Sally Field - What Does She Know About Anything?

Nothing. What do I know: That I should really just stop committing time to televised award shows, as my track record with these programs hasn’t been great. However, it’s too late to apply this lesson to the Emmys, since I already watched them. Maybe you’ve heard about the alleged controversy that’s risen out of the ashes of this hateful 8 hour stretch of TV. If not, I’ll briefly fill you in.

Sally Field, a woman best known for being famous over thirty years ago for reasons nobody can recall has a well-documented history of terrible acceptance speeches. Apparently she won an Emmy last night (don’t ask me what for, I was fairly engrossed in designing the handsome new logo you no doubt notice at the top of this page. However, as Sally Field began yammering into the microphone I was at once unable to ignore the Emmys. My inability to ignore her was influenced by two things: the idiocy of her words and the infuriating voice God cursed Sally Field with, a voice she used to say her idiotic words. Please endure the following video of the event:



Now, you no doubt know how I feel about fat people, ugly people, irrational people, precocious women, and liberals. How unfortunate for me (and you, and everyone we know) that Sally Field happens to be all five of these things? I’m almost tempted to be annoyed with the Fox Network for failing to provide viewers with an adequate warning about the presence of this troll. I guess, however, their correct decision to cut her off and censor her egregious use of the Lord’s name makes up for their lack of foresight.

The issue is not that celebrities frequently voice their misled, unfounded, and unreasonable opinions on politics (often in the form of poorly structured sentences and/or music), it’s that they continue to get away with it. I realize that there’s a sliver of a margin of a percentage of people who might, inexplicably, agree with Sally Field on the issue of war, but I also know that there is a strong, vocal, and properly hostile majority willing to speak out in favor of the Act. It’s this group’s failure to retaliate that I’m confused by. Why do soldiers, their mothers, and people capable of thought and violence let these Hollywood elitists speak to us this way as though we were helots? This absolutely will not stand, and so I demand you, dear readers, to punch a celebrity square in their face should you happen upon one on the street.

Science and Religion - Isn't it Time they Reconciled?

Now, this should come as no surprise to loyal readers, but I myself am an extremely reasonable man. I grew up in a house where the laws of God and the laws of physics were both followed to the letter. As a result of this sensible upbringing I have matured into the kind of person petty men resent, courageous men respect, and all virtuous women love. Obviously folks like myself are harder to come by than you might expect, especially in portions of the country that put too much or too little emphasis on the two most powerful forces in the universe: God and science.
The fact that God (the Christian one, of course) is magnificently powerful shouldn’t be news to anyone whose postmortem plans involve an extremely nice Kingdom in which to spend eternity. However there are many people – especially on the coasts of this country – who were not brought up with sufficient doses of vitamin G during their formative years. These are people who can frequently be found shouting at government buildings, wearing inappropriate clothes and failing to keep their front yards in good order. However, most were educated in schools that did a decent job of teaching science.
There is another end to this spectrum of unreasonable people – those with plenty of love for the Lord in the many chambers and foyers of their hearts, but without proper knowledge of how the universe fits together on a sub-meta-physical level. These people can often be found in southern states, far-western landlocked states, and states whose names rhyme with “Oh my, no.” It’s fairly obvious that a healthy fear of the invisibly omniscient is extremely important in the making of a Good Person, more important than being able to explain a catalytic converter, but the ability to apply the scientific method to everything that isn’t the Creator of the Universe is still indispensable. This brings me to the conclusion you probably predicted I’d come to had you read the opening question title of this article: Science and Religion (Christianity) need to be a major part of a person’s brain in order for that person to be as terrific as myself. In order to form a more perfect union I suggest that these two great tastes become mandatory in every form of education available to our nation’s youth, from public schools to billboards on lonely interstates. Private schools won’t be required to teach balanced educations, however, as most of their students wind up being the kind of people who are impossible to deal with people no matter what measures are taken. So come on America, improve your mind, improve your soul, download this .pdf, print tons of copies and hang them up everywhere. If people see this flyer hanging in a property that is yours, they will recognize you as one of the rational, religious elite.

Tea - Shouldn't You Stop Drinking It?

Time to feel guilty, America.
It seems that lately, which is to say within the past few years, the popularity of tea has really started to go up. Okay, first of all: what the fuck is everyone’s problem? Tea, like all hot drinks that aren’t cocoa, is nasty as all disaster. Do you even know how it’s made? A man with extremely dirty feet stomps around in a big pile of leaves somebody raked up during the fall time, except the pile of leaves was moved into a barn and it is now the following spring and the guy stomping on the leaves is eating a burrito that isn’t maintaining its structural integrity. Then they put the leaves and toenails into tiny bags that you soak in water until it smells bad enough to drink. Gross.
Second of all: tea-drinkers hate the American dream. Remember in history class, how you learned about the great Anglo-slaughter of seventeen-seventeen-seven? If you’ve forgotten here’s a refresher: the British Tea Alliance tried to destroy the fledgling colony of Satcheltown, but was repelled by the shirtless American forces, a battle that single-handedly solidified America’s stature as a country nobody wants to fuck with. As a result, most American colonies adopted constitutions that forbade the production or consumption of tea, and for a while this country was great. But things change.
The olde time constitutions no longer hold any “legal” power and haven’t since sometime in the early 1940’s, so tea isn’t a controlled substance per se, but the fact of the matter is that it still carries un-American connotations (like civil liberties do in the south, basic fucking etiquette does in the Northeast, or haircuts do in California). However, tea’s unpatriotic message is universal across this great nation. Or, at least if fucking ought to be. So let’s put an end to this liquid equivalent to flag burning. And by the way, stop burning flags.

Protesting Things - Isn't it Time it Stopped?

There are a lot of problems in the world today: bacon shortages, uppity Canadians, exploding dolphins, and the rest, but somehow I manage not to go around protesting everything all the time. Lately it seems that protesting has become the new “in” medium of voicing one’s discontent with various meaningless issues. Look here America, I do not want to have to deal with the Causes of the Unwashed. Sure, there are things that bug me about the universe, like why can’t a guy ever get chocolate covered relish-balls pre-made at my local chocolatier instead of having to use the old Gonoughan family recipe. I know that the store-bought iteration of the delectable delicacy would not live up to the handcrafted goodness to which I am accustomed, but it would save me a lot of time. Do I then put on a garishly painted sandwich board and march my way down to the chocolate dealer of my scorn, waving castanets and rattling torches? No. I take a deep breath, count to three, and imagine a river of blood knee deep flooding the city streets. I don’t feel the need to make myself a nuisance to every fucking human being on the planet just because something’s not going my way.
“But Guiles” a reeking and smoking poncho-wearing “dude” protests as I explain to him my views, twigs falling from his mouth as he speaks “the president is bad and the war in Iraq has to stop and what about Darfur?”
“Yeah!” a rich, white, cause-adopting college suburbanite agrees, “don’t forget that we got to boil all the world’s water supply to make sure it’s clean for Palestine.” She wears a poorly screened shirt depicting Palestine in a pot of boiling water, a logo I am sure nobody thought through. I shake my head in frustration.
People please, I just want to be able to walk down the street without some guy with a haircut asking me if I have a few minutes to spare for the environment, or if I am registered to vote in wherever it is I live, or if I have fucking spare change because the answer to all these questions is the same: “No, no, a thousand times no, take a shower.”
Seriously, isn’t it time this stopped? Isn’t it…time?