Rational Medical Advice #1

That’s right readers, I’m introducing a brand new column to the Gource. It seems to me that today more than ever people are uncertain about how to correctly take care of themselves, medically speaking. Sure, you can open just about any magazine in the check-out aisle of a poor-people’s grocery store and find articles from “doctors” and "babysitters" telling you how to prolong your inevitable transformation into a corpse, but I plan on offering you something more: I’m willing to actually address your health, and to offer you strategies for living your life that will maximize every aspect of your being, down to a cellular level.

Sleep – Do Humans Really Need It?

Last night most of you did something I didn’t: you got into bed, closed your eyes, and amid thoughts of God-knows-what, drifted off to sleep. You probably persisted in this demonstration of acedia for at least six hours, probably more. Let me ask you one question: What did you accomplish with those unconscious hours? Unless you consider applying a glaze of saliva to a very small section of your pillow and dreaming about being relentlessly chased by God’s bloodthirsty angels of love accomplishments I’d wager the answer to my question is Nothing At All.
Compare your night to mine: I read the better portion of a book, wrote a couple personal letters of venom to people Who Know What They Did, balanced my checkbook, thought fondly of a few, and cleaned the nibs of numerous fountain pens. I also realized how unnecessary sleep is, and designed the banner for this new column. You let your brain paralyze you so you wouldn’t get up in the middle of the night and run headlong into a desk.
If you ask a medical professional why it is that the human body seems to crave sleep, he’ll tell you it’s because sleep offers you a chance to heal, solidify memory, and rest after a day of work. Guess what this snake-oil salesman of a professional will forget to mention: you can heal, remember things, and rest without falling asleep. Right now I’m sitting down – a position in which the entirety of my lower body gets to rest. What’s more, I can remember what happened yesterday just fine, better even than if I’d slept this past night. I can’t address the importance of sleep for healing purposes, as I am not the kind of dolt who manages to get infected with ailments, nor am I the type of clumsy fool who injures himself during everyday activities.
Short advice: stop sleeping. You don’t need it. You do, however, need to get more done with your life if you ever want to be considered a healthy person. You probably need a haircut, and there’s a good chance there’s a drug you ought to be taking that you haven’t had prescribed to you yet. These are issues to be addressed at a later time though. For now, I’m off to anywhere that isn’t bed.

Science and Religion - Isn't it Time they Reconciled?

Now, this should come as no surprise to loyal readers, but I myself am an extremely reasonable man. I grew up in a house where the laws of God and the laws of physics were both followed to the letter. As a result of this sensible upbringing I have matured into the kind of person petty men resent, courageous men respect, and all virtuous women love. Obviously folks like myself are harder to come by than you might expect, especially in portions of the country that put too much or too little emphasis on the two most powerful forces in the universe: God and science.
The fact that God (the Christian one, of course) is magnificently powerful shouldn’t be news to anyone whose postmortem plans involve an extremely nice Kingdom in which to spend eternity. However there are many people – especially on the coasts of this country – who were not brought up with sufficient doses of vitamin G during their formative years. These are people who can frequently be found shouting at government buildings, wearing inappropriate clothes and failing to keep their front yards in good order. However, most were educated in schools that did a decent job of teaching science.
There is another end to this spectrum of unreasonable people – those with plenty of love for the Lord in the many chambers and foyers of their hearts, but without proper knowledge of how the universe fits together on a sub-meta-physical level. These people can often be found in southern states, far-western landlocked states, and states whose names rhyme with “Oh my, no.” It’s fairly obvious that a healthy fear of the invisibly omniscient is extremely important in the making of a Good Person, more important than being able to explain a catalytic converter, but the ability to apply the scientific method to everything that isn’t the Creator of the Universe is still indispensable. This brings me to the conclusion you probably predicted I’d come to had you read the opening question title of this article: Science and Religion (Christianity) need to be a major part of a person’s brain in order for that person to be as terrific as myself. In order to form a more perfect union I suggest that these two great tastes become mandatory in every form of education available to our nation’s youth, from public schools to billboards on lonely interstates. Private schools won’t be required to teach balanced educations, however, as most of their students wind up being the kind of people who are impossible to deal with people no matter what measures are taken. So come on America, improve your mind, improve your soul, download this .pdf, print tons of copies and hang them up everywhere. If people see this flyer hanging in a property that is yours, they will recognize you as one of the rational, religious elite.