Wake up, America's University and College students. It is increasingly clear that you have been wasting years of your life on a degree that is ultimately meaningless. According to the National Institute of Research for the Family, people with college degrees are eight times as likely to be murdered in their sleep by people without college degrees than are people without college degrees likely to be murdered in their sleep by family members, either by blood or by marriage. The numbers are chilling.
As many of you probably noticed, Presidential brother and champion sack-racer Jeb Bush was recently denied an honorary degree by the University of Florida (most popular major: obstetrics). As far as The Gource is concerned, this is excellent news for all concerned.
The "honorary degree" movement that has been sweeping the nation in the past few months is further devaluing the power of actually having a degree from an accredited Place of Learning. Why graduate Gufts if I can just wait until I am widely recognized for my Many Merits and thus granted an honorary degree? Furthermore, this may affect the murder rate in unforeseen ways. If anyone can get a college degree, it may be harder to tell who is likely to be murdered by whom, and then how will we know what crimes to preemptively stop? Frankly, the whole this is madness.
If you are prepared to lower your risk of death, The Gource recommends you drop out of any college program in which you may be enrolled. Also, write to your Senator and tell them how you feel about honorary degrees. Here is a template to fill out:
Dear Mr. (name of Senator),
It is high time that it be made illegal for colleges and universities to (give honorary degrees). These "degrees" destroy our ability to effectively combat crime, which puts an unr
easonable burden on our law-enforcement officers, who are still learning to shoot. I am a (your job), and I not only vote, but I also (something civic you do; e.g., kill muggers, rewrite Japanese history books). Unless you make this an official law, you can count on my (organization you belong to; e.g., union, fight club) voting for whoever runs against you. Sucka.
Angrily,
(your name), reader of The Grimary Gource
As many of you probably noticed, Presidential brother and champion sack-racer Jeb Bush was recently denied an honorary degree by the University of Florida (most popular major: obstetrics). As far as The Gource is concerned, this is excellent news for all concerned.
The "honorary degree" movement that has been sweeping the nation in the past few months is further devaluing the power of actually having a degree from an accredited Place of Learning. Why graduate Gufts if I can just wait until I am widely recognized for my Many Merits and thus granted an honorary degree? Furthermore, this may affect the murder rate in unforeseen ways. If anyone can get a college degree, it may be harder to tell who is likely to be murdered by whom, and then how will we know what crimes to preemptively stop? Frankly, the whole this is madness.
If you are prepared to lower your risk of death, The Gource recommends you drop out of any college program in which you may be enrolled. Also, write to your Senator and tell them how you feel about honorary degrees. Here is a template to fill out:
Dear Mr. (name of Senator),
It is high time that it be made illegal for colleges and universities to (give honorary degrees). These "degrees" destroy our ability to effectively combat crime, which puts an unr
easonable burden on our law-enforcement officers, who are still learning to shoot. I am a (your job), and I not only vote, but I also (something civic you do; e.g., kill muggers, rewrite Japanese history books). Unless you make this an official law, you can count on my (organization you belong to; e.g., union, fight club) voting for whoever runs against you. Sucka.Angrily,
(your name), reader of The Grimary Gource
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