American Christians - Can't They Do Something Right?

Yes, we've been stagnant lately. No, we don't care enough about you to make it happen more frequently. Get over it. If you want more updates in this blog, go ahead and write them yourself.

Unfortunately, recent events have caught our attention and made posting in this web publication necessary. Those who pay any attention at all to Important News are well aware of the War on Christmas. It has been a long, drawn-out war in which some people (read: The Jews) are trying to replace the friendliest greeting of the year, "Merry Christmas," with a weaker, more offensive substitute, "Go Die." It should be apparent to everyone with at least half a brain that these do not mean the same thing. Trying to replace our national tradition of wishing people a Merry Christmas when they buy our products is like trying to replace Uncle Sam with Tevye the Dairyman.
Recently, this crisis reached a head, as a small-minded Jew on the New York City subway responded to seasonal greetings of "Merry Christmas" with his own twisted "Happy Channukkah." The right-minded Christians, tired of the oppressive, Jewish atmosphere in Jew York City, attacked him. Luckily, they outnumbered him and his Jew-friends ten-to-three.
Problem solved, right? Historically, every time Jews have been outnumbered they've been beaten into submission. Unfortunately, this was not the case. First of all, it is certainly possible that these Christians were not devout enough. One of them said, "Oh, Hanukkah. That's the day that the Jews killed Jesus." This is incorrect. Good Friday is the day that the Jews killed Jesus. Know Your Facts.
Next, a Muslim man, a "student," intervened and held off many of the Christians until the Jew who made the inflammatory comment stopped the train. There is no further evidence necessary of the Jews' stranglehold on the New York underground. Nor of Muslims' brute force, the sort of thing that it can take years of our military's time to effectively combat. The police are charging the ten Christians, and they may even be charged with a hate crime.
Come on, American Jewry. Isn't enough enough? Can't you give up our nations subways, if only for the Christmas season? Please, we're trying to be civil: Stop this nonsense or we'll beat you up. If all you've got is Muslims on your side, you know everybody else hates you.

Day Two of Islamofascismawarenessweek - What Will You Do?

Honestly, the Grimary Gource is a little disappointed. We are aware of our status as trailblazers and visionaries, and we are even used to being imitated occasionally. But really, don't our imitators understand when enough is enough? Yesterday, we made it clear that we would be providing up-to-the-minute coverage of Islamofascistawarenessweek. This, needless to say, was all some publications needed to start their own "coverage" of this event. The Gource would have been less disappointed if these "publications" had even a modicum of respect for the subject about which they're writing.
Here they discuss the plight of Christians in Muslim countries. At this point, one of their "writers" might be thinking, "How come The Grimary Gource is not discussing the way that Christians are victimized, every day, the world over?"
The answer should be obvious. Christians do not need any help from The Gource (or any paper substitutes). Christians are the only people in the whole world who possess the strength of heart, the courage of perseverance, to weather the coming Muslim storm. Suggesting that they need our help means that we do not trust them enough to visit upon the Muslim people their full wrath, as they have done so many times before. Nice try.

Islamofascismawarenessweek Kickoff Events!

As all right-thinking persons know, this week is Islamofascismawarenessweek, a week devoted to showing the dangers of radical Islam, a problem currently ignored by almost everyone in the United States (and all other White Places on Earth). In brief, the point of Islamofascismawarenessweek is to increase awareness of Islamofascism, a brand of Islam that encompasses all Muslims, the world over. It is high time that someone discussed, for example, the lack of rights given to women in Islamofascistcountries, and American conservatives are the ones to do it.
To get the week started off right, The Gource recommends asking a Muslim person (any one will do) to justify the astonishingly intolerant and inhuman behavior, of, for example, the practice of slavery in the Muslim world as recent as 1878. If they try to deny involvement, you know they are a terrorist.

The 2008 General Election - Must We Cover It?

Well, enough is enough. For months now The Gource has been bombarded by maladroit missives from morons demanding that we cover This Current Election. Frankly, The Gource does not need the advice of our readers -- if you were smarter, you would be providing content to this Glog. The time has come, however, to begin such coverage, and The Gource is not interested in hearing whether or not you agree.
A fine place to start this coverage would likely be last night's Republican debate, which careful political observers will remembers was Lolcats Themed. What made this unfortunate was the recent recusal of Sam Brownback from this election, seeing as his entire campaign thus far has been lolcats-based.
The other candidates fared just fine without him, although his absence was certainly notable, especially when a question of foreign policy devolved into an all-out shouting match between Giuliani and Thompson, with Giuliani's "im in ur country -- defending ur borders" met in turn with Thompson's "i can has presidency?"
The real surprise of the evening came from Mike Huckabee, who compared legalized abortion to the Holocaust. As Huckabee laboriously explained, "the germins koodnt giv joos the life they deserv, so, like a pregnint mother, abortid them."
Mitthew Romney seemed confident through all of this, though, knowing that polls had placed him in front of all other Republican candidates. His one contribution was during a question about moral legislation, during which Romney quietly noted "im with crist."
As further debates occur, expect The Gource to cover them. Come here for your best information on who will win this election.

Iraq - Do They Even Know Who They Are?

You'd have to be an idiot to be able to go a week without hearing members of the hoi polloi whining about Blackwater. If you are like me, you ignore any reporting of current events not addressed in the Grimary Gource, which means you have no idea what Blackwater is and think it might be some anti-industrial pollution-themed propaganda. Wrong, but I like your attitude.
Blackwater is actually a private militaristic organization that we, The United States, placed in Iraq. As the Gource has mentioned before, the U.S. has foolishly built up its military from the unwashed and stupid, creating a force that is scrappy and mentally disabled, ensuring loss at any head-to-head matchup. In its infinite wisdom, our government has hired a group of trained mercenaries to police Iraq, which is swiftly and inexplicably becoming unstable. Needless to say, some liberal crybabies are complaining that the Soldiers of Fortune at Blackwater have been randomly firing into crowds of civilians, killing any non-white person they can see.
Recently, the "Prime Minister" of Iraq has asked the United States to pull Blackwater out of Iraq. The Gource is not interested in debating whether or not Iraqi civilians deserve to be fired on (yes) or whether Blackwater should stay or go (stay). Frankly, the Gource is more concerned by the stupidity apparently rampant in Iraq's leadership.
Few of our readers will be old enough to remember Saddam Hussein, so here's a quick primer: he was a Muslim fanatic who conspired with the Jews to blow up the World Trade Center and attack some of our most valuable fields. We went into Iraq to see if he had any nuclear weaponry, and found that not only did he have SO MANY nuclear weapons, but his own people also hated him. They were too weak to get rid of him, so we sneaked into his castle and shot him through the head.
Here is a message to the people of Iraq: Who the hell do you think you are to try to get a whole paramilitary organization out of your company? You couldn't even handle kicking out a mustachioed fat man. Get serious, Iraq. We'll kick Blackwater out ourselves once we've funded them enough that they take over the country and have policies we dislike.

The Gays - Why Are We Unable to Contain Them?

