Thursday, August 21, 2008

Michael Phelps - Can't We Rally Around Him?

Honestly, The Gource tends to be a bit unenthused by the Olympics. For one thing, it pits our athletes against those from other nations, something that should only be done on the battlefield. Also, it often leads to debacles (pictured). But this year, we finally have reason to celebrate: a white person has been performing splendidly against foreigners.
Michael Phelps has been showing the world that there is a good reason to hold the Olympics somewhere other than America: it gives our opponents less distance to go when they run home crying.
Frankly, it has been a difficult year for the Olympics. Americans stateside have had to endure the whining of pan-Asians (probably) about the alleged missteps China has taken in its treatment of Tibet (Still? Really? What year is it that we're still discussing this?) and its involvement in the War for The Hearts and Minds of the Sudanese and Also Most of Their Limbs. While the Gource absolutely does not support what China is doing (ever), neither does it support waiting over ten minutes at an important intersection because people have an enormous complaining banner.
And so the Gource anticipated a disappointing Olympics, the sort where people from other countries beat people from our own (American) one. Luckily, that did not happen.
Meet the white man who is beating everyone:
Something to think about whenever anyone suggests that white people aren't superior.

Friday, February 29, 2008

The Holocaust - Can it be Proven?

Recently, the Belgian author of a Holocaust-related memoir admitted that she made the whole thing up. This raises a very important question: Is there any non-fictionalized evidence that the Holocaust actually happened?
It has been a long time since this has been timely, but there are two important Holocaust questioners to know about. One of them famously discussed his skepticism at a well-known United States University, and was largely reviled by so-called "historians" and "Jews."
The other just died. In his absence, maybe it is time to re-raise the question: Did the thing happen? Or is it a myth? Or did it happen to, like, a couple guys, and then got blown out of proportion?
Remembering the Holocaust, one will turn to historical documents such as Schindler's List, Life is Beautiful, Sophie's Choice, and Jakob the Liar. These movies all have something in common: they benefit directly from the public believing in the Holocaust. If it had never happened, nobody would see these awful, boring movies (and it's spelled J-A-C-O-B, thank you very much). It would seem that there is no substantial non-fiction non-movie on the subject.
The issue is not yet resolved.
The Gource has long viewed itself a reconciliatory publication (except when we are purposely trying to divide people against each other). Here we discuss the way to completely submit to both science and religion, without ignoring either. It is not necessary for everything true to be proven. Case in point: God. And Reaganomics. So, maybe there is not extant evidence that the Holocaust really occurred, but we at The Gource have faith that it did.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

America's Incarcerated - Can't We Do Better?

Wise up, America. According to a recent article in the Jew York Times, over 1% of American adults are in jail or prison. This is the highest the proportion has ever been. Frankly, this sort of item is the kind of wake-up call we need: Time to put more people in prison. The Grimary Gource will not be satisfied until only 1% of American are free.
Reader, think about yourself, and then think about 99 other people, preferably liberals. How many of those people deserve to be walking the streets, panhandling for "green" organizations and voting to close American businesses? If you're thinking clearly, the answer should be "one:" you.
But how to best accomplish this feat? Luckily, you are reading the only website that can answer that question. First, we need to step up the penalties for drug-related offenses, especially marijuana ones. Offer monetary bonuses to any police officer who arrests someone for suspected use or possession of this dangerous drug, and make the minimum prison sentence for such a crime Thirty Years. Also, start enforcing sodomy laws (I'm certain the Supreme Court is ready to overturn its previous anti-Texan ruling).
Next, abolish the death penalty. Now, I'm aware that this is a controversial statement to make, especially when the death penalty has so far successfully managed to deter crime such that the nationwide murder rate has been dropping steadily since the United States was founded (98% of the population was murdered in the year 1777 -- know your facts). However, what if we commuted all death sentences, allowing the swelling prison populations to serve as grim reminders to the free population that they, at any time, could be asked to share a cell with one of these men (we will find a way to get rid of women too, unless they start pulling their weight, crime-wise [actually, overturning Roe v. Wade and prosecuting babymurdering would be a great start]).
But what will become of our economy? I hear alarmists and human rights craptivists ask. Come on, don't be dense. If we continue to use our prison population for cheap labor (we needn't legally pay them minimum wage-- don't tell me this isn't a Great Nation), we can continue to have a working economy, one with almost universal slave labor. This can actually only help our economy by making the rich (readers of This Publication) richer.
So get on board, readership. Write to your Congressman or Presidential campaigner of choice (like you really have one) and tell them to make this issue a cornerstone of their campaign and term in office. A check would also help. You can also send the check to the Gource, and we will mail it along for you.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

American Christians - Can't They Do Something Right?

Yes, we've been stagnant lately. No, we don't care enough about you to make it happen more frequently. Get over it. If you want more updates in this blog, go ahead and write them yourself.

