Recently, this reporter was accosted by three girls (I place them somewhere between five and twelve years of age) and a woman (I assume she is the mother of this multiracial coven), all shrieking for customers to partake of their "Girl Scout Cookies!" I doubt very much that I am the only one of us who has, in the past, sampled these cookies peddles by prepubescent rodents. In fact, the Girl Scout Cookie Conglomerate makes over eight billion dollars a year, not including its investments in Darfur's lucrative human waste industry.
Generally, this is a fantastic idea. It is important to develop a sense of entrepreneurship among children, so when we finally abandon this disastrous experiment with public schools, children who cannot afford to go to Schools will know better how to enter into the free market, peddling wares to support their family (a growing one, assuming we also do away with Dangerous Contraceptives). However, there are a few changes that should be made to this system.
First, it is absolutely absurd to waste this training on girls. In this Utopian future I am laying out, girls will of course remain relegated to childbearing and midwifery, sometimes both at once. The Girl Scout Cookie Industry would do well to shift its focus from girls to boys. And yes, let's call it the Boy Scout Cookie Empire.
Next, children are well-known to be the most deceitful people alive. Many people believe that children cannot lie, but those people are just too stupid to recognize lies when a child is telling them. Truth must be learned. For this reason, most of us know that only a fool would buy something being sold by a child. People dumb enough to stop at a child-made lemonade stand are often treated to a refreshing cup of urine for their trouble. In a regular economy, children could never compete. The only reason people buy Girl Scout Cookie Products is that the children rarely stop yelling until one has purchased their products, which are generally known to be tolerable but overpriced.
For this reason, it would well-behoove us to place adults in charge of
the cookie-selling department, using children as fronts (like Welch's fruit drinks). Only adults possess the guile necessary to bring these cookies to their full selling potential. Purchasing a box of cookies should not be nourishment--it should be an investment. For this reason, it may make sense to change the name to the Holy Man Scout Cookie Empire, Inc.
The Gource is not in the business of handing out free business advice. Clearly, our t-shirt emporium keeps us rolling in money, which we always put back into this Grousing Revolution. That's why the Gource is immediately copyrighting the name "Holy Man Scout Cookie Empire, Inc." When the Girl Scouts decide to get serious, they know how to reach us.
First, it is absolutely absurd to waste this training on girls. In this Utopian future I am laying out, girls will of course remain relegated to childbearing and midwifery, sometimes both at once. The Girl Scout Cookie Industry would do well to shift its focus from girls to boys. And yes, let's call it the Boy Scout Cookie Empire.
Next, children are well-known to be the most deceitful people alive. Many people believe that children cannot lie, but those people are just too stupid to recognize lies when a child is telling them. Truth must be learned. For this reason, most of us know that only a fool would buy something being sold by a child. People dumb enough to stop at a child-made lemonade stand are often treated to a refreshing cup of urine for their trouble. In a regular economy, children could never compete. The only reason people buy Girl Scout Cookie Products is that the children rarely stop yelling until one has purchased their products, which are generally known to be tolerable but overpriced.
For this reason, it would well-behoove us to place adults in charge of
the cookie-selling department, using children as fronts (like Welch's fruit drinks). Only adults possess the guile necessary to bring these cookies to their full selling potential. Purchasing a box of cookies should not be nourishment--it should be an investment. For this reason, it may make sense to change the name to the Holy Man Scout Cookie Empire, Inc.The Gource is not in the business of handing out free business advice. Clearly, our t-shirt emporium keeps us rolling in money, which we always put back into this Grousing Revolution. That's why the Gource is immediately copyrighting the name "Holy Man Scout Cookie Empire, Inc." When the Girl Scouts decide to get serious, they know how to reach us.
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