Corduroy - Isn't it the Best Material Ever?

I get accused of being too negative very frequently. Lately I’ve been getting letters, phone calls, and faxes from distraught readers begging me to stop being so hostile in my writing, or to at least occasionally write about subject matter that doesn’t make my blood boil with rage and my throat fill with the bile of a disgusted man. So I will acquiesce. I will write about corduroy.

Let’s get one thing straight right now so there won’t be any confusion down the line: corduroy is the best material that clothes can be made out of, especially pants and especially jackets. I myself own upwards of 10 pairs of corduroy pants, with one corduroy jacket for every two pairs of pants. If you’re one of those people who wear denim I’ll do the math for you, since God knows you won’t be able to on your own. That’s five awesome corduroy jackets for a total of fifteen articles of corduroy clothing, excluding underwear and scarves, the numbers for which are murky at best – hey, I can’t be emptying drawers and counting things every time I write an article, I’m a busy man!
On a tangentially related note the Grimary Gource will hopefully soon be offering finely printed T-shirts bearing our aesthetically pleasing logo and a good portion of my brutally handsome visage. Unfortunately the shirts themselves couldn’t be corduroy, as it happens that screen printing on the fantastic material is “problematic.” Whatever.