Recently, the Vatican suspended a priest for being gay and claiming that it's not a sin. Those who are unfamiliar with The Gource may think that this is a rare occurrence of a Thing That Doesn't Frustrate Me. Those people are idiots. Frankly, this suspension may be the beginning of a painful end to a centuries-long tradition that has kept our society stable.
It is well-documented that homosexuals are ill-suited to careers in public office. Furthermore, they cannot be teachers or police officers, and they have absolutely ruined Broadway for the rest of us. Since there have been jobs, gays have been unwelcome to hold them. This is why they have long been relegated to the clergy, where they can discreetly do their disgusting business to other dudes without the rest of us having to think about it, see it, or hear about it, ever.
Then documentaries like Deliver Us From Evil threw a spotlight on the sex lives of those behind the collar, and the public was outraged, and now we have to think about sodomy, which is something the Gource tries to avoid at all times (both the thinking and the doing). The Vatican used to be highly skilled at shuffling its deck of priests so that no deviant would get bored of the same group of children and be thus inclined to go public with their pederasty/homosexuality. Now, out of nowhere, it is letting the public know that one of its priests is gay, and is pretending that this isn't exactly the way this works.
Listen, we're aware that the Catholic Church is under new management, but this sort of disrespect for the way things are done and a complete disregard for the past is becoming the hallmark of this Papal administration. If they don't get their asses in gear out there in Vatican City, they may find people looking to other denominations where gays are more welcome.

Improvement - What's Wrong With That?

Absolutely nothing, of course. But all of a sudden, people are saying that it is "bigoted" to suggest that a group of people improve themselves. If this is the America in which we're living, this is an America that could stand some perfecting itself.
Specifically, we are referring to the comments made by a well-respected political pundit. Ann Coulter, long alone as a mouthpiece of Rightness and Justice, has explained that Christians "just want Jews to be perfected." This, for whatever reason, is drawing fire from some high-powered Jews. Frankly, The Grimary Gource feels that Miss Coulter was being far too charitable.
Some people are born privileged, some are not. This is just the facts. Those that fail to be born Christian probably are, in the Gource's estimation, unsalvageable. If science suggests otherwise, the Gource holds firm that these Jews are not worth saving.
Miss Coulter, somehow, has taken a far more charitable tack. She is suggesting, against all evidence, that Jews are reformable. This is patently absurd. The issue we should be taking with Miss Coulter's comments is not that she suggested that Jews are imperfect; it is suggesting that they have the potential to improve. Until such time as the Jews vote, en masse, for a candidate who does not endorse the things that matter most to them (money-grubbing, baby-boiling), we will remain in a world where the Jews can be ignored as a voting bloc (seriously, they're like 2%, tops, of the voting public).

Police Brutality - When is it Appropriate?

College students are known for being some of the most unpleasant, misinformed, unhygienic, and malnourished people in this magnificent country. It should come as no surprise then that they are also some of the most likely to find themselves on the business end of a healthy dose of Police Brutality. What is surprising is the inevitable confused, indignant, and hungover outcry that seeps and stumbles forth from the student population in response to Incidents like the one that occurred earlier this week in Florida. If, for whatever reason, you’ve managed to avoid this news (maybe you’re so loyal a reader as to only receive important news from the Gource) you can watch the incident yourself:



Let’s take a moment to examine the video, and to see what solid facts we can discern, as knowing one’s facts is the first step in making a decision about an issue.

Fact: the student in question is undeniably obnoxious, making outrageous claims relating to the “real” outcome of the 2004 election.
Fact: the student belabors the topic of disenfranchised black voters – a term that, in an ideal world, would be redundant.
Fact: the student speaks much too loudly – the purpose of a microphone is to eliminate the need for witless, inarticulate scum-people to shout their zygotic thoughts, though by their very nature microphones are dangerous in their ability to broadcast these thoughts to large groups of people.
Fact: the student acts in an unreasonable and disruptive manner after being confronted by the police. Freedom of expression is guaranteed under this country’s constitution, and I think it’s important to realize that tasering is a valid form of expression employed by cops to convey sentiments of frustration towards scrotum-faced rabble-rousers. Furthermore I do not want to hear any “if’s,” “and’s,” or “but’s” regarding the extent to which freedom of expression is guaranteed.

Finally, the most important fact: the student is unaware of how magnificently annoying his behavior is, and, as a result, why the police deemed his arrest a just course of action. The startling lack of sentience exhibited by the student leads me to question whether or not the being in question can truly be considered human on a metaphysical level. He might look and sound human(ish), but one of the qualifying factors of being admitted into our supreme species’ ranks is one’s ability to recognize that one exists and can interact with the environment. I’m not going to bore you with a bevy of dull, dry, and damning philosophical evidence capable of sentencing this shouting troublemaker to sub-human status beyond a shadow of a doubt, as any reasonable person has already reached the logical conclusion that the recipient of this Police Brutality is not, in fact, a person.

One might look at this viewpoint and try to argue that as a sub-person the student is not subject to the laws he allegedly broke. Incorrect. You don’t have to be human to disturb the peace – I’ve had numerous neighbors with numerous dogs that proved this fact on a nightly basis. However, I am fairly confident that one can’t reasonably get upset with officers of the law using non-lethal subduing force on any noisy elephant, cussing macaw, or dangerous echidna that happens to wander into a Q&A session with a former presidential candidate. This student is no different. Had animal control been around I’m sure they could have handled the situation with tranquilizers and net-launchers, but they weren’t, so instead of getting outraged at what hippies, coddling mothers, and weaklings would describe as “excessive force” the American people ought to be upset over the excessive restraint police showed by not simply dropping this vocalization-enabled-asshole with a noisy serving of .40 caliber “shut up” Justice.

Sally Field - What Does She Know About Anything?

Nothing. What do I know: That I should really just stop committing time to televised award shows, as my track record with these programs hasn’t been great. However, it’s too late to apply this lesson to the Emmys, since I already watched them. Maybe you’ve heard about the alleged controversy that’s risen out of the ashes of this hateful 8 hour stretch of TV. If not, I’ll briefly fill you in.

Sally Field, a woman best known for being famous over thirty years ago for reasons nobody can recall has a well-documented history of terrible acceptance speeches. Apparently she won an Emmy last night (don’t ask me what for, I was fairly engrossed in designing the handsome new logo you no doubt notice at the top of this page. However, as Sally Field began yammering into the microphone I was at once unable to ignore the Emmys. My inability to ignore her was influenced by two things: the idiocy of her words and the infuriating voice God cursed Sally Field with, a voice she used to say her idiotic words. Please endure the following video of the event:



Now, you no doubt know how I feel about fat people, ugly people, irrational people, precocious women, and liberals. How unfortunate for me (and you, and everyone we know) that Sally Field happens to be all five of these things? I’m almost tempted to be annoyed with the Fox Network for failing to provide viewers with an adequate warning about the presence of this troll. I guess, however, their correct decision to cut her off and censor her egregious use of the Lord’s name makes up for their lack of foresight.

