The End of Harry Potter - Are We Ready?

As many of you have probably heard, there is a purloined copy of the unreleased Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows making the rounds all over the internet. Though The Grimary Gource generally disapproves of anything that encourages children to read (reading to should a tiring activity, joy from which is earned by slogging through Jane Eyre), we also strongly believe that people should know how these things end up, thus ruining the book-reading process for the rest of you. So, without further ado, here is the final page of the final book in the Harry Potter series spoiler alert:

National News - Do We Really Need It?

"We hold these truths to be self-evident..." So begins a historically important document, co-authored by Thomas Jefferson and Uncle Sam. Now, in 2007, it appears that we are beginning to lose most of the values that are explicitly proscribed by our Founding Fathers and we are devolving into centralized monarchy. The problem, of course, is news reporting.

Our nation's Constitution includes an Amendment (one of the original Ten, so you know the Framers meant it) stating that, "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved for the States respectively, or to the people." This Amendment (the ninth if you don't count the third, which The Gource does not) has been consistently applied to explain that our states have supreme power over our federal systems (this is why there was no federal aid to New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina -- Louisiana was expected to do most of the work). So why, indeed, should I turn on my local news station and be forced to sit through dozens of minutes discussing national news items?

Here, on CNN's "U.S." Page (Why should I be forced to look at international news? I don't live internationally, I live in America.), there is not a single story about the area where I live. This is positively atrocious behavior on CNN's part. It is time for us to take back our news sources.
We should eliminate any and all national news reporting at once, and replace it with local stories (bake sales OK) that apply to us. If I plan to travel to another place, I can call up someone from there and ask what the news is in that area. Otherwise, why would I need that information?
This "news" is just a misguided attempt to make us state-dwellers consider ourselves Nationals, an idea that is repugnant to myself and all others like me. Where are the Dixiecrats when we need them? Frankly, we would not have all these problems today if the Dixiecrats had won more (or any) elections.

Children - How Can Our Schools Best Prepare Them for a Life Without Sex?

It is currently July (note: if you are reading this via our archives, the previous clause may not be true), which means we are fast coming up on School Season, a too-short period from about September to about June when parents may foist their progeny on the odiously overpaid teaching staff of our nation's hugely ineffective public schools and its all-too-rare Perfect Public Schools, and, of course, the bastions of democratic education and carpentry, Private Institutions of Learning and Education.
The point here, of course, is that with the coming school year is another exciting opportunity to drastically improve our failing schools. A recent survey of high school-age Americans and Latinos found that over 99% of them think that sexual intercourse between a man and a woman is "physically pleasurable," and about 57% of them "intend to do it someday, I hope." These numbers are shocking and disgusting.
The problem with abstinence-only education is that it assumes that schools can change kids' minds about sex. This is ridiculous. The aforementioned study shows how intent children are on having sex. There is a much better way for us to prevent our nation's young from engaging in this lecherous activity: the dissemination of misinformation.
Our schools need to stop suggesting that prophylactics are bad or nonfunctioning. We need to start recommending the use of actual nonworking prophylactics, but suggesting that they work well. The Gource's idea: sheets of paper rolled into cones. Using these as "condoms," we should explain, is the best-feeling and most effective way of engaging is sexual intercourse without any consequences (even emotional ones). When kids try to cover their penes with these ill-fitting (for most) devices, sex will be painful and uncomfortable, and the risk of pregnancy will be much higher than sex with condom use (roughly on-par with withdrawal). The negative experience of intercourse itself, not to mention eventually having a child (one that you will some day have to convince not to have sex) will turn kids away from sex and toward more productive activities, like the military.
You're welcome, schools of America.

Second Opinion: A Guiles Gonoughan Counter-Solution.

I don't mean to undermine my esteemed colleague, as his assessment of America's Sex Problem and his subsequent solution to the problem are both dead-on (as is to be expected from a Gource co-founder), but as the issue at hand is so important to the Nation's health I feel that my commentary on the matter is worthwhile, if not necessary. While the cone-condom solution is useful in its ability to make the act of intercourse one of appropriate shame and pain, it does nothing to help prevent our nation's children from developing an (unhealthy) desire to fornicate.
So, what can be done about this? Christianity, in its infinite wisdom, has been trying for centuries to eliminate the human sex drive, yet has met with limited results. As a result, I feel that something more must be added to the upbringing of America's youth in order to convey to them the evil of intercourse. The missing ingredient? David Lynch films. Don't get me wrong, I would never recommend that anyone watch one of Lynch's' works for recreational purposes, but the intent to educate supersedes the education system's obligation to treat its subjects like human beings (an obligation that I take issue with). Simply put, forcing students in grades 2 through 12 to watch Blue Velvet and Eraserhead once a month during every school year should be enough to anesthetize whatever base desires religion has failed to eliminate. Implementing this plan on a grand scale could prove difficult given the overwhelming lack of Perfect Public Schools, but I recommend that any Right Minded homeschooling parents who happen to be reading this use their children as preliminary test subjects for my solution. That is all.

