirty years ago for reasons nobody can recall has a well-documented history of terrible acceptance speeches. Apparently she won an Emmy last night (don’t ask me what for, I was fairly engrossed in designing the handsome new logo you no doubt notice at the top of this page. However, as Sally Field began yammering into the microphone I was at once unable to ignore the Emmys. My inability to ignore her was influenced by two things: the idiocy of her words and the infuriating voice God cursed Sally Field with, a voice she used to say her idiotic words. Please endure the following video of the event:



Now, you no doubt know how I feel about fat people, ugly people, irrational people, precocious women, and liberals. How unfortunate for me (and you, and everyone we know) that Sally Field happens to be all five of these things? I’m almost tempted to be annoyed with the Fox Network for failing to provide viewers with an adequate warning about the presence of this troll. I guess, however, their correct decision to cut her off and censor her egregious use of the Lord’s name makes up for their lack of foresight.

The issue is not that celebrities frequently voice their misled, unfounded, and unreasonable opinions on politics (often in the form of poorly structured sentences and/or music), it’s that they continue to get away with it. I realize that there’s a sliver of a margin of a percentage of people who might, inexplicably, agree with Sally Field on the issue of war, but I also know that there is a strong, vocal, and properly hostile majority willing to speak out in favor of the Act. It’s this group’s failure to retaliate that I’m confused by. Why do soldiers, their mothers, and people capable of thought and violence let these Hollywood elitists speak to us this way as though we were helots? This absolutely will not stand, and so I demand you, dear readers, to punch a celebrity square in their face should you happen upon one on the street.

Hurricanes - Why are They Still an Issue?

As Summer slowly gives way to its more solemn, serious, and respectable follower Autumn, the meteorologists (or weather-diviners for you traditionalists out there) find themselves hard at work taking up precious space and time on television sets across this Country. It’s hurricane season, and the news will Not Shut Up about it.

This in itself is no surprise to me, or anyone with an appropriate knowledge about the Lord and His Plans for the weather’s yearly dance. What’s troubling is the fact that, as a technological society, we have yet to overcome these storms that cost taxpayers, and network news watchers, so much of what they find important. What’s most vexing about the world’s continuing hurricane problem is the fact that it could easily be solved, but pressure from the plywood and evacuation-route sign industries have kept this solution under wraps, in the same way that environmentalists and retards will argue that the fuel industry has fought electric vehicles. Except this time, it’s the truth, and not THC-induced lunacy. Since we here at the Gource (myself especially) are committed to solutions, I will explain how to fix hurricanes for the future, in hopes that this information will be adopted by The Powers That Be in order to keep my television free of unnecessary hurricane coverage.

First, some information about hurricanes: hurricanes are enormous, hulking, water slinging storms that live in the ocean and don’t bother anyone until they stumble into resort-filled third world countries, thus putting rich Americans at risk of getting rained on. Hurricanes are not the world’s smartest weather systems – essentially they head for warm waters whenever possible. Unfortunately for third world islands, the water surrounding their beggar-strewn shores are frequently warmer than the open ocean, thus making them a target for hurricanes. Now, we haven’t got the technology to destroy a hurricane that is already formed, nor can we prevent them from coming into being in the first place. All we can do at the current time is divert them into smaller, poorer, and beach-resort-less islands by heating up the water surrounding said islands with thermonuclear weaponry. With the cooperation of the National Weather Service and the United States Military we could obliterate the hurricane problem as well as the poor island-nation problem and the we-have-too-many-warheads problem all in one fell swoop.

There you have it America, you’re welcome. Again.

P.S.

Before I get two (thousand) emails about how upsetting the use of WMD's on tropical waters would be to the ecosystems of said waters let me remind you, the reader/possible outraged emailer, that fish, hydras, aquatic mammals, and mollusks are among the least remarkable and most endangered species on the planet. Instead of looking at my proposed solution as "environmentally disastrous" try thinking of it as "finishing what we started."

Senate Ethics Violators - Can't We Punish Them More Thoroughly?

Recently, as many of our more alert readers will have noticed, there has been a considerable dip in the rate at which Grimary Gource posts are published. This is because, as per usual, the Gource is designed by and large as a forum for complaint and criticism of the state of the world. Unfortunately (for you, the reader, not for we, the writers), we latched onto a politician whose opinions we can really enjoy, and as a result, our ire has rarely been lower.

In April or so, we semipermanently relocated to Idaho to diligently serve the interests of one Sen. Larry Craig. This was, of course, until recently, when it was reported by some low-grade scandal sheets that the once esteemed "Senasstor" was trying to engage in acts that are illegal outside the home, immoral in or out, and disgusting in theory and practice, with an undercover police officer. He has since resigned, pledging to spend more time with his wife and several mistresses.
This; as far as Guiles, Gade, Gunðer, Gephie, Galley and I are concerned; is not enough. We do not believe in "slap-on-the-wrist" punishments for offenders of crimes against the Lord and Science. The Republican Party is clearly too permissive of sexual deviants.
Over the years, many prominent members of Congress' Republican Party have been outed as homosexuals. They include Jon Hinson (R-MS), Robert Bauman (R-MD), Mark Foley (R-FL), Jim Kolbe (R-AZ), Ed Schrock (R-VA), David Dreier (R-CA), and now Larry Craig (R-ID). Frankly, the ease with which Larry Craig came out disturbs us. With such a history of closeted "homosexuals" voting Against gays and For decency, one would think that the Republican Party would do more to root out these catastrophes before they happen. Clearly, whatever they're trying is not working. It is time to try a new approach.
In 2002, Larry Craig voted against the inclusion of sexual orientation as a criterion for what constitutes a hate crime. Bully for him. Frankly, the idea of a "hate" crime is ridiculous. Many crimes are committed out of love. But he ultimately disappointed. His outing as a gay person is actually a hate crime against heterosexual voters from Idaho (there are some). So, to discourage further pre-Exodus activity within our congress, The Grimary Gource urges any and all persons with the means to commit what will soon be called a hate "crime" against the disgraced Senator. Hurry, though, because time is running out. This bill may reach the President's desk (to be Justly Vetoed) within months.

Black Enough - Why Would Anyone Ask That Question?

Once again, the liberal ("mainstream") media has been doing a shoddy job at reporting this presidential campaign season (if only baseball season lasted as long!), and it is up to the Grimary Gource to pick up the pieces. For a few months now, the question that is being asked of and to Barack Saddam Obama is: "Is (are) he (you) 'black enough?'" Answers to this question run the gamut from "yes" to "no." Occasionally, some ill-spoken "hip-hop fred" will balk at the question, but they are always dismissed as being too maladjusted to really understand the issue here. While this is true, there is a modicum of exactness to their discomfort with the question. Since when have we, as a society, considered levels of blackness to be the standard by which we measure our political leaders? We judge them by other values. The question we should be asking is: Is Obama white enough?
Throughout our nation's political history, the whitest candidate has been the one elected, and with good reason. The 1860 defeat of Geronimo by Abraham Lincoln marked a decisive point in this history. Though Lincoln was certainly not nearly as white as, say, Jefferson "The Decider" Davis, the Democrat's nomination of a non-white Semi-American (some things never change!) left Americans little choice but to elect the whiter of two evils, "The Great He-Mancipator."
Today, this issue is just as significant. Our White Presidents have rarely led us astray, and we owe it to our Founding Fathers (except that ten dollar hack) to continue this proud tradition. Mitthew Romney may be our man. Our white man.

The Death of Karl Rove - How Will We Cope Without Him?

Today marked the unfortunate passing of an era. At 8:45 this morning, after numerous aborted chess games, the Grim Reaper collected his due and carted off Karl Rove, along with his whole family in an apparent collection of some unholy debt. He was 3,000 years old.
Though, by contract, Rove had a solid four years left in his life, his time was cut short by a series of hunting accidents during which Rove was mistaken for a homosexual by hunting companions Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts and Roberts' handyman/pool cleaner Ronald. According to reports, the chess sets were wooden, and Death played the black pieces (Karl Rove reportedly refused to touch the black pieces, even as strategic moves within the game. This, as much as anything else, led to his loss of the game and his life).
Rove is survived by Condoleeza Rice and her simian army.

The End of Harry Potter - Are We Ready?

As many of you have probably heard, there is a purloined copy of the unreleased Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows making the rounds all over the internet. Though The Grimary Gource generally disapproves of anything that encourages children to read (reading to should a tiring activity, joy from which is earned by slogging through Jane Eyre), we also strongly believe that people should know how these things end up, thus ruining the book-reading process for the rest of you. So, without further ado, here is the final page of the final book in the Harry Potter series spoiler alert:

National News - Do We Really Need It?

"We hold these truths to be self-evident..." So begins a historically important document, co-authored by Thomas Jefferson and Uncle Sam. Now, in 2007, it appears that we are beginning to lose most of the values that are explicitly proscribed by our Founding Fathers and we are devolving into centralized monarchy. The problem, of course, is news reporting.

Our nation's Constitution includes an Amendment (one of the original Ten, so you know the Framers meant it) stating that, "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved for the States respectively, or to the people." This Amendment (the ninth if you don't count the third, which The Gource does not) has been consistently applied to explain that our states have supreme power over our federal systems (this is why there was no federal aid to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina -- Louisiana was expected to do most of the work). So why, indeed, should I turn on my local news station and be forced to sit through dozens of minutes discussing national news items?

Here, on CNN's "U.S." Page (Why should I be forced to look at international news? I don't live internationally, I live in America.), there is not a single story about the area where I live. This is positively atrocious behavior on CNN's part. It is time for us to take back our news sources.
We should eliminate any and all national news reporting at once, and replace it with local stories (bake sales OK) that apply to us. If I plan to travel to another place, I can call up someone from there and ask what the news is in that area. Otherwise, why would I need that information?
This "news" is just a misguided attempt to make us state-dwellers consider ourselves Nationals, an idea that is repugnant to myself and all others like me. Where are the Dixiecrats when we need them? Frankly, we would not have all these problems today if the Dixiecrats had won more (or any) elections.

Children - How Can Our Schools Best Prepare Them for a Life Without Sex?

It is currently July (note: if you are reading this via our archives, the previous clause may not be true), which means we are fast coming up on School Season, a too-short period from about September to about June when parents may foist their progeny on the odiously overpaid teaching staff of our nation's hugely ineffective public schools and its all-too-rare Perfect Public Schools, and, of course, the bastions of democratic education and carpentry, Private Institutions of Learning and Education.
The point here, of course, is that with the coming school year is another exciting opportunity to drastically improve our failing schools. A recent survey of high school-age Americans and Latinos found that over 99% of them think that sexual intercourse between a man and a woman is "physically pleasurable," and about 57% of them "intend to do it someday, I hope." These numbers are shocking and disgusting.
The problem with abstinence-only education is that it assumes that schools can change kids' minds about sex. This is ridiculous. The aforementioned study shows how intent children are on having sex. There is a much better way for us to prevent our nation's young from engaging in this lecherous activity: the dissemination of misinformation.
Our schools need to stop suggesting that prophylactics are bad or nonfunctioning. We need to start recommending the use of actual nonworking prophylactics, but suggesting that they work well. The Gource's idea: sheets of paper rolled into cones. Using these as "condoms," we should explain, is the best-feeling and most effective way of engaging is sexual intercourse without any consequences (even emotional ones). When kids try to cover their penes with these ill-fitting (for most) devices, sex will be painful and uncomfortable, and the risk of pregnancy will be much higher than sex with condom use (roughly on-par with withdrawal). The negative experience of intercourse itself, not to mention eventually having a child (one that you will some day have to convince not to have sex) will turn kids away from sex and toward more productive activities, like the military.
You're welcome, schools of America.