The issue is not that celebrities frequently voice their misled, unfounded, and unreasonable opinions on politics (often in the form of poorly structured sentences and/or music), it’s that they continue to get away with it. I realize that there’s a sliver of a margin of a percentage of people who might, inexplicably, agree with Sally Field on the issue of war, but I also know that there is a strong, vocal, and properly hostile majority willing to speak out in favor of the Act. It’s this group’s failure to retaliate that I’m confused by. Why do soldiers, their mothers, and people capable of thought and violence let these Hollywood elitists speak to us this way as though we were helots? This absolutely will not stand, and so I demand you, dear readers, to punch a celebrity square in their face should you happen upon one on the street.

Hurricanes - Why are They Still an Issue?

As Summer slowly gives way to its more solemn, serious, and respectable follower Autumn, the meteorologists (or weather-diviners for you traditionalists out there) find themselves hard at work taking up precious space and time on television sets across this Country. It’s hurricane season, and the news will Not Shut Up about it.

This in itself is no surprise to me, or anyone with an appropriate knowledge about the Lord and His Plans for the weather’s yearly dance. What’s troubling is the fact that, as a technological society, we have yet to overcome these storms that cost taxpayers, and network news watchers, so much of what they find important. What’s most vexing about the world’s continuing hurricane problem is the fact that it could easily be solved, but pressure from the plywood and evacuation-route sign industries have kept this solution under wraps, in the same way that environmentalists and retards will argue that the fuel industry has fought electric vehicles. Except this time, it’s the truth, and not THC-induced lunacy. Since we here at the Gource (myself especially) are committed to solutions, I will explain how to fix hurricanes for the future, in hopes that this information will be adopted by The Powers That Be in order to keep my television free of unnecessary hurricane coverage.

First, some information about hurricanes: hurricanes are enormous, hulking, water slinging storms that live in the ocean and don’t bother anyone until they stumble into resort-filled third world countries, thus putting rich Americans at risk of getting rained on. Hurricanes are not the world’s smartest weather systems – essentially they head for warm waters whenever possible. Unfortunately for third world islands, the water surrounding their beggar-strewn shores are frequently warmer than the open ocean, thus making them a target for hurricanes. Now, we haven’t got the technology to destroy a hurricane that is already formed, nor can we prevent them from coming into being in the first place. All we can do at the current time is divert them into smaller, poorer, and beach-resort-less islands by heating up the water surrounding said islands with thermonuclear weaponry. With the cooperation of the National Weather Service and the United States Military we could obliterate the hurricane problem as well as the poor island-nation problem and the we-have-too-many-warheads problem all in one fell swoop.

There you have it America, you’re welcome. Again.

P.S.

Before I get two (thousand) emails about how upsetting the use of WMD's on tropical waters would be to the ecosystems of said waters let me remind you, the reader/possible outraged emailer, that fish, hydras, aquatic mammals, and mollusks are among the least remarkable and most endangered species on the planet. Instead of looking at my proposed solution as "environmentally disastrous" try thinking of it as "finishing what we started."

Senate Ethics Violators - Can't We Punish Them More Thoroughly?

Recently, as many of our more alert readers will have noticed, there has been a considerable dip in the rate at which Grimary Gource posts are published. This is because, as per usual, the Gource is designed by and large as a forum for complaint and criticism of the state of the world. Unfortunately (for you, the reader, not for we, the writers), we latched onto a politician whose opinions we can really enjoy, and as a result, our ire has rarely been lower.

In April or so, we semipermanently relocated to Idaho to diligently serve the interests of one Sen. Larry Craig. This was, of course, until recently, when it was reported by some low-grade scandal sheets that the once esteemed "Senasstor" was trying to engage in acts that are illegal outside the home, immoral in or out, and disgusting in theory and practice, with an undercover police officer. He has since resigned, pledging to spend more time with his wife and several mistresses.
This; as far as Guiles, Gade, Gunðer, Gephie, Galley and I are concerned; is not enough. We do not believe in "slap-on-the-wrist" punishments for offenders of crimes against the Lord and Science. The Republican Party is clearly too permissive of sexual deviants.
Over the years, many prominent members of Congress' Republican Party have been outed as homosexuals. They include Jon Hinson (R-MS), Robert Bauman (R-MD), Mark Foley (R-FL), Jim Kolbe (R-AZ), Ed Schrock (R-VA), David Dreier (R-CA), and now Larry Craig (R-ID). Frankly, the ease with which Larry Craig came out disturbs us. With such a history of closeted "homosexuals" voting Against gays and For decency, one would think that the Republican Party would do more to root out these catastrophes before they happen. Clearly, whatever they're trying is not working. It is time to try a new approach.
In 2002, Larry Craig voted against the inclusion of sexual orientation as a criterion for what constitutes a hate crime. Bully for him. Frankly, the idea of a "hate" crime is ridiculous. Many crimes are committed out of love. But he ultimately disappointed. His outing as a gay person is actually a hate crime against heterosexual voters from Idaho (there are some). So, to discourage further pre-Exodus activity within our congress, The Grimary Gource urges any and all persons with the means to commit what will soon be called a hate "crime" against the disgraced Senator. Hurry, though, because time is running out. This bill may reach the President's desk (to be Justly Vetoed) within months.

Black Enough - Why Would Anyone Ask That Question?

Once again, the liberal ("mainstream") media has been doing a shoddy job at reporting this presidential campaign season (if only baseball season lasted as long!), and it is up to the Grimary Gource to pick up the pieces. For a few months now, the question that is being asked of and to Barack Saddam Obama is: "Is (are) he (you) 'black enough?'" Answers to this question run the gamut from "yes" to "no." Occasionally, some ill-spoken "hip-hop fred" will balk at the question, but they are always dismissed as being too maladjusted to really understand the issue here. While this is true, there is a modicum of exactness to their discomfort with the question. Since when have we, as a society, considered levels of blackness to be the standard by which we measure our political leaders? We judge them by other values. The question we should be asking is: Is Obama white enough?
Throughout our nation's political history, the whitest candidate has been the one elected, and with good reason. The 1860 defeat of Geronimo by Abraham Lincoln marked a decisive point in this history. Though Lincoln was certainly not nearly as white as, say, Jefferson "The Decider" Davis, the Democrat's nomination of a non-white Semi-American (some things never change!) left Americans little choice but to elect the whiter of two evils, "The Great He-Mancipator."
Today, this issue is just as significant. Our White Presidents have rarely led us astray, and we owe it to our Founding Fathers (except that ten dollar hack) to continue this proud tradition. Mitthew Romney may be our man. Our white man.

The Death of Karl Rove - How Will We Cope Without Him?

Today marked the unfortunate passing of an era. At 8:45 this morning, after numerous aborted chess games, the Grim Reaper collected his due and carted off Karl Rove, along with his whole family in an apparent collection of some unholy debt. He was 3,000 years old.
Though, by contract, Rove had a solid four years left in his life, his time was cut short by a series of hunting accidents during which Rove was mistaken for a homosexual by hunting companions Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts and Roberts' handyman/pool cleaner Ronald. According to reports, the chess sets were wooden, and Death played the black pieces (Karl Rove reportedly refused to touch the black pieces, even as strategic moves within the game. This, as much as anything else, led to his loss of the game and his life).
Rove is survived by Condoleeza Rice and her simian army.