Will You Be The First in Your Regiment, Congregation, or Country Club to Own Sensible Publications' Very Latest Release?

Well?

In this age of radical change in dissemination, isn't it comforting to know that there is still a reliable arm of the printed word, one as yet un-sullied by the rampant liberalism in the media? That arm is Sensible Publications, proud offshoot of the Grimary Gource, and it exists to bring you, discerning and loyal reader, books that can be unilaterally trusted. The first release explored and ultimately, of course, solved, a complex subject that has compelled right-minded scholars for decades - how to more effectively facilitate the elimination of one of history's great problems. The world trembles at the much-anticipated upcoming appearence of A Life Without Mistakes, the autobiography of Guiles Gonoughan, Leader of the Army of Reason.

Today, Sensible Publications presents its second release -- again written by myself, Gunðer Gastergack, historian and Captain of Infantry in the Army of Reason:

The Forgotten Victims of Jackie Robinson, by Gunðer Gastergack.

The Yankees were forced to sell six-time All-Star Ewell Blackwell to Kansas City to make room for colored player Elston Howard. A heartbroken Blackwell was pushed into retirement and spent the last years of his life in a lunatic asylum.

In a landmark work, Gastergack has explored one of American baseball's most overlooked paradoxes: that the much-ballyhooed integration of the sport resulted in the loss of the jobs of dozens of capable, experienced men who were merely trying to provide for their families. The average sports fan thinks of the so-called heroics of Robinson and Larry Doby, but what is left unsaid is the fact that for every new black player entering the major leagues between 1947 and 1959, another man had to be let go by the club. Here, the stories of these men are told for the first time.
Gastergack introduces us to men like veteran Dodgers infielder Billy Sullivan, who was just trying to play one more year to pay for his son's operation before being cut to make room for Jackie Robinson. Here too is the story of Dutch Leonard, venerable twenty-year veteran, drinking himself to death after being callously released to make way for Ernie Banks.
The book contains not only heartrending stories like these, but also the larger picture. Gastergack compares this situation to the laying off of Americans in favor of overseas labor that plagues our country today. The Forgotten Victims of Jackie Robinson will forever change the way you view baseball's fallen color line.


Available in Hardcover Only. 289 pages, plus 20-page color insert featuring pictures of players and their families who lost their jobs to blacks. Sensible Publications, 2007.

Music Revue: Miles Donovan - Aren't You Tired of Embarrassing Yourself?

Recently, we here at the Grimary Gource have begun receiving free CDs in the mail, perhaps from people making the assumption that we will positively review these albums and then album sales will finally beat out illegal downloads in the music-consumption race. It is important that we make it known here and now that we are not in the positive music review business, and frankly, the insinuation is fairly insulting. We are unhappy with the state of music today (frankly, everything following the cast recording of "Paint Your Wagon" has fallen flat on these Educated Ears).

That being the case, we were wholly unhappy to receive a new recording from Justice Truck Records, "conveys some feelings" by Miles Donovan.





















To quell interest in future Gource reviews, we here present our feelings on this album:
Mr. Donovan, for all his efforts, has manged to produce a solid three-quarters-hour of some of the most difficult listening material since this. It can be assumed that Mr. Donovan left the third grade for employment in a Dickensian workhouse, as his lyrics have the same nonlyrical quality of a taskmaster's commands and, perhaps, the cracking of a whip over some young guttersnipes' heads. Consider this verse from the track (one hesitates to use the word "song") "Corduroy (Oh Boy Oh Boy)"

Putting them on
Taking them off
I'm putting them all on
Like Rachmaninoff

If Mr. Rachaninoff were alive today, I suspect he would have abandoned the piano, for fear of inadvertently influencing the musical non-stylings of Mr. Donovan. As for Mr. Donovan's alacrity at the keyboard, it is matched only by his ignorance of keys, time signatures, and--one may argue--notes. One can only suspect that he has abandoned the traditional white and black keys in an effort to employ some gray keys, and became so distraught at the discovery that none such keys exist, he opted to create them from an unholy amalgamation of the keys we know, all within measures of cruel, inhumanly punishing length.
Should Mr. Donovan choose to extend his career as a perpetrator of keyboard-related crime and various acts of musical vandalism, one must only suggest that he go the direction of similar types and stay beneath our radar, never to pop up in works of culture ever again.

Our grade: Latino

Independence Day - What Are You Doing to Help this Country?

Today is Independence Day. Today is the most important day of the year. What are you getting The Country for its birthday? What? You haven’t already settled on a gift? Here, I’ll help you get this nation what it wants, all you have to do is answer a few questions.

1) Are you Motivated?
2) Are you literate?
3) Do you love the Christian God?
4) Can you use Harsh Rational Thinking to make important decisions?
5) Are you White?