Unfortunately, recent events have caught our attention and made posting in this web publication necessary. Those who pay any attention at all to Important News are well aware of the War on Christmas. It has been a long, drawn-out war in which some people (read: The Jews) are trying to replace the friendliest greeting of the year, "Merry Christmas," with a weaker, more offensive substitute, "Go Die." It should be apparent to everyone with at least half a brain that these do not mean the same thing. Trying to replace our national tradition of wishing people a Merry Christmas when they buy our products is like trying to replace Uncle Sam with Tevye the Dairyman.
Recently, this crisis reached a head, as a small-minded Jew on the New York City subway responded to seasonal greetings of "Merry Christmas" with his own twisted "Happy Channukkah." The right-minded Christians, tired of the oppressive, Jewish atmosphere in Jew York City, attacked him. Luckily, they outnumbered him and his Jew-friends ten-to-three.
Problem solved, right? Historically, every time Jews have been outnumbered they've been beaten into submission. Unfortunately, this was not the case. First of all, it is certainly possible that these Christians were not devout enough. One of them said, "Oh, Hanukkah. That's the day that the Jews killed Jesus." This is incorrect. Good Friday is the day that the Jews killed Jesus. Know Your Facts.
Next, a Muslim man, a "student," intervened and held off many of the Christians until the Jew who made the inflammatory comment stopped the train. There is no further evidence necessary of the Jews' stranglehold on the New York underground. Nor of Muslims' brute force, the sort of thing that it can take years of our military's time to effectively combat. The police are charging the ten Christians, and they may even be charged with a hate crime.
Come on, American Jewry. Isn't enough enough? Can't you give up our nations subways, if only for the Christmas season? Please, we're trying to be civil: Stop this nonsense or we'll beat you up. If all you've got is Muslims on your side, you know everybody else hates you.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Day Two of Islamofascismawarenessweek - What Will You Do?

Honestly, the Grimary Gource is a little disappointed. We are aware of our status as trailblazers and visionaries, and we are even used to being imitated occasionally. But really, don't our imitators understand when enough is enough? Yesterday, we made it clear that we would be providing up-to-the-minute coverage of Islamofascistawarenessweek. This, needless to say, was all some publications needed to start their own "coverage" of this event. The Gource would have been less disappointed if these "publications" had even a modicum of respect for the subject about which they're writing.
Here they discuss the plight of Christians in Muslim countries. At this point, one of their "writers" might be thinking, "How come The Grimary Gource is not discussing the way that Christians are victimized, every day, the world over?"
The answer should be obvious. Christians do not need any help from The Gource (or any paper substitutes). Christians are the only people in the whole world who possess the strength of heart, the courage of perseverance, to weather the coming Muslim storm. Suggesting that they need our help means that we do not trust them enough to visit upon the Muslim people their full wrath, as they have done so many times before. Nice try.

Monday, October 22, 2007

Islamofascismawarenessweek Kickoff Events!

As all right-thinking persons know, this week is Islamofascismawarenessweek, a week devoted to showing the dangers of radical Islam, a problem currently ignored by almost everyone in the United States (and all other White Places on Earth). In brief, the point of Islamofascismawarenessweek is to increase awareness of Islamofascism, a brand of Islam that encompasses all Muslims, the world over. It is high time that someone discussed, for example, the lack of rights given to women in Islamofascistcountries, and American conservatives are the ones to do it.
To get the week started off right, The Gource recommends asking a Muslim person (any one will do) to justify the astonishingly intolerant and inhuman behavior, of, for example, the practice of slavery in the Muslim world as recent as 1878. If they try to deny involvement, you know they are a terrorist.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

The 2008 General Election - Must We Cover It?

Well, enough is enough. For months now The Gource has been bombarded by maladroit missives from morons demanding that we cover This Current Election. Frankly, The Gource does not need the advice of our readers -- if you were smarter, you would be providing content to this Glog. The time has come, however, to begin such coverage, and The Gource is not interested in hearing whether or not you agree.
A fine place to start this coverage would likely be last night's Republican debate, which careful political observers will remembers was Lolcats Themed. What made this unfortunate was the recent recusal of Sam Brownback from this election, seeing as his entire campaign thus far has been lolcats-based.
The other candidates fared just fine without him, although his absence was certainly notable, especially when a question of foreign policy devolved into an all-out shouting match between Giuliani and Thompson, with Giuliani's "im in ur country -- defending ur borders" met in turn with Thompson's "i can has presidency?"
The real surprise of the evening came from Mike Huckabee, who compared legalized abortion to the Holocaust. As Huckabee laboriously explained, "the germins koodnt giv joos the life they deserv, so, like a pregnint mother, abortid them."
Mitthew Romney seemed confident through all of this, though, knowing that polls had placed him in front of all other Republican candidates. His one contribution was during a question about moral legislation, during which Romney quietly noted "im with crist."
As further debates occur, expect The Gource to cover them. Come here for your best information on who will win this election.