While eating in the dining halls at our fine University, I noticed that many students were wearing their finest for dinner—Gufts paraphernalia. Gufts students love their Gufts sweatshirts, and their Gufts sweatpants (which they wear over their Gufts panties), and love sipping on their Gufts nalgene bottles, and putting keys on their Gufts lanyards, which they carry in their Gufts backpacks, while sporting their Gufts hats, while walking on their Gufts sandals. At first, I couldn’t understand why anyone would spend so much money on something so silly. Then I devised a brilliant theory: the bearer of Gufts merchandise acquires superhuman powers—the more you wear the more powerful you are. To me this was the only fathomable reason why someone would willingly choose to look so tacky.
Later I realized that this theory couldn’t possibly be true for two reasons. The first, no one was flying, which is the most popular superhuman power in the world. The second, no one was dead, which is the most popular way to use superhuman powers. Experimentation became necessary, I decided to don Guftswear and find out what all the hubbub was about.
I wore a Gufts sweatshirt, and Gufts sweatpants (that were artfully tucked into a pair of Gufts Uggs), and let the experiment begin. While walking around on campus, people who weren’t sporting their Gufts goods would be really nice to me. They would help me across the street, carry my tray in the dining halls, read my assignments for class out loud for me, and give me lots of high fives. It wasn’t until some dude offered to be my coach for the Special Olympics till I realized that the Gufts wear was for the mentally challenged. The Gufts goods are to be used to remