Global Warming - Is it Ruining Your Life Too?

I don’t know about you, but this global warming business is real trouble, the likes of which we haven’t had to contend with since those long-haired goons started shutting down higher learning institutions in protest of one of America’s better wars. This is serious, folks. In case you’re unaware of the issue, global warming is an affliction our planet might currently be infected with, as it is displaying the textbook symptoms of sunny skies and balmy Decembers.

Most people blame global warming on pollution and red meat, and they’re at least half right. I’ve never considered myself an environmentalist as doing so would force me to forfeit my right to use showers, deodorants, and – most importantly – shoes. However, if pollution is to blame for global warming then I might have to rethink a lot of things, like my insistence on riding only in cars that were originally designed for military use but have been retrofitted for America’s suburban streets, and my habit of leaving every piece of electronic equipment I own on at all times (I do this just in case, you know?).

“But Guiles,” one might ask, “Why do you care so deeply about global warming?” Let me first enumerate reasons that are not important to me: polar ice caps, the rainforest, Alaska, costal cities named Los Angeles, birds, and the hot chocolate industry. What makes global warming such an important issue to me is the impact it has on nature’s fairest season: winter. As I have mentioned before, I am an avid winter enthusiast. The season is set to begin in a week and yet when I stick my hand out the window all I feel is the hateful radiation of this planet’s sun. Right now it’s fifty degrees outside, and this is in a city known for a winter whose brutality exceeds that of most police officers. This is unreasonable. Who will kill the homeless if not Old Man Winter? How can we keep the elderly population under control if they don’t incinerate themselves and their neighbors after forgetting about that old Korean War-era space heater? How will America’s wool farmers sell their products? We need winter, and by God I’m ready to fight for it.