The End of Harry Potter - Are We Ready?

As many of you have probably heard, there is a purloined copy of the unreleased Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows making the rounds all over the internet. Though The Grimary Gource generally disapproves of anything that encourages children to read (reading to should a tiring activity, joy from which is earned by slogging through Jane Eyre), we also strongly believe that people should know how these things end up, thus ruining the book-reading process for the rest of you. So, without further ado, here is the final page of the final book in the Harry Potter series spoiler alert:

National News - Do We Really Need It?

"We hold these truths to be self-evident..." So begins a historically important document, co-authored by Thomas Jefferson and Uncle Sam. Now, in 2007, it appears that we are beginning to lose most of the values that are explicitly proscribed by our Founding Fathers and we are devolving into centralized monarchy. The problem, of course, is news reporting.

Our nation's Constitution includes an Amendment (one of the original Ten, so you know the Framers meant it) stating that, "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved for the States respectively, or to the people." This Amendment (the ninth if you don't count the third, which The Gource does not) has been consistently applied to explain that our states have supreme power over our federal systems (this is why there was no federal aid to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina -- Louisiana was expected to do most of the work). So why, indeed, should I turn on my local news station and be forced to sit through dozens of minutes discussing national news items?

Here, on CNN's "U.S." Page (Why should I be forced to look at international news? I don't live internationally, I live in America.), there is not a single story about the area where I live. This is positively atrocious behavior on CNN's part. It is time for us to take back our news sources.
We should eliminate any and all national news reporting at once, and replace it with local stories (bake sales OK) that apply to us. If I plan to travel to another place, I can call up someone from there and ask what the news is in that area. Otherwise, why would I need that information?
This "news" is just a misguided attempt to make us state-dwellers consider ourselves Nationals, an idea that is repugnant to myself and all others like me. Where are the Dixiecrats when we need them? Frankly, we would not have all these problems today if the Dixiecrats had won more (or any) elections.

Children - How Can Our Schools Best Prepare Them for a Life Without Sex?

It is currently July (note: if you are reading this via our archives, the previous clause may not be true), which means we are fast coming up on School Season, a too-short period from about September to about June when parents may foist their progeny on the odiously overpaid teaching staff of our nation's hugely ineffective public schools and its all-too-rare Perfect Public Schools, and, of course, the bastions of democratic education and carpentry, Private Institutions of Learning and Education.
The point here, of course, is that with the coming school year is another exciting opportunity to drastically improve our failing schools. A recent survey of high school-age Americans and Latinos found that over 99% of them think that sexual intercourse between a man and a woman is "physically pleasurable," and about 57% of them "intend to do it someday, I hope." These numbers are shocking and disgusting.
The problem with abstinence-only education is that it assumes that schools can change kids' minds about sex. This is ridiculous. The aforementioned study shows how intent children are on having sex. There is a much better way for us to prevent our nation's young from engaging in this lecherous activity: the dissemination of misinformation.
Our schools need to stop suggesting that prophylactics are bad or nonfunctioning. We need to start recommending the use of actual nonworking prophylactics, but suggesting that they work well. The Gource's idea: sheets of paper rolled into cones. Using these as "condoms," we should explain, is the best-feeling and most effective way of engaging is sexual intercourse without any consequences (even emotional ones). When kids try to cover their penes with these ill-fitting (for most) devices, sex will be painful and uncomfortable, and the risk of pregnancy will be much higher than sex with condom use (roughly on-par with withdrawal). The negative experience of intercourse itself, not to mention eventually having a child (one that you will some day have to convince not to have sex) will turn kids away from sex and toward more productive activities, like the military.
You're welcome, schools of America.

Second Opinion: A Guiles Gonoughan Counter-Solution.

I don't mean to undermine my esteemed colleague, as his assessment of America's Sex Problem and his subsequent solution to the problem are both dead-on (as is to be expected from a Gource co-founder), but as the issue at hand is so important to the Nation's health I feel that my commentary on the matter is worthwhile, if not necessary. While the cone-condom solution is useful in its ability to make the act of intercourse one of appropriate shame and pain, it does nothing to help prevent our nation's children from developing an (unhealthy) desire to fornicate.
So, what can be done about this? Christianity, in its infinite wisdom, has been trying for centuries to eliminate the human sex drive, yet has met with limited results. As a result, I feel that something more must be added to the upbringing of America's youth in order to convey to them the evil of intercourse. The missing ingredient? David Lynch films. Don't get me wrong, I would never recommend that anyone watch one of Lynch's' works for recreational purposes, but the intent to educate supersedes the education system's obligation to treat its subjects like human beings (an obligation that I take issue with). Simply put, forcing students in grades 2 through 12 to watch Blue Velvet and Eraserhead once a month during every school year should be enough to anesthetize whatever base desires religion has failed to eliminate. Implementing this plan on a grand scale could prove difficult given the overwhelming lack of Perfect Public Schools, but I recommend that any Right Minded homeschooling parents who happen to be reading this use their children as preliminary test subjects for my solution. That is all.

Will You Be The First in Your Regiment, Congregation, or Country Club to Own Sensible Publications' Very Latest Release?

Well?

In this age of radical change in dissemination, isn't it comforting to know that there is still a reliable arm of the printed word, one as yet un-sullied by the rampant liberalism in the media? That arm is Sensible Publications, proud offshoot of the Grimary Gource, and it exists to bring you, discerning and loyal reader, books that can be unilaterally trusted. The first release explored and ultimately, of course, solved, a complex subject that has compelled right-minded scholars for decades - how to more effectively facilitate the elimination of one of history's great problems. The world trembles at the much-anticipated upcoming appearence of A Life Without Mistakes, the autobiography of Guiles Gonoughan, Leader of the Army of Reason.

Today, Sensible Publications presents its second release -- again written by myself, Gunðer Gastergack, historian and Captain of Infantry in the Army of Reason:

The Forgotten Victims of Jackie Robinson, by Gunðer Gastergack.

The Yankees were forced to sell six-time All-Star Ewell Blackwell to Kansas City to make room for colored player Elston Howard. A heartbroken Blackwell was pushed into retirement and spent the last years of his life in a lunatic asylum.

In a landmark work, Gastergack has explored one of American baseball's most overlooked paradoxes: that the much-ballyhooed integration of the sport resulted in the loss of the jobs of dozens of capable, experienced men who were merely trying to provide for their families. The average sports fan thinks of the so-called heroics of Robinson and Larry Doby, but what is left unsaid is the fact that for every new black player entering the major leagues between 1947 and 1959, another man had to be let go by the club. Here, the stories of these men are told for the first time.
Gastergack introduces us to men like veteran Dodgers infielder Billy Sullivan, who was just trying to play one more year to pay for his son's operation before being cut to make room for Jackie Robinson. Here too is the story of Dutch Leonard, venerable twenty-year veteran, drinking himself to death after being callously released to make way for Ernie Banks.
The book contains not only heartrending stories like these, but also the larger picture. Gastergack compares this situation to the laying off of Americans in favor of overseas labor that plagues our country today. The Forgotten Victims of Jackie Robinson will forever change the way you view baseball's fallen color line.


