Grimerry Gourcemas

That’s right readers, it’s that special day – the anniversary of the birth of the son of this universe’s most wonderful and vengeful (and only) God. While I’m sure most everyone has opened their presents and enjoyed their disappointment by now, we here at the Gource would like to wish you a happy holiday (Christmas – not that other, harder-to-spell one). And of course we’d be first-class nosebleeds not to offer you, the loyal readers, some kind of gift. However, this being the Internet and our devotees being so numerous we haven’t got anything physical/returnable for you. Instead, allow me to present what great new things you readers of the Gource have to look forward to.

More excerpts from my autobiography, a work that is certain to be one of the upcoming year’s most popular sellers/life-changers. Bear in mind that what is posted here does not reflect the numerous changes that are sure to be made during the publishing process, wherein the printmonkeys will no doubt remedy my “typos” and “grammatical errors,” rendering a work that doesn’t truly reflect my ability to convey Incredible Thought.


With headphone ownership on the rise coupled with the fact that both Guffin and myself have magnificent speaking voices, we have decided to join the audiocasting masses. Note – this is not a “podcast,” a term I take issue with for numerous reasons, the likes of which you can read about in…


That’s right, in addition to knowing how to solve the majority of the world’s problems I’m also well-read enough in the technological realm to solve the sort of problems the computer-using elderly need to dial India to fix. However, this segment will not just be me explaining how to get your computer into and out of Safe Mode (Windows users – hold F8 as your machine boots up, pretentious OSX’ers – hold Shift after powering on), instead it will be a place where I will make known my opinions on the issues and developments in the world of technology. Think Slashdot, but without all the coke-bottle-spectacled, Linux-running swine making Simpsons references in the comments section.

Are you ready for the New Year, soldiers of Reason?

The Salvation Army - Why the Ruckus?

It happened again yesterday. I was walking briskly to one of the area’s many pharmacies in order to purchase something that might take my mind off the aggravation that comes from having to listen to an inordinate number of dumb people complain to me about how they feel about the work the Army of Reason and myself are doing. I was planning on buying a Coke and a bottle of isopropyl alcohol – the former for drinking, the latter for throwing into the eyes of the next person who decides they need to tell me their opinion on anything. Anyway, as I neared the busy square in which the pharmacy is nestled my ears met with a familiar sound: the incessant ringing of a bell, the clatter of which everyone in the immediate area was trying to ignore. The Salvation Fucking Army.
I know, I know, it’s to be expected this time of year. Everyone and their adopted brother (who they’re secretly ashamed of) is in the spirit of giving during this the time God makes his Creation feel most guilty about its prosperity. I’m not going to complain about charity per se, because I’m sure that my reasoned arguments would be wasted on the kind of dullards who throw their money away and see nothing in return for it. But I do take issue when a charitable organization sees fit to launch a pre-emptive aural strike on me.
As far as I can tell the Salvation Army’s concept of how a successful charity works can be summed up in a simple equation: Noise = Money. For anyone who has any kind of respect for the complex and terrifying realm of mathematics this expression is probably painful to look upon, as it is blindingly incorrect. Much like Greenpeace (an organization that believes it is ok to approach and engage me in conversation about issues I do not agree with them on), the Salvation Army has crossed the boundary of appropriate social behavior and has begun actively seeking out the attention of complete strangers. Like all reasonable people I do not enjoy loud, arrhythmic noises, especially those that emanate from a bell in the clutches of an underfed Santa impersonator whose mere existence is an unnecessary drain on society. This is why Target is the best store. Target doesn’t let the Salvation Army stand around in front of their establishments bugging the bejesus out of people who just want to buy things to help ease the pain of living in a world where the Gource isn’t the final authority on matters involving noise pollution.

Christmas Decorations - Don't They Make You Sick Too?

Seriously, what did the lord Jesus Christ do to deserve this kind of tacky-ass treatment? Now before you stop reading and assume that I’m just going to attack the commercialization of Christmas for the next three paragraphs, don’t. I’m not some sort of creepy, middle-aged pastor at a tiny church in America’s beloved heartland – I haven’t got the wardrobe for it – and I don’t mind that the Real God’s birthday has been turned into a furious consumer spectacle. What bothers me is the way that people who lack a real sense of duty to God have decided is an appropriate way to doll up their houses for his birthday.

Listen: just because a snowman can be created using inflatable material does not mean it’s a good idea to buy 4 of them and to station them like corpulent sentries all around your domicile. It may seem remarkable that a nativity scene can be created entirely out of PVC and painted with lifelike precision by machines, but this does not give you license to inflict it upon my eyes every time I pass by your front yard. I didn’t ask for this. God didn’t ask for this. Nobody asked for this. But there it is.
Let me impart some religious education on you, dear readers. Christmas has, despite what some bivouacs might tell you, 3 distinct meanings. They are as follows:

• Family, togetherness, the colors red and green, office parties that everyone laments afterwards. This is the meaning on which God puts the most emphasis.

• Buy everything, and destroy any who impede you in your quest. This is the meaning on which America puts the most emphasis.

• Suicide is a viable option for many, and there’s no better time than now, especially if you put up ugly decorations or knock on my door anytime in December. This is the meaning on which I put the most emphasis.

Keep them in mind, would you? It’s getting colder, and beastly New England is finally recalling that it’s the last month of the year, and that it really ought to be colder at this point than it is. We’re thick with the spirit of things. Hold on though, it’ll be over soon enough.