Second Opinion: A Guiles Gonoughan Counter-Solution.

I don't mean to undermine my esteemed colleague, as his assessment of America's Sex Problem and his subsequent solution to the problem are both dead-on (as is to be expected from a Gource co-founder), but as the issue at hand is so important to the Nation's health I feel that my commentary on the matter is worthwhile, if not necessary. While the cone-condom solution is useful in its ability to make the act of intercourse one of appropriate shame and pain, it does nothing to help prevent our nation's children from developing an (unhealthy) desire to fornicate.
So, what can be done about this? Christianity, in its infinite wisdom, has been trying for centuries to eliminate the human sex drive, yet has met with limited results. As a result, I feel that something more must be added to the upbringing of America's youth in order to convey to them the evil of intercourse. The missing ingredient? David Lynch films. Don't get me wrong, I would never recommend that anyone watch one of Lynch's' works for recreational purposes, but the intent to educate supersedes the education system's obligation to treat its subjects like human beings (an obligation that I take issue with). Simply put, forcing students in grades 2 through 12 to watch Blue Velvet and Eraserhead once a month during every school year should be enough to anesthetize whatever base desires religion has failed to eliminate. Implementing this plan on a grand scale could prove difficult given the overwhelming lack of Perfect Public Schools, but I recommend that any Right Minded homeschooling parents who happen to be reading this use their children as preliminary test subjects for my solution. That is all.

Will You Be The First in Your Regiment, Congregation, or Country Club to Own Sensible Publications' Very Latest Release?

Well?

In this age of radical change in dissemination, isn't it comforting to know that there is still a reliable arm of the printed word, one as yet un-sullied by the rampant liberalism in the media? That arm is Sensible Publications, proud offshoot of the Grimary Gource, and it exists to bring you, discerning and loyal reader, books that can be unilaterally trusted. The first release explored and ultimately, of course, solved, a complex subject that has compelled right-minded scholars for decades - how to more effectively facilitate the elimination of one of history's great problems. The world trembles at the much-anticipated upcoming appearence of A Life Without Mistakes, the autobiography of Guiles Gonoughan, Leader of the Army of Reason.

Today, Sensible Publications presents its second release -- again written by myself, Gunðer Gastergack, historian and Captain of Infantry in the Army of Reason:

The Forgotten Victims of Jackie Robinson, by Gunðer Gastergack.

The Yankees were forced to sell six-time All-Star Ewell Blackwell to Kansas City to make room for colored player Elston Howard. A heartbroken Blackwell was pushed into retirement and spent the last years of his life in a lunatic asylum.

In a landmark work, Gastergack has explored one of American baseball's most overlooked paradoxes: that the much-ballyhooed integration of the sport resulted in the loss of the jobs of dozens of capable, experienced men who were merely trying to provide for their families. The average sports fan thinks of the so-called heroics of Robinson and Larry Doby, but what is left unsaid is the fact that for every new black player entering the major leagues between 1947 and 1959, another man had to be let go by the club. Here, the stories of these men are told for the first time.
Gastergack introduces us to men like veteran Dodgers infielder Billy Sullivan, who was just trying to play one more year to pay for his son's operation before being cut to make room for Jackie Robinson. Here too is the story of Dutch Leonard, venerable twenty-year veteran, drinking himself to death after being callously released to make way for Ernie Banks.
The book contains not only heartrending stories like these, but also the larger picture. Gastergack compares this situation to the laying off of Americans in favor of overseas labor that plagues our country today. The Forgotten Victims of Jackie Robinson will forever change the way you view baseball's fallen color line.


Available in Hardcover Only. 289 pages, plus 20-page color insert featuring pictures of players and their families who lost their jobs to blacks. Sensible Publications, 2007.