Today is Independence Day. Today is the most important day of the year. What are you getting The Country for its birthday? What? You haven’t already settled on a gift? Here, I’ll help you get this nation what it wants, all you have to do is answer a few questions.
1) Are you Motivated?
2) Are you literate?
3) Do you love the Christian God?
4) Can you use Harsh Rational Thinking to make important decisions?
5) Are you White?
If you answered “yes” to all five questions then you might be eligible for the Army of Reason, the Grimary Gource’s primary vehicle for national and world improvement. On this, my favorite holiday and the most significant day in the history of the world (including the future) I have decided to open the AR to serious applicants. Be warned, admission is highly selective, and rejection can be based on any number of factors, including, but not limited to: your age, weight, sex, gender, religion, race, ethnicity, height, eye color, and reading speed (those who read less than 450wpm need not apply). Once admitted to the AR your life will not be easy – I am not some videogame-playing slob like half the U.S. Military (God bless them), I am serious about efficiency and victory. If inducted to the AR you will have many responsibilities, including being ready to take up arms at any given moment in order to ensure the survival of logic and decency. If the thought of unloading a magazine of rounds into an obese person simply because that person is obese gives you pause don’t even bother trying to get in, seeds of your feeble nature will find no purchase in the rocky, honorable soil of the AR.
Speaking of obesity, members of the AR must be presentable at all times. Members' BMI's must fall within the suggested range stipulated by America's Moral Physicians. Men’s hair must not exceed 2.5 inches, and Foolish forms of facial hair (moustaches, goatees, soul patches, sideburns) will not be tolerated. Full beards are encouraged as they are often equated with wisdom, but if you’re unable to grow such a wise form of facial hair your face must remain clean-shaven – and I mean straight-razor clean, people who use electric razors are cowards and do not belong in the AR. Women’s appearance guidelines are less stringent, however having two X chromosomes makes admittance into the AR more difficult to begin with. I know that it’s 2007 and that Times have Changed for some, but like Newt Gingrich, I remain wary of women in the ranks of any military institution. Women with any kind of facial hair will not even be considered. The AR has a dress code as well, though I have opted not to write it out and decided instead to rely on simple and easy-to-follow guidelines: no garish colors, no double-breasted coats/jackets, no shorts, no skirts, no shirts with nonsensical and infuriating slogans on them. In fact, your first assignment as a foot soldier in the AR will be to inflict grievous bodily harm upon anyone you find wearing an “Ithaca is Gorges” shirt.
I trust that those who belong will do the right thing (always do the right thing), and I expect to see a number of application essays in my inbox by week’s end. Here are a few essay prompts:
1) Are you Motivated?
2) Are you literate?
3) Do you love the Christian God?
4) Can you use Harsh Rational Thinking to make important decisions?
5) Are you White?
If you answered “yes” to all five questions then you might be eligible for the Army of Reason, the Grimary Gource’s primary vehicle for national and world improvement. On this, my favorite holiday and the most significant day in the history of the world (including the future) I have decided to open the AR to serious applicants. Be warned, admission is highly selective, and rejection can be based on any number of factors, including, but not limited to: your age, weight, sex, gender, religion, race, ethnicity, height, eye color, and reading speed (those who read less than 450wpm need not apply). Once admitted to the AR your life will not be easy – I am not some videogame-playing slob like half the U.S. Military (God bless them), I am serious about efficiency and victory. If inducted to the AR you will have many responsibilities, including being ready to take up arms at any given moment in order to ensure the survival of logic and decency. If the thought of unloading a magazine of rounds into an obese person simply because that person is obese gives you pause don’t even bother trying to get in, seeds of your feeble nature will find no purchase in the rocky, honorable soil of the AR.
Speaking of obesity, members of the AR must be presentable at all times. Members' BMI's must fall within the suggested range stipulated by America's Moral Physicians. Men’s hair must not exceed 2.5 inches, and Foolish forms of facial hair (moustaches, goatees, soul patches, sideburns) will not be tolerated. Full beards are encouraged as they are often equated with wisdom, but if you’re unable to grow such a wise form of facial hair your face must remain clean-shaven – and I mean straight-razor clean, people who use electric razors are cowards and do not belong in the AR. Women’s appearance guidelines are less stringent, however having two X chromosomes makes admittance into the AR more difficult to begin with. I know that it’s 2007 and that Times have Changed for some, but like Newt Gingrich, I remain wary of women in the ranks of any military institution. Women with any kind of facial hair will not even be considered. The AR has a dress code as well, though I have opted not to write it out and decided instead to rely on simple and easy-to-follow guidelines: no garish colors, no double-breasted coats/jackets, no shorts, no skirts, no shirts with nonsensical and infuriating slogans on them. In fact, your first assignment as a foot soldier in the AR will be to inflict grievous bodily harm upon anyone you find wearing an “Ithaca is Gorges” shirt.
I trust that those who belong will do the right thing (always do the right thing), and I expect to see a number of application essays in my inbox by week’s end. Here are a few essay prompts:
- In what ways have the powerful Jewish lobby conspired to discredit phrenology as a science?
- Explicate the harmful nature of "rap" music as it compares to, say, playing chess with The Lord.
- Imagine you are God. Write a press release explaining that you did not make gay people the way they are. Be creative! And divine!
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