Children - How Can Our Schools Best Prepare Them for a Life Without Sex?

It is currently July (note: if you are reading this via our archives, the previous clause may not be true), which means we are fast coming up on School Season, a too-short period from about September to about June when parents may foist their progeny on the odiously overpaid teaching staff of our nation's hugely ineffective public schools and its all-too-rare Perfect Public Schools, and, of course, the bastions of democratic education and carpentry, Private Institutions of Learning and Education.
The point here, of course, is that with the coming school year is another exciting opportunity to drastically improve our failing schools. A recent survey of high school-age Americans and Latinos found that over 99% of them think that sexual intercourse between a man and a woman is "physically pleasurable," and about 57% of them "intend to do it someday, I hope." These numbers are shocking and disgusting.
The problem with abstinence-only education is that it assumes that schools can change kids' minds about sex. This is ridiculous. The aforementioned study shows how intent children are on having sex. There is a much better way for us to prevent our nation's young from engaging in this lecherous activity: the dissemination of misinformation.
Our schools need to stop suggesting that prophylactics are bad or nonfunctioning. We need to start recommending the use of actual nonworking prophylactics, but suggesting that they work well. The Gource's idea: sheets of paper rolled into cones. Using these as "condoms," we should explain, is the best-feeling and most effective way of engaging is sexual intercourse without any consequences (even emotional ones). When kids try to cover their penes with these ill-fitting (for most) devices, sex will be painful and uncomfortable, and the risk of pregnancy will be much higher than sex with condom use (roughly on-par with withdrawal). The negative experience of intercourse itself, not to mention eventually having a child (one that you will some day have to convince not to have sex) will turn kids away from sex and toward more productive activities, like the military.
You're welcome, schools of America.

Second Opinion: A Guiles Gonoughan Counter-Solution.

I don't mean to undermine my esteemed colleague, as his assessment of America's Sex Problem and his subsequent solution to the problem are both dead-on (as is to be expected from a Gource co-founder), but as the issue at hand is so important to the Nation's health I feel that my commentary on the matter is worthwhile, if not necessary. While the cone-condom solution is useful in its ability to make the act of intercourse one of appropriate shame and pain, it does nothing to help prevent our nation's children from developing an (unhealthy) desire to fornicate.
So, what can be done about this? Christianity, in its infinite wisdom, has been trying for centuries to eliminate the human sex drive, yet has met with limited results. As a result, I feel that something more must be added to the upbringing of America's youth in order to convey to them the evil of intercourse. The missing ingredient? David Lynch films. Don't get me wrong, I would never recommend that anyone watch one of Lynch's' works for recreational purposes, but the intent to educate supersedes the education system's obligation to treat its subjects like human beings (an obligation that I take issue with). Simply put, forcing students in grades 2 through 12 to watch Blue Velvet and Eraserhead once a month during every school year should be enough to anesthetize whatever base desires religion has failed to eliminate. Implementing this plan on a grand scale could prove difficult given the overwhelming lack of Perfect Public Schools, but I recommend that any Right Minded homeschooling parents who happen to be reading this use their children as preliminary test subjects for my solution. That is all.