Christmas Decorations - Don't They Make You Sick Too?

Seriously, what did the lord Jesus Christ do to deserve this kind of tacky-ass treatment? Now before you stop reading and assume that I’m just going to attack the commercialization of Christmas for the next three paragraphs, don’t. I’m not some sort of creepy, middle-aged pastor at a tiny church in America’s beloved heartland – I haven’t got the wardrobe for it – and I don’t mind that the Real God’s birthday has been turned into a furious consumer spectacle. What bothers me is the way that people who lack a real sense of duty to God have decided is an appropriate way to doll up their houses for his birthday.

Listen: just because a snowman can be created using inflatable material does not mean it’s a good idea to buy 4 of them and to station them like corpulent sentries all around your domicile. It may seem remarkable that a nativity scene can be created entirely out of PVC and painted with lifelike precision by machines, but this does not give you license to inflict it upon my eyes every time I pass by your front yard. I didn’t ask for this. God didn’t ask for this. Nobody asked for this. But there it is.
Let me impart some religious education on you, dear readers. Christmas has, despite what some bivouacs might tell you, 3 distinct meanings. They are as follows:

• Family, togetherness, the colors red and green, office parties that everyone laments afterwards. This is the meaning on which God puts the most emphasis.

• Buy everything, and destroy any who impede you in your quest. This is the meaning on which America puts the most emphasis.

• Suicide is a viable option for many, and there’s no better time than now, especially if you put up ugly decorations or knock on my door anytime in December. This is the meaning on which I put the most emphasis.

Keep them in mind, would you? It’s getting colder, and beastly New England is finally recalling that it’s the last month of the year, and that it really ought to be colder at this point than it is. We’re thick with the spirit of things. Hold on though, it’ll be over soon enough.