If you answered “yes” to all five questions then you might be eligible for the Army of Reason, the Grimary Gource’s primary vehicle for national and world improvement. On this, my favorite holiday and the most significant day in the history of the world (including the future) I have decided to open the AR to serious applicants. Be warned, admission is highly selective, and rejection can be based on any number of factors, including, but not limited to: your age, weight, sex, gender, religion, race, ethnicity, height, eye color, and reading speed (those who read less than 450wpm need not apply). Once admitted to the AR your life will not be easy – I am not some videogame-playing slob like half the U.S. Military (God bless them), I am serious about efficiency and victory. If inducted to the AR you will have many responsibilities, including being ready to take up arms at any given moment in order to ensure the survival of logic and decency. If the thought of unloading a magazine of rounds into an obese person simply because that person is obese gives you pause don’t even bother trying to get in, seeds of your feeble nature will find no purchase in the rocky, honorable soil of the AR.

Speaking of obesity, members of the AR must be presentable at all times. Members' BMI's must fall within the suggested range stipulated by America's Moral Physicians. Men’s hair must not exceed 2.5 inches, and Foolish forms of facial hair (moustaches, goatees, soul patches, sideburns) will not be tolerated. Full beards are encouraged as they are often equated with wisdom, but if you’re unable to grow such a wise form of facial hair your face must remain clean-shaven – and I mean straight-razor clean, people who use electric razors are cowards and do not belong in the AR. Women’s appearance guidelines are less stringent, however having two X chromosomes makes admittance into the AR more difficult to begin with. I know that it’s 2007 and that Times have Changed for some, but like Newt Gingrich, I remain wary of women in the ranks of any military institution. Women with any kind of facial hair will not even be considered. The AR has a dress code as well, though I have opted not to write it out and decided instead to rely on simple and easy-to-follow guidelines: no garish colors, no double-breasted coats/jackets, no shorts, no skirts, no shirts with nonsensical and infuriating slogans on them. In fact, your first assignment as a foot soldier in the AR will be to inflict grievous bodily harm upon anyone you find wearing an “Ithaca is Gorges” shirt.

I trust that those who belong will do the right thing (always do the right thing), and I expect to see a number of application essays in my inbox by week’s end. Here are a few essay prompts:

1. In what ways have the powerful Jewish lobby conspired to discredit phrenology as a science?
2. Explicate the harmful nature of "rap" music as it compares to, say, playing chess with The Lord.
3. Imagine you are God. Write a press release explaining that you did not make gay people the way they are. Be creative! And divine!

Keep these to under one hundred words. Your time is swiftly running out.

Air Travel - Why Can't People Do It Better?

Recently, this reporter was put in the uncomfortable position of being on an airplane for about twenty nonconsecutive hours. It was a necessary method for transporting myself to one of America's several follies, though in the future one would do better to take a train, or stay only within the areas of our Nation where white people have succeeded in eliminating all previously extant cultures.
During this time I was unfortunately forced to witness the breaking of many unwritten rules of air travel. As part of a long-term dedication the Gource has to enlightening the masses (and widening the A of R), we present here the Grimary Gource's Now Written (Actually, Typed) Rules of Air Travel. We recommend these rules be made mandatory by all major airlines, with United Nations penalties doled out to noncompliant airlines.

1. The space behind your seat does not belong to you. You are in a seat, and everyone around you is in a seat. All these seats are the same size (unless you are a coach class flier, in which case the Gource suggests you return to trolling for vampire porn, and wonders how you arrived at this site). You do not have any rights to airspace surrounding your seat, because that space is occupied. Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time. Do not lean your seat back. Just being able to do so does not give you the right to do this. If you need to recline to sleep, try not traveling, or possibly booking the whole flight. Stop leaning your seat back and bumping into the knees of people of superior size.
2. Movies shown should all be airplane-related disaster movies, in order to alert travelers to the possibilities of trouble. Snakes on a Plane, Airplane, and Blimp are all acceptable. Wild Hogs, however, is not. Not only does it include miscegenational casting, but it also glorifies motorcycle culture, a culture born of LSD and brake fluid.
3. Eliminate security checkpoints. They take too long to get through, and mingle first- and business-class passengers with coach. Why should we be forced to wait in line with terrorists and garment retailers? If the War on Terror were working, we wouldn't run the risk of terrorism on planes, because all Arabs, Muslims, South Asians, North Africans, biracial, and Hindu people would be outside of our country (possibly in Mexico). Just step up the deportation and let me get on my airplane.
4. Do not bring a baby on an airplane. Put it to sleep, and then make a new one (or not--please) upon return home.

With these tips, the Grimary Gource hopes that air travel will become more convenient for those of us worth it, and less convenient for those who shouldn't be flying anyway. Enough is enough. Unless the situation improves, expect Amtrak to be crowded with members of the A of R, and our money is worth plenty.