Simply put: yes. This country, and to a lesser extent, this hemisphere, need more high fructose corn syrup. If you’re retarded I’ll answer the question that’s probably meandering through your molasses-thick thought process: high fructose corn syrup is mana from heaven, sweet ambrosia that the gods of food engineering saw fit to give mankind. I’ll tell you how I came to the conclusion that HFCS is the greatest nonlethal invention of this earth, it is a story full of sorrow and joy, memories and exploding futures. It’s also pretty brief.
It all started when I was thirsty. Despite my ongoing attempts to stamp out humanities four main drives (hunger, thirst, lust, growing facial hair) I still occasionally succumb to these reprehensible states. And what, in my thirst, a time of great need and terror, was the only available drink? A Snapple peach iced tea. Now, anybody who gives any mind to the Gource (and God knows you should) knows that I hate tea. But here is what I found as I consumed the Snapple: it was wholly tolerable. Why was this? Because the drink is chock full of HFCS goodness.
Time for some extrapolation. If high fructose corn syrup can make a bad thing tolerable, then it can probably make an already good thing excellent. Take it one step further: a thing that is already excellent can be made divine. Some examples: lobster with HFCS, veal with HFCS, firearms with HFCS bullets, robots powered by HFCS, etc.
I know what a lot of people are probably thinking: “wow Guiles, these ideas are so, so good.” Thank you. Now, I also know what an insignificant few of you are thinking: “won’t putting more HFCS in everything exacerbate America’s growing obesity problem, and won’t incidences of diabetes continue to rise?”
Simply put: no. America doesn’t have an obesity problem; America has a fat children problem. Kids these days are fatter than kids of the past, and they keep growing up into fat teenagers and fat adults. Occasionally these fat adults reproduce, like whales, resulting in thousands of sticky eggs full of fat children that somehow find their way to the ceilings and doors of fast food restaurants across this great nation. The cycle is both terrifying and hideous. As far as diabetes is concerned, I’m all for it making a serious comeback. This might seem confusing to you, but I’ve got my reasons, some of which might involve a desire to see Wilford Brimley back in the spotlight, where he belongs.
It all started when I was thirsty. Despite my ongoing attempts to stamp out humanities four main drives (hunger, thirst, lust, growing facial hair) I still occasionally succumb to these reprehensible states. And what, in my thirst, a time of great need and terror, was the only available drink? A Snapple peach iced tea. Now, anybody who gives any mind to the Gource (and God knows you should) knows that I hate tea. But here is what I found as I consumed the Snapple: it was wholly tolerable. Why was this? Because the drink is chock full of HFCS goodness.
Time for some extrapolation. If high fructose corn syrup can make a bad thing tolerable, then it can probably make an already good thing excellent. Take it one step further: a thing that is already excellent can be made divine. Some examples: lobster with HFCS, veal with HFCS, firearms with HFCS bullets, robots powered by HFCS, etc.
I know what a lot of people are probably thinking: “wow Guiles, these ideas are so, so good.” Thank you. Now, I also know what an insignificant few of you are thinking: “won’t putting more HFCS in everything exacerbate America’s growing obesity problem, and won’t incidences of diabetes continue to rise?”
Simply put: no. America doesn’t have an obesity problem; America has a fat children problem. Kids these days are fatter than kids of the past, and they keep growing up into fat teenagers and fat adults. Occasionally these fat adults reproduce, like whales, resulting in thousands of sticky eggs full of fat children that somehow find their way to the ceilings and doors of fast food restaurants across this great nation. The cycle is both terrifying and hideous. As far as diabetes is concerned, I’m all for it making a serious comeback. This might seem confusing to you, but I’ve got my reasons, some of which might involve a desire to see Wilford Brimley back in the spotlight, where he belongs.
2 comments:
wow Guiles, these ideas are so, so good
Thank you
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