Racist Celebrities - Why are They News?

As you might imagine, a person as efficient as myself can often wind up with a fair amount of free time. I realize that such a luxury is rare for many, and will be quick to reassure you that I do not waste these unfilled hours with trivial pursuits like table tennis or miniature golf (would to God that I could though, there are no miniature links nearby).
However, on occasion I do find myself hemorrhaging my idle time clicking passively through the regions of the internet that claim to give me the “real” news stories about “things” I “care about.” How wrong these sites are.
Lately (as in last month) all anybody wanted to talk about was the racist tirade spouted off by once-kind-of-famous tall person/actor Michael Richards. Before that it was “oh what’s to be done about Mel Gibson the drunken anti-Semite?” Now the world’s all up in arms because America’s favorite talking manatee made a remark about how news of America’s favorite drunken gnome’s appearance on this country’s dumbest TV show was reaching far and wide to the vast reaches of the Orient. So what, America?
Here’s the thing about racism: it’s been a staple of Hollywood for about as long as we kicked the red-man out of Los Angeles. The Indians had founded the city, which they called Shakemtown, as a holy land because something bad always wound up happening there. White settlers eventually moved in, killed the Indians, set up boulevards, and renamed the place. Did anybody go crazy and write to YouTube when this happened? No. So why all the fuss now? Sure, it isn’t popular to hold racist attitudes, but why are actors’ opinions on anything even relevant? I thought it was common knowledge that 93% of all actors are dumber than the average Australian, and therefore not worth listening to unless someone else wrote the words they are speaking, and the whole affair is taking place in front of the kind of camera that requires 3 years to learn how to operate.
Maybe it’s time America stopped paying so much attention to what actors – especially unattractive actors – have to say about various societal and political issues facing the world in this High-Definition age. Maybe it’s time America started paying a little more attention to the Grimary Gource.

Gourcegiving Grouses Part 2: The Meal - Does it Ever Go Right?

Probably not. I have to admit that I have little to no personal experience with Thanksgiving dinner, since the Gonoughan clan is a sensible one, and we tend not to buy into ridiculous pageantry and foolish gluttony. As for my single self, well I’m just not a proponent of meals in any form. However, according to most of the people who’re fortunate enough to know me, Thanksgiving dinner is a very special occasion for a lot of families. This confuses me though, since it seems hard to believe that an annual disaster can hold such a special place in the hearts of the masses.
“An annual disaster? What are you talking about, Guiles?” Dear reader, I’m talking about Thanksgiving. Oh, I know, I’m sure your family’s celebration is always just as Norman Rockwell as can be, but the truth of the matter is this is not the case for the majority of the world. Don’t believe me? Try watching a sitcom for once in your life. Never (and I mean rarely) do these Thanksgiving dinners go off without one to twelve hitches, usually within the space of 22 minutes. Sometimes it’s just a small snag, like the dog dies because the mom fed the dog turkey giblets (all dogs are allergic to giblets). Other times the problems faced on Thanksgiving are greater, like when a boy has to talk to one of his insane aunts, and she is just so terrible to look at. He has to be polite though, because alcoholism isn’t something you’re allowed to get angry with someone over. Which is bullshit. These are the sorts of things that can only happen when everyone from a family is foolish enough to congregate under one roof.
And why turkey? This is a bird that nature has done its best to convince us not eat. It’s flightless, making it not fun to catch and slaughter, it’s brown (nature’s most boring color), and it’s hideous. What more do you people need? Maybe a stone tablet signed by God himself reading, “seriously, stop eating turkeys” would do it. But no, the unwashed opt instead to jam stuffing into the cavity the bird’s innards once occupied. That is seriously gross America.
Finally, I take issue with the giving thanks aspect of Thanksgiving. Thanking someone is admitting appreciation, and if someone knows you appreciate them then they’re bound to stop trying so hard to earn your approval. Is Thanksgiving just one gigantic scheme to get everyone in America to take each other for granted? Probably. The subversive nature of this damnable holiday makes me sick, the kind of sick that has to go sit in front of a TV for four to six hours instead of trying desperately to warn the world at a large about the danger sitting around interacting with their families poses. You’re on your own come next year.

High Fructose Corn Syrup - Don't We Need More?

Simply put: yes. This country, and to a lesser extent, this hemisphere, need more high fructose corn syrup. If you’re retarded I’ll answer the question that’s probably meandering through your molasses-thick thought process: high fructose corn syrup is mana from heaven, sweet ambrosia that the gods of food engineering saw fit to give mankind. I’ll tell you how I came to the conclusion that HFCS is the greatest nonlethal invention of this earth, it is a story full of sorrow and joy, memories and exploding futures. It’s also pretty brief.
It all started when I was thirsty. Despite my ongoing attempts to stamp out humanities four main drives (hunger, thirst, lust, growing facial hair) I still occasionally succumb to these reprehensible states. And what, in my thirst, a time of great need and terror, was the only available drink? A Snapple peach iced tea. Now, anybody who gives any mind to the Gource (and God knows you should) knows that I hate tea. But here is what I found as I consumed the Snapple: it was wholly tolerable. Why was this? Because the drink is chock full of HFCS goodness.
Time for some extrapolation. If high fructose corn syrup can make a bad thing tolerable, then it can probably make an already good thing excellent. Take it one step further: a thing that is already excellent can be made divine. Some examples: lobster with HFCS, veal with HFCS, firearms with HFCS bullets, robots powered by HFCS, etc.
I know what a lot of people are probably thinking: “wow Guiles, these ideas are so, so good.” Thank you. Now, I also know what an insignificant few of you are thinking: “won’t putting more HFCS in everything exacerbate America’s growing obesity problem, and won’t incidences of diabetes continue to rise?”
Simply put: no. America doesn’t have an obesity problem; America has a fat children problem. Kids these days are fatter than kids of the past, and they keep growing up into fat teenagers and fat adults. Occasionally these fat adults reproduce, like whales, resulting in thousands of sticky eggs full of fat children that somehow find their way to the ceilings and doors of fast food restaurants across this great nation. The cycle is both terrifying and hideous. As far as diabetes is concerned, I’m all for it making a serious comeback. This might seem confusing to you, but I’ve got my reasons, some of which might involve a desire to see Wilford Brimley back in the spotlight, where he belongs.

Hey, Stupid - Do You Want a T-Shirt?

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If you want to buy one, send an e-mail to gource.gurchases@gmail.com, and maybe we'll consider it. Specify size and sex. T-shirts cost $20, and if you want us to put your ugly mug on the front, that'll be another $5. Order today and receive the t-shirt you ordered.