As Summer slowly gives way to its more solemn, serious, and respectable follower Autumn, the meteorologists (or weather-diviners for you traditionalists out there) find themselves hard at work taking up precious space and time on television sets across this Country. It’s hurricane season, and the news will Not Shut Up about it.
This in itself is no surprise to me, or anyone with an appropriate knowledge about the Lord and His Plans for the weather’s yearly dance. What’s troubling is the fact that, as a technological society, we have yet to overcome these storms that cost taxpayers, and network news watchers, so much of what they find important. What’s most vexing about the world’s continuing hurricane problem is the fact that it could easily be solved, but pressure from the plywood and evacuation-route sign industries have kept this solution under wraps, in the same way that environmentalists and retards will argue that the fuel industry has fought electric vehicles. Except this time, it’s the truth, and not THC-induced lunacy. Since we here at the Gource (myself especially) are committed to solutions, I will explain how to fix hurricanes for the future, in hopes that this information will be adopted by The Powers That Be in order to keep my television free of unnecessary hurricane coverage.
First, some information about hurricanes: hurricanes are enormous, hulking, water slinging storms that live in the ocean and don’t bother anyone until they stumble into resort-filled third world countries, thus putting rich Americans at risk of getting rained on. Hurricanes are not the world’s smartest weather systems – essentially they head for warm waters whenever possible. Unfortunately for third world islands, the water surrounding their beggar-strewn shores are frequently warmer than the open ocean, thus making them a target for hurricanes. Now, we haven’t got the technology to destroy a hurricane that is already formed, nor can we prevent them from coming into being in the first place. All we can do at the current time is divert them into smaller, poorer, and beach-resort-less islands by heating up the water surrounding said islands with thermonuclear weaponry. With the cooperation of the National Weather Service and the United States Military we could obliterate the hurricane problem as well as the poor island-nation problem and the we-have-too-many-warheads problem all in one fell swoop.
There you have it America, you’re welcome. Again.
P.S.
Before I get two (thousand) emails about how upsetting the use of WMD's on tropical waters would be to the ecosystems of said waters let me remind you, the reader/possible outraged emailer, that fish, hydras, aquatic mammals, and mollusks are among the least remarkable and most endangered species on the planet. Instead of looking at my proposed solution as "environmentally disastrous" try thinking of it as "finishing what we started."
This in itself is no surprise to me, or anyone with an appropriate knowledge about the Lord and His Plans for the weather’s yearly dance. What’s troubling is the fact that, as a technological society, we have yet to overcome these storms that cost taxpayers, and network news watchers, so much of what they find important. What’s most vexing about the world’s continuing hurricane problem is the fact that it could easily be solved, but pressure from the plywood and evacuation-route sign industries have kept this solution under wraps, in the same way that environmentalists and retards will argue that the fuel industry has fought electric vehicles. Except this time, it’s the truth, and not THC-induced lunacy. Since we here at the Gource (myself especially) are committed to solutions, I will explain how to fix hurricanes for the future, in hopes that this information will be adopted by The Powers That Be in order to keep my television free of unnecessary hurricane coverage.
First, some information about hurricanes: hurricanes are enormous, hulking, water slinging storms that live in the ocean and don’t bother anyone until they stumble into resort-filled third world countries, thus putting rich Americans at risk of getting rained on. Hurricanes are not the world’s smartest weather systems – essentially they head for warm waters whenever possible. Unfortunately for third world islands, the water surrounding their beggar-strewn shores are frequently warmer than the open ocean, thus making them a target for hurricanes. Now, we haven’t got the technology to destroy a hurricane that is already formed, nor can we prevent them from coming into being in the first place. All we can do at the current time is divert them into smaller, poorer, and beach-resort-less islands by heating up the water surrounding said islands with thermonuclear weaponry. With the cooperation of the National Weather Service and the United States Military we could obliterate the hurricane problem as well as the poor island-nation problem and the we-have-too-many-warheads problem all in one fell swoop.
There you have it America, you’re welcome. Again.
P.S.
Before I get two (thousand) emails about how upsetting the use of WMD's on tropical waters would be to the ecosystems of said waters let me remind you, the reader/possible outraged emailer, that fish, hydras, aquatic mammals, and mollusks are among the least remarkable and most endangered species on the planet. Instead of looking at my proposed solution as "environmentally disastrous" try thinking of it as "finishing what we started."
1 comment:
Dear Editor,
What happened to the grimary gource? You used to be cool. This used to be the only place for me to get my news that was the least bit sensible.
I even stopped reading other news sources entirely. That was a happy day for me. I remember important issues talked about like "HD radio" and "how sucky airport travel is."
You've sunk to a new low. Reporting on the weather! Sure, journalism is a business too and I know that talking about "the weather" at all probably sold you millions of copies!
Congratulations! You sold out! Some day you'll come back to your real fans crying, and I'll show you the door.
I didn't read the said article "Hurricanes- Why are they still an Issue?" but I didn't have to. It makes me sick. Bravo
Sincerely,
Serpico M. Jones
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