Available in Hardcover Only. 289 pages, plus 20-page color insert featuring pictures of players and their families who lost their jobs to blacks. Sensible Publications, 2007.

Music Revue: Miles Donovan - Aren't You Tired of Embarrassing Yourself?

Recently, we here at the Grimary Gource have begun receiving free CDs in the mail, perhaps from people making the assumption that we will positively review these albums and then album sales will finally beat out illegal downloads in the music-consumption race. It is important that we make it known here and now that we are not in the positive music review business, and frankly, the insinuation is fairly insulting. We are unhappy with the state of music today (frankly, everything following the cast recording of "Paint Your Wagon" has fallen flat on these Educated Ears).

That being the case, we were wholly unhappy to receive a new recording from Justice Truck Records, "conveys some feelings" by Miles Donovan.





















To quell interest in future Gource reviews, we here present our feelings on this album:
Mr. Donovan, for all his efforts, has manged to produce a solid three-quarters-hour of some of the most difficult listening material since this. It can be assumed that Mr. Donovan left the third grade for employment in a Dickensian workhouse, as his lyrics have the same nonlyrical quality of a taskmaster's commands and, perhaps, the cracking of a whip over some young guttersnipes' heads. Consider this verse from the track (one hesitates to use the word "song") "Corduroy (Oh Boy Oh Boy)"

Putting them on
Taking them off
I'm putting them all on
Like Rachmaninoff

If Mr. Rachaninoff were alive today, I suspect he would have abandoned the piano, for fear of inadvertently influencing the musical non-stylings of Mr. Donovan. As for Mr. Donovan's alacrity at the keyboard, it is matched only by his ignorance of keys, time signatures, and--one may argue--notes. One can only suspect that he has abandoned the traditional white and black keys in an effort to employ some gray keys, and became so distraught at the discovery that none such keys exist, he opted to create them from an unholy amalgamation of the keys we know, all within measures of cruel, inhumanly punishing length.
Should Mr. Donovan choose to extend his career as a perpetrator of keyboard-related crime and various acts of musical vandalism, one must only suggest that he go the direction of similar types and stay beneath our radar, never to pop up in works of culture ever again.

Our grade: Latino

Independence Day - What Are You Doing to Help this Country?

Today is Independence Day. Today is the most important day of the year. What are you getting The Country for its birthday? What? You haven’t already settled on a gift? Here, I’ll help you get this nation what it wants, all you have to do is answer a few questions.

1) Are you Motivated?
2) Are you literate?
3) Do you love the Christian God?
4) Can you use Harsh Rational Thinking to make important decisions?
5) Are you White?

If you answered “yes” to all five questions then you might be eligible for the Army of Reason, the Grimary Gource’s primary vehicle for national and world improvement. On this, my favorite holiday and the most significant day in the history of the world (including the future) I have decided to open the AR to serious applicants. Be warned, admission is highly selective, and rejection can be based on any number of factors, including, but not limited to: your age, weight, sex, gender, religion, race, ethnicity, height, eye color, and reading speed (those who read less than 450wpm need not apply). Once admitted to the AR your life will not be easy – I am not some videogame-playing slob like half the U.S. Military (God bless them), I am serious about efficiency and victory. If inducted to the AR you will have many responsibilities, including being ready to take up arms at any given moment in order to ensure the survival of logic and decency. If the thought of unloading a magazine of rounds into an obese person simply because that person is obese gives you pause don’t even bother trying to get in, seeds of your feeble nature will find no purchase in the rocky, honorable soil of the AR.

Speaking of obesity, members of the AR must be presentable at all times. Members' BMI's must fall within the suggested range stipulated by America's Moral Physicians. Men’s hair must not exceed 2.5 inches, and Foolish forms of facial hair (moustaches, goatees, soul patches, sideburns) will not be tolerated. Full beards are encouraged as they are often equated with wisdom, but if you’re unable to grow such a wise form of facial hair your face must remain clean-shaven – and I mean straight-razor clean, people who use electric razors are cowards and do not belong in the AR. Women’s appearance guidelines are less stringent, however having two X chromosomes makes admittance into the AR more difficult to begin with. I know that it’s 2007 and that Times have Changed for some, but like Newt Gingrich, I remain wary of women in the ranks of any military institution. Women with any kind of facial hair will not even be considered. The AR has a dress code as well, though I have opted not to write it out and decided instead to rely on simple and easy-to-follow guidelines: no garish colors, no double-breasted coats/jackets, no shorts, no skirts, no shirts with nonsensical and infuriating slogans on them. In fact, your first assignment as a foot soldier in the AR will be to inflict grievous bodily harm upon anyone you find wearing an “Ithaca is Gorges” shirt.

I trust that those who belong will do the right thing (always do the right thing), and I expect to see a number of application essays in my inbox by week’s end. Here are a few essay prompts:

1. In what ways have the powerful Jewish lobby conspired to discredit phrenology as a science?
2. Explicate the harmful nature of "rap" music as it compares to, say, playing chess with The Lord.
3. Imagine you are God. Write a press release explaining that you did not make gay people the way they are. Be creative! And divine!

Keep these to under one hundred words. Your time is swiftly running out.

Air Travel - Why Can't People Do It Better?

Recently, this reporter was put in the uncomfortable position of being on an airplane for about twenty nonconsecutive hours. It was a necessary method for transporting myself to one of America's several follies, though in the future one would do better to take a train, or stay only within the areas of our Nation where white people have succeeded in eliminating all previously extant cultures.
During this time I was unfortunately forced to witness the breaking of many unwritten rules of air travel. As part of a long-term dedication the Gource has to enlightening the masses (and widening the A of R), we present here the Grimary Gource's Now Written (Actually, Typed) Rules of Air Travel. We recommend these rules be made mandatory by all major airlines, with United Nations penalties doled out to noncompliant airlines.

1. The space behind your seat does not belong to you. You are in a seat, and everyone around you is in a seat. All these seats are the same size (unless you are a coach class flier, in which case the Gource suggests you return to trolling for vampire porn, and wonders how you arrived at this site). You do not have any rights to airspace surrounding your seat, because that space is occupied. Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Do not lean your seat back. Just being able to do so does not give you the right to do this. If you need to recline to sleep, try not traveling, or possibly booking the whole flight. Stop leaning your seat back and bumping into the knees of people of superior size.
2. Movies shown should all be airplane-related disaster movies, in order to alert travelers to the possibilities of trouble. Snakes on a Plane, Airplane, and Blimp are all acceptable. Wild Hogs, however, is not. Not only does it include miscegenational casting, but it also glorifies motorcycle culture, a culture born of LSD and brake fluid.
3. Eliminate security checkpoints. They take too long to get through, and mingle first- and business-class passengers with coach. Why should we be forced to wait in line with terrorists and garment retailers? If the War on Terror were working, we wouldn't run the risk of terrorism on planes, because all Arabs, Muslims, South Asians, North Africans, biracial, and Hindu people would be outside of our country (possibly in Mexico). Just step up the deportation and let me get on my airplane.
4. Do not bring a baby on an airplane. Put it to sleep, and then make a new one (or not--please) upon return home.

