Time to feel guilty, America.
It seems that lately, which is to say within the past few years, the popularity of tea has really started to go up. Okay, first of all: what the fuck is everyone’s problem? Tea, like all hot drinks that aren’t cocoa, is nasty as all disaster. Do you even know how it’s made? A man with extremely dirty feet stomps around in a big pile of leaves somebody raked up during the fall time, except the pile of leaves was moved into a barn and it is now the following spring and the guy stomping on the leaves is eating a burrito that isn’t maintaining its structural integrity. Then they put the leaves and toenails into tiny bags that you soak in water until it smells bad enough to drink. Gross.
Second of all: tea-drinkers hate the American dream. Remember in history class, how you learned about the great Anglo-slaughter of seventeen-seventeen-seven? If you’ve forgotten here’s a refresher: the British Tea Alliance tried to destroy the fledgling colony of Satcheltown, but was repelled by the shirtless American forces, a battle that single-handedly solidified America’s stature as a country nobody wants to fuck with. As a result, most American colonies adopted constitutions that forbade the production or consumption of tea, and for a while this country was great. But things change.
The olde time constitutions no longer hold any “legal” power and haven’t since sometime in the early 1940’s, so tea isn’t a controlled substance per se, but the fact of the matter is that it still carries un-American connotations (like civil liberties do in the south, basic fucking etiquette does in the Northeast, or haircuts do in California). However, tea’s unpatriotic message is universal across this great nation. Or, at least if fucking ought to be. So let’s put an end to this liquid equivalent to flag burning. And by the way, stop burning flags.
It seems that lately, which is to say within the past few years, the popularity of tea has really started to go up. Okay, first of all: what the fuck is everyone’s problem? Tea, like all hot drinks that aren’t cocoa, is nasty as all disaster. Do you even know how it’s made? A man with extremely dirty feet stomps around in a big pile of leaves somebody raked up during the fall time, except the pile of leaves was moved into a barn and it is now the following spring and the guy stomping on the leaves is eating a burrito that isn’t maintaining its structural integrity. Then they put the leaves and toenails into tiny bags that you soak in water until it smells bad enough to drink. Gross.
Second of all: tea-drinkers hate the American dream. Remember in history class, how you learned about the great Anglo-slaughter of seventeen-seventeen-seven? If you’ve forgotten here’s a refresher: the British Tea Alliance tried to destroy the fledgling colony of Satcheltown, but was repelled by the shirtless American forces, a battle that single-handedly solidified America’s stature as a country nobody wants to fuck with. As a result, most American colonies adopted constitutions that forbade the production or consumption of tea, and for a while this country was great. But things change.
The olde time constitutions no longer hold any “legal” power and haven’t since sometime in the early 1940’s, so tea isn’t a controlled substance per se, but the fact of the matter is that it still carries un-American connotations (like civil liberties do in the south, basic fucking etiquette does in the Northeast, or haircuts do in California). However, tea’s unpatriotic message is universal across this great nation. Or, at least if fucking ought to be. So let’s put an end to this liquid equivalent to flag burning. And by the way, stop burning flags.
4 comments:
No one leaves comments for you, but today you made it necessary. I don't appreciate the use of the word "f*cking" in my literature. I thought The Grimary Gource was an upstanding puplication. That was until today. I hope George Bush censors you.
I hear that!
this is absolutely hilarious
typo: Or, at least if fucking ought to be.
and i totally agree. two of my sisters drink tea and it makes me sick!
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