Islamofascismawarenessweek Kickoff Events!

As all right-thinking persons know, this week is Islamofascismawarenessweek, a week devoted to showing the dangers of radical Islam, a problem currently ignored by almost everyone in the United States (and all other White Places on Earth). In brief, the point of Islamofascismawarenessweek is to increase awareness of Islamofascism, a brand of Islam that encompasses all Muslims, the world over. It is high time that someone discussed, for example, the lack of rights given to women in Islamofascistcountries, and American conservatives are the ones to do it.
To get the week started off right, The Gource recommends asking a Muslim person (any one will do) to justify the astonishingly intolerant and inhuman behavior, of, for example, the practice of slavery in the Muslim world as recent as 1878. If they try to deny involvement, you know they are a terrorist.

Hypnotism - Can It be Used For Good?

In a recent article in the Gource, this writer suggested that the world is divided into two main castes: people who are smart and soon to be in charge, and the people who can't spell "gingham." Despite my numerous and broad examples, I was swamped with e-mails and text messages begging me how one could identify and classify members of these two castes. I thought for nearly five minutes about this before coming up with what I know to be a solid solution.
For centuries, there have been men who walk among us and possess a troubling power over most of us. They are called hypnotists. With mere watches or shiny objects, they can make people think something is not true, even if that thing is true. There is known to be no escape from their guiles, right?
No, stupid. Smart people cannot be hypnotized. As a member of this planet's intelligensia, I can say with complete authority that there is nothing on earth that can make me change my mind about an issue, or misunderstand important facts. I am steadfast.
So I encourage one and all to attend any hypnotism shows they can find. See if you can pass the acid test of intelligence. If so, welcome back. If not, don't feel bad. Take heart in knowing that your role as cannon fodder is completely assured.

High Fructose Corn Syrup - Don't We Need More?

Simply put: yes. This country, and to a lesser extent, this hemisphere, need more high fructose corn syrup. If you’re retarded I’ll answer the question that’s probably meandering through your molasses-thick thought process: high fructose corn syrup is mana from heaven, sweet ambrosia that the gods of food engineering saw fit to give mankind. I’ll tell you how I came to the conclusion that HFCS is the greatest nonlethal invention of this earth, it is a story full of sorrow and joy, memories and exploding futures. It’s also pretty brief.
It all started when I was thirsty. Despite my ongoing attempts to stamp out humanities four main drives (hunger, thirst, lust, growing facial hair) I still occasionally succumb to these reprehensible states. And what, in my thirst, a time of great need and terror, was the only available drink? A Snapple peach iced tea. Now, anybody who gives any mind to the Gource (and God knows you should) knows that I hate tea. But here is what I found as I consumed the Snapple: it was wholly tolerable. Why was this? Because the drink is chock full of HFCS goodness.
Time for some extrapolation. If high fructose corn syrup can make a bad thing tolerable, then it can probably make an already good thing excellent. Take it one step further: a thing that is already excellent can be made divine. Some examples: lobster with HFCS, veal with HFCS, firearms with HFCS bullets, robots powered by HFCS, etc.
I know what a lot of people are probably thinking: “wow Guiles, these ideas are so, so good.” Thank you. Now, I also know what an insignificant few of you are thinking: “won’t putting more HFCS in everything exacerbate America’s growing obesity problem, and won’t incidences of diabetes continue to rise?”
Simply put: no. America doesn’t have an obesity problem; America has a fat children problem. Kids these days are fatter than kids of the past, and they keep growing up into fat teenagers and fat adults. Occasionally these fat adults reproduce, like whales, resulting in thousands of sticky eggs full of fat children that somehow find their way to the ceilings and doors of fast food restaurants across this great nation. The cycle is both terrifying and hideous. As far as diabetes is concerned, I’m all for it making a serious comeback. This might seem confusing to you, but I’ve got my reasons, some of which might involve a desire to see Wilford Brimley back in the spotlight, where he belongs.

Hey, Stupid - Do You Want a T-Shirt?

The Grimary Gource is currently offering some fantastic t-shirts available for purchase. They look like this:











































If you want to buy one, send an e-mail to gource.gurchases@gmail.com, and maybe we'll consider it. Specify size and sex. T-shirts cost $20, and if you want us to put your ugly mug on the front, that'll be another $5. Order today and receive the t-shirt you ordered.

Corduroy - Isn't it the Best Material Ever?

I get accused of being too negative very frequently. Lately I’ve been getting letters, phone calls, and faxes from distraught readers begging me to stop being so hostile in my writing, or to at least occasionally write about subject matter that doesn’t make my blood boil with rage and my throat fill with the bile of a disgusted man. So I will acquiesce. I will write about corduroy.

Let’s get one thing straight right now so there won’t be any confusion down the line: corduroy is the best material that clothes can be made out of, especially pants and especially jackets. I myself own upwards of 10 pairs of corduroy pants, with one corduroy jacket for every two pairs of pants. If you’re one of those people who wear denim I’ll do the math for you, since God knows you won’t be able to on your own. That’s five awesome corduroy jackets for a total of fifteen articles of corduroy clothing, excluding underwear and scarves, the numbers for which are murky at best – hey, I can’t be emptying drawers and counting things every time I write an article, I’m a busy man!
On a tangentially related note the Grimary Gource will hopefully soon be offering finely printed T-shirts bearing our aesthetically pleasing logo and a good portion of my brutally handsome visage. Unfortunately the shirts themselves couldn’t be corduroy, as it happens that screen printing on the fantastic material is “problematic.” Whatever.