With these tips, the Grimary Gource hopes that air travel will become more convenient for those of us worth it, and less convenient for those who shouldn't be flying anyway. Enough is enough. Unless the situation improves, expect Amtrak to be crowded with members of the A of R, and our money is worth plenty.

Technology Corner #2

Today I'll be addressing a subject I get a lot of questions about, the likes of which I'm tired of answering individually.

High Definition - Why is it Important to Spend Your Money on It?

There are many things America does better than other countries: cars, electronics, healthcare, everything. But there are a few things that America does much better than other countries: television, action movies, and commercial radio. Throughout the history of their existence these three forms of American entertainment were a glorious privilege to enjoy, but within the past twenty years the falling costs of consumer electronics made it possible for just about anyone with a ratty knit-cap and a week’s-worth of food stamps to buy a television or radio and enjoy the cherished media past-times of the wealthy. Fortunately some of the most educated and maladjusted of this country – engineers – have been hard at work coming up with ways to make the media we already love even better and – more importantly – costlier. Enter High Definition.
High Definition (abbreviated HD) is a term that describes a variety of things. Most commonly known is its application to television (HDTV), but DVD’s and radio both have HD improvements available for those with discerning tastes and American Dollars. I won’t bore you with precise technical details, as their relevance to this particular article is limited, but suffice it to say that by adding High Definition to any given form of media its overall quality is vastly improved. Sounds get louder, visuals get more vivid, and those with the assets to invest in the equipment necessary to enjoy these improvements are rewarded for their contributions to the economy and for their successes in the Game of Capitalism.
High Definition Radio is probably the least-known of all the high definition options available to rich consumers. Basically, HD Radio is like the radio that poor people listen to, except its audio fidelity is much higher and you won’t accidentally stumble on any troublesome Spanish-only stations because they don’t exist on HD Radios, and I think we all know why. HD Radio broadcasts are all-digital, and require special HD Radio capable equipment in order to be enjoyed. Personally I’ve never taken the time to listen to HD radio, because I am a purist and will only enjoy music if it’s coming from something that was pressed on 180 gram vinyl, but I’m sure for radio-enthusiasts the Higher Definition is the only way to really enjoy the sounds of the (expensive) airwaves.
DVD’s have also received HD upgrades, but at the moment there is a bit of a catch to the whole affair: two different kinds of High Definition DVD media have emerged: Sony’s Blu-Ray format, and Toshiba’s HD-DVD. Both offer better picture quality and greater capacity for data storage than traditional DVD’s, and both require more expensive equipment in order to be utilized. As to which is better, well, that remains to be seen. Sony, in a valiant attempt to lock the unwashed out of the luxury of HD, decided to include Blu-Ray in their most recent and admirably-priced videogame console, the PS3. However, due to Sony’s decade of dominance in the videogame console market there is a large amount of brand loyalty to be found among the lower-income gamers of this country, a fact that’s soiled the perception that both the educated and the wealthy have of Sony. It’s for this reason that I support HD-DVD, with the added benefit that America’s Best Company also backs this format, ensuring that no ill will come from its adoption.
Finally, there’s High Definition Television. HDTV is, without a doubt, the most important thing to happen to the entertainment industry since movies started to talk. HDTV is like regular TV, but better in every imaginable way. HD replaces the antiquated and mathematically uncomfortable 4:3 aspect ratio of standard definition (SD) television with God’s Intended Widescreen (aspect ratio 16:9) and ups the resolution of the image viewers see by a significant amount.
You might be uncertain as to whether or not the improvements offered by High Definition justify the costs one has to pay in order to enjoy them. Here’s a hint: stop wondering, start buying. If you can’t afford the luxury of enjoying The Shield in glorious 1080p then I don’t want you taking up bandwidth that could be better used by somebody of Means by reading this blog.

The U.S. Military - Who is its Target Demographic?

Recently, the Grimary Gource was attending a screening of the film Ocean's Thirteen (the Gource has attended every movie that's preceded by a trailer for Die Hard Day's Night). While waiting for the telltale sounds of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony (and ninth-best, as far as the Gource is concerned), I was forced to sit through an ad for the U.S. military. Here are some screenshots:



"Like playing video games?"










"Unable to afford college?"















"Join the army, do stuff that's sort of like playing a video game..."








"...We'll pay for college."



















"There's strong, then there's..."












This is, of course, appalling. This sort of mass-marketing is designed to appeal to the ignorant and the underfed. That is not the sort of person we need defending our borders from terrorist Mexicans. What we need is an army made up of brilliant young people who are also extremely strong and aerodynamic. Here I am thinking of an army of Jack Bauers.
Like many other like-minded and strong persons, the writers (and readers) of the Gource avoid contact with simpletons and the poor. The best way to attract the Gource type is to push away those who would be easily influenced by advertising. So, once again, the Grimary Gource has the solution: a mass advertising campaign designed to make the military look unappealing. Here is the premiere of the best possible recruiting poster:

Strength for now, a coffin for later.

Illnesses - Why Do We Tolerate Them?

Once, when I was a youth, I had chicken pox. I was out of school for some time, and missed a great deal of my first-grade education. When I returned, Gax Gravitz, a plucky boy who has since grown up to develop military-themed video games and other wastes of time (why not just join the military and get paid to shoot at things?) was far ahead of me in his schoolwork; I wouldn't catch up to him until the summer between first- and second-grade, when he taught me what negative numbers were (along with parallel parking, this proved to be information that I would never find useful outside of the educational sphere).

The lesson I learned from this experience was that illness is a fairly disastrous thing to experience; I was never sick again. My body also learned to fight off sickness: I spent a great deal of time around people with chicken pox in the years that followed, but my immune system refused to accept any germs (just as The Gource refuses to accept the germ theory).
We should demand the same from all Americans. When I read recently that there was an international panic related to the travels of a man infected with tuberculosis, I could only shake my head in shame. First of all, this man should not have tuberculosis. It is a disgusting, vile disease that infects only the morally questionable and discarded weak.
That notwithstanding, now we have a man who has a disease, and there's nothing that we can really do about that. My initial question was: why are people with diseases allowed to travel? Why do they hold jobs alongside upstanding, TB-free citizens? How did the HIV containment policies of the 80's go awry? The Gource was ready to recommend a series of privately-funded "hospitals," which would operate more like prisons in the sense that nobody would be allowed to leave or come in contact with the outside world.
This thought only lasted for a moment. With the way illegal immigrants are claiming every available unoccupied spot of land for their own welfare receiving needs, we really do not have the space to build these "hospitals." Furthermore, why would Americans want people with diseases (The Gource calls them "sickfaces") in our country at all?
So The Gource is, as always, ready to help out and offer a clean and easy solution. First, our national tourism boards should start heavily advertising foreign travel for sickfaces ("Other Countries Have Free Health Care for Tourists!" [actually, Michael Moore's upcoming travesty should serve this purpose nicely]). Once all the sick people have left the country, we close our borders completely. This will keep out sickfaces, illegal immigrants, and sick illegal immigrants (by far, the lowest type of person that exists on earth). In short, America will once again be the strong, proud, Healthy nation our forefathers created.

Sensible Publishing Announces New Release.

You loyal readers are assuredly in a continued state of mild euphoria as we all await the next prophetic words from the leader of our ever-growing Army of Reason, Guiles Gonoughan, as dispensed as though from God on High through periodic publication of his autobiography, A Life Without Mistakes. What you may not know is that this long-awaited tome, which will soon assume an honored place next to the King James Bible in sensible bookshelves everywhere, is but one upcoming publication for newly-established Gource arm Sensible Publications. It is my pleasure to announce to the assembled Army of Reason, as Moses once did from his mountain-top, that the truth is about to trickle-down from the Almighty through His Agents.

The first upcoming work to be available from Sensible Publications, and to be offered in installments here at the Grimary Gource, is written by myself:

The Efficient Solution: Solving Eichmann and Himmler's Logistical Problems, by Gunðer Gastergack.

Himmler always looked very sensible.

Summary: Scholars have long agreed that Nazi allocation of valuable resources to extermination camps and especially to the railroad transportation of Jews and others diverted the economy and the efforts of troops at the front. Some have even suggested that it was the High Command's extrordinary commitment of time, money and men to solving the Jewish Question that caused the Reich's military defeats. In this ambitious new text, Gastergack takes us into the mechnanics of the Reich and offers new perspectives on how the Nazis could have more efficiently disposed of their unwanted citizens while simultaneously increasing the war effort. Join Gastergack as he lays out the blueprint that should have been taken to ensure a German victory. Available in Hardcover only. 538 pages, Sensible Publications, 2007.

Hemming and Hawing - Why Can't the Dumb of the Earth Just Cut it Out?

Good lord and butter, America – you’re at it again. It seems that as the weather gets warmer and the taxes get filed the outspoken members of this country’s dumber sectors come crawling out of their low-income shanty-communes to voice their complaints about Whatever Is The Recent “Injustice,” shattering the peace and quiet and sanctity of sound itself. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Could be that you’re wondering where I’ve been for the past two months. I’ve been busy as my father is tall, my mother is dutiful, and my God is correct – that’s where I’ve been. I wrote numerous articles for the Journal of American Goodness, but it turned out that the guy financing the whole publication wound up getting called into duty in Afghanistan (I know, I was just as confused as you are), and we haven’t heard from him in a few weeks. I pitched a “Meet the Press” style show to Newscorp, but they refused to agree to my terms (including the one that stipulated that I would be the only person allowed on camera at any time) so I took my offer off the table. I wrote a screenplay about Andrew Jackson, entitled “America’s Hickory Hero: An Action Movie in Six Parts,” and it has since been bought by a studio, the name of which I am not legally allowed to tell you. My autobiography continues to gain chapters as I continue to live a wildly correct and engaging life. My associate G. GacGuffin has also been hard at work on projects of his own, and as a result the logic mill that is the Gource hasn’t been churning out quality thought at the rate you readers have all grown accustomed to. Do not expect an apology – you should know better. Here I am just the same, and that should be enough.

So, what is it that’s managed to pull me away from my important and lucrative duties for long enough to pen another piece of perfect prose? I’ll tell you: the unending and ignorant stream of complaints I’ve been finding in my inbox – both digital and classic – since the Grimary Gource’s inception. Below is but an example of a letter I received today, one that is fairly representative of the dreck I have to wade through on a daily basis:



Click here to view the attached page mentioned in the letter.

I know that anytime great genius is unleashed on a wide audience there is bound to be an indignant outcry from those of lower minds (this is colloquially known as “tardlash”), but this is more absurd than Kierkegaard, and not nearly as eloquent. This kind of idiotic complaining is especially relevant today, as another publication is being railed against by the clinically confused. I’ve got my own issues with the people in question, the most important of which is the fact that they seem unable to say anything without immediately buckling under the foolish weight of their (undeserved) tardlash. These people are not geniuses - on the contrary they are bumbling, inept, and sometimes-illiterate mouth-breathers with only half-decent senses of humor. They’re on the right track, but they’re still too timid to really go for the gusto, to say what needs to be said the way the Gource says it. Their hearts are in the right place, but their brains aren't, and as a result the work they do is infinitely simpler and easier for the roiling sea of flickering lightbulbs to understand, meaning that the misguided public outcry against them is much more substantial than what I have had to deal with. The Gource, with its compound complex sentences, is much more difficult for the masses to interpret, and therefore slug-headed cause-adopters haven’t got the cognitive prowess to be enraged by the words you find here. I might not have sympathy for anything, but part of me feels for those beleaguered and dumb writers who are being hassled endlessly by a whirling mass of unshaven armpits and poorly-fashioned hemp sandals. Nobody comes out on top in conflicts like these, because the Gource is already at the pinnacle.

The Health Risks of Feminism - Why Is This News-worthy?

Recently, a Swedish study reported that women who earn the same amount of money as their husbands are more likely to become disabled, ill, or homosexual. It is not a leap to use this information to mandate that women make less money than men, or not work at all. This would, of course, all be for their own good. The Grimary Gource is unafraid to call Sweden out on this error.

Ever since man learned to use a rectal thermometer, science and medicine have consistently and without bias found that there are inherent risks to women acting too much like men. Hysteria, a nervous condition we have yet to cure today, causes women to go completely mad if they attempt to abstain from healing sexual intercourse with men.
But the Grimary Gource always knew that the health risks were not the main reason why women should abstain from feminism. The real risks are, of course, ethical. There can be no functioning society without very clear and well-established labor and social roles, and women have always been the people who do not work and are, once they come of age, sold to a rich family to improve her family's social standing. That is the way of the world. Who are we to change this?
So no, the Grimary Gource does not care that a new, completely neutral, foreign study has found more reasons why women will likely die or come undone. The Gource already knew that it was a bad idea, and the Gource never worries about health risks. The Gource's grimary concern is always the Best and Most Excellent way to live one's life, regardless of that life's length. And women earning as much as men is no way to live a life.

Honorary Degrees - Who Needs Them?

Wake up, America's University and College students. It is increasingly clear that you have been wasting years of your life on a degree that is ultimately meaningless. According to the National Institute of Research for the Family, people with college degrees are eight times as likely to be murdered in their sleep by people without college degrees than are people without college degrees likely to be murdered in their sleep by family members, either by blood or by marriage. The numbers are chilling.
As many of you probably noticed, Presidential brother and champion sack-racer Jeb Bush was recently denied an honorary degree by the University of Florida (most popular major: obstetrics). As far as The Gource is concerned, this is excellent news for all concerned.
The "honorary degree" movement that has been sweeping the nation in the past few months is further devaluing the power of actually having a degree from an accredited Place of Learning. Why graduate Gufts if I can just wait until I am widely recognized for my Many Merits and thus granted an honorary degree? Furthermore, this may affect the murder rate in unforeseen ways. If anyone can get a college degree, it may be harder to tell who is likely to be murdered by whom, and then how will we know what crimes to preemptively stop? Frankly, the whole this is madness.
If you are prepared to lower your risk of death, The Gource recommends you drop out of any college program in which you may be enrolled. Also, write to your Senator and tell them how you feel about honorary degrees. Here is a template to fill out:

Dear Mr. (name of Senator),
It is high time that it be made illegal for colleges and universities to (give honorary degrees). These "degrees" destroy our ability to effectively combat crime, which puts an unreasonable burden on our law-enforcement officers, who are still learning to shoot. I am a (your job), and I not only vote, but I also (something civic you do; e.g., kill muggers, rewrite Japanese history books). Unless you make this an official law, you can count on my (organization you belong to; e.g., union, fight club) voting for whoever runs against you. Sucka.
Angrily,
(your name), reader of The Grimary Gource

Political Discourse - Why Doesn't It Include More Offensive Slurs?

