Hello America, we need to talk. God knows I love you with what small amount of my being is devoted to sentiments and feelings, but these past few days I’ve had some things on my mind. I’ve been thinking about you. About us. So listen.
What is with you lately? I walk your streets, and everywhere I turn it’s shades of pink, boxes with unnecessary curves filled with sweets, chocolate hearts in the shape of teddy bears, teddy bears in the shape cocoa beans, and so on. It’s Valentine’s Day, and yes, I do have a problem with that.
“Here we go,” you might be thinking, “another senseless tirade against a cute holiday from the bile-filled chest of an embittered and disfigured man.” Wrong. I am not embittered, my face and figure are flawless, and my heart is full of love for my God and hate for you, the kind of person who jumps to wildly incorrect conclusions about what I’m actually writing about. These emotions slosh around inside me like sweet cream and tar, never mixing but always fuming. What is this obsession with true love and sappy sentiment that those with poor taste and limited coordination of this country seem to have? It’s pervasive, it’s guided by something that isn’t Logic, and it’s costing this country in more ways than one.
The most obvious threat Valentine’s Day poses is one to the collective health of this nation. All this chocolate and refined sugar are doing major damage to the physical and mental health of people who are most likely already cognitively challenged, because if you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day it’s a safe bet that you’re also probably stupid. And what do you get when you combine a stupid person with unhealthy eating habits? That’s right, A-Student Soldiers of Reason: you get a fat stupid person. Do you know how I feel about people like this? Of course you do. Don’t be one.
There is a more sinister and less apparent detriment to America caused by Valentines Day: it makes America soft, and I’m not talking about paunchy middles. All this emphasis being put on love, romance, caring, and stuffed animals is downright despicable. America is supposed to be a nation of John McClanes, John Rambos, and Terminators (sent to the past to protect the likes of John Connor). Instead we’ve got hopeless romantics running around and ruining the place, turning the country into a bunch of John Hughes fans. This has got to stop, and the change has to start with Valentine’s Day.
Listen up America: as far as the Grimary Gource is concerned Valentine’s Day no longer exists. From now on February 14th will be known as Vengeance Day, a holiday that celebrates the heartless destruction of those who have done us wrong. Put down that diamond necklace and pick up some bike chain. Take off those pink slippers and don some steel-toed boots. Buy a firearm. Get out there and let them know how you feel. Happy Vengeance Day.
“Here we go,” you might be thinking, “another senseless tirade against a cute holiday from the bile-filled chest of an embittered and disfigured man.” Wrong. I am not embittered, my face and figure are flawless, and my heart is full of love for my God and hate for you, the kind of person who jumps to wildly incorrect conclusions about what I’m actually writing about. These emotions slosh around inside me like sweet cream and tar, never mixing but always fuming. What is this obsession with true love and sappy sentiment that those with poor taste and limited coordination of this country seem to have? It’s pervasive, it’s guided by something that isn’t Logic, and it’s costing this country in more ways than one.
The most obvious threat Valentine’s Day poses is one to the collective health of this nation. All this chocolate and refined sugar are doing major damage to the physical and mental health of people who are most likely already cognitively challenged, because if you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day it’s a safe bet that you’re also probably stupid. And what do you get when you combine a stupid person with unhealthy eating habits? That’s right, A-Student Soldiers of Reason: you get a fat stupid person. Do you know how I feel about people like this? Of course you do. Don’t be one.
There is a more sinister and less apparent detriment to America caused by Valentines Day: it makes America soft, and I’m not talking about paunchy middles. All this emphasis being put on love, romance, caring, and stuffed animals is downright despicable. America is supposed to be a nation of John McClanes, John Rambos, and Terminators (sent to the past to protect the likes of John Connor). Instead we’ve got hopeless romantics running around and ruining the place, turning the country into a bunch of John Hughes fans. This has got to stop, and the change has to start with Valentine’s Day.
Listen up America: as far as the Grimary Gource is concerned Valentine’s Day no longer exists. From now on February 14th will be known as Vengeance Day, a holiday that celebrates the heartless destruction of those who have done us wrong. Put down that diamond necklace and pick up some bike chain. Take off those pink slippers and don some steel-toed boots. Buy a firearm. Get out there and let them know how you feel. Happy Vengeance Day.