This article has been slightly edited from its original posting. It now includes the word "kike" in this introduction.

It is so rare that The Grimary Gource finds someone within the political process who speaks out in a way America can be proud of, so it is all too necessary that the Gource give kudos to Republican journalist/homemaker Ann Coulter, who finally outed John Edwards as a homosexual:

She has, of course, come under fire by the Orwellian Democratic Party, members of which are insisting that she be silenced for her "hate speech" (do they mean "straight speech?"). The Grimary Gource thinks that if Miss Coulter is going to quiet down on this all-too-important issue, there is only one option: we must take up her stead and continue what she started.
Not only is John Edwards a faggot, but we have it on good authority that Barack Obama is a skinny faggot bottom. You don't need The Grimary Gource to tell you that Hillary Clinton is a dyke, but did you know that she munches Barbara Boxer's fur pie? Of course, there are traitors within the Republican Party. Former human being Strom Thurmond was a faggot niggerlover--photos have surfaced of him performing oral sex on no other than Huey P. Newton, the very man he was assigned to kill!
We hope this issue will not die, and that Ann Coulter is allowed to continue to speak her mind. If we silence her, we allow T. R. Knight and his kind to operate freely in our society--something that is unacceptable to the common (heterosexual) man.

Rational Medical Advice #1

That’s right readers, I’m introducing a brand new column to the Gource. It seems to me that today more than ever people are uncertain about how to correctly take care of themselves, medically speaking. Sure, you can open just about any magazine in the check-out aisle of a poor-people’s grocery store and find articles from “doctors” and "babysitters" telling you how to prolong your inevitable transformation into a corpse, but I plan on offering you something more: I’m willing to actually address your health, and to offer you strategies for living your life that will maximize every aspect of your being, down to a cellular level.

Sleep – Do Humans Really Need It?

Last night most of you did something I didn’t: you got into bed, closed your eyes, and amid thoughts of God-knows-what, drifted off to sleep. You probably persisted in this demonstration of acedia for at least six hours, probably more. Let me ask you one question: What did you accomplish with those unconscious hours? Unless you consider applying a glaze of saliva to a very small section of your pillow and dreaming about being relentlessly chased by God’s bloodthirsty angels of love accomplishments I’d wager the answer to my question is Nothing At All.
Compare your night to mine: I read the better portion of a book, wrote a couple personal letters of venom to people Who Know What They Did, balanced my checkbook, thought fondly of a few, and cleaned the nibs of numerous fountain pens. I also realized how unnecessary sleep is, and designed the banner for this new column. You let your brain paralyze you so you wouldn’t get up in the middle of the night and run headlong into a desk.
If you ask a medical professional why it is that the human body seems to crave sleep, he’ll tell you it’s because sleep offers you a chance to heal, solidify memory, and rest after a day of work. Guess what this snake-oil salesman of a professional will forget to mention: you can heal, remember things, and rest without falling asleep. Right now I’m sitting down – a position in which the entirety of my lower body gets to rest. What’s more, I can remember what happened yesterday just fine, better even than if I’d slept this past night. I can’t address the importance of sleep for healing purposes, as I am not the kind of dolt who manages to get infected with ailments, nor am I the type of clumsy fool who injures himself during everyday activities.
Short advice: stop sleeping. You don’t need it. You do, however, need to get more done with your life if you ever want to be considered a healthy person. You probably need a haircut, and there’s a good chance there’s a drug you ought to be taking that you haven’t had prescribed to you yet. These are issues to be addressed at a later time though. For now, I’m off to anywhere that isn’t bed.

The Oscars - How Can Anybody Watch Them?

My God, America. How is it that this country can have the best entertainment industry in the world, yet when a ceremony honoring that industry is held it always manages to be one of the most incredibly painful things to watch? It defies logic.

I’m not going to address whether or not I feel the winners deserved their statuettes, since the movie that should have won every award wasn’t nominated for anything. No, what I take issue with is the fact that for whatever reason the Academy Awards always wind up taking about three and a half hours longer than they should. Am I interested in who did a good job of editing? No. Do I give a God damn about any movie that wasn’t made by an American? Lord no. Does a montage of famous people who died in the last year interest me? Yes, but only for its inherent comedic value. The point is this: It’s time for the Oscars to trim the fat, both literally and figuratively.
Here’s a list of all current awards that Americans spend time listening to thank-you speeches for:

* Best Picture
* Best Director
* Best Actor
* Best Actress
* Best Supporting Actor
* Best Supporting Actress
* Best Original Screenplay
* Best Adapted Screenplay
* Best Animated Feature
* Best Art Direction
* Best Cinematography
* Best Costume Design
* Best Documentary Feature
* Best Documentary Short Subject
* Best Film Editing
* Best Foreign Language Film
* Best Makeup
* Best Original Song
* Best Original Score
* Best Animated Short Film
* Best Live Action Short Film
* Best Sound Mixing
* Best Sound Editing
* Best Visual Effects

As you can see, there are too many awards. I'll concede that some of them are actually important, namely the top four. The rest, however, are just filler trash. Best art direction? What is that, giving an award to the guy who hung pictures on a set? No thanks. Best sound mixing? Does anyone care about some guy who sat around adjusting sliders and nobs on a mixing board? Best sound mixing (along with best original song and best original score) can go the hell back to the Grammys where they belong - and good God don't get me started on the Grammys. Animated movies are for children, and therefore should not win Oscars (we really shouldn’t encourage grown-ups to waste time in such a useless medium). As for best foreign language film, I don’t know about you, but I don’t think we can consider a piece of work that isn’t fit for the English language to contain any real sort of artistic merit. Think about it.
Another problem the Academy Awards suffers from is its disgusting presentation of obesity. You really wouldn’t expect a room full of movie stars and other Accomplished Peoples to include so many fatties, but there they are. Most of the heaviness comes from older, more accomplished stars (like the cue-balled Jack Nicholson, or the always bile-riling George Lucas), but this evening’s best actor (Forest Whitaker), as well as last year’s (Philip Seymour Hoffman) could both stand to lose some pounds. What kind of message are we sending to today’s youth if we show them overweight people who’ve somehow managed to make something of themselves? The wrong kind of message, that’s what. The least these actors could do would be to follow the Welles and Brando honored traditions of starting out at a reasonable weight before ballooning into terrifying human/zeppelin hybrids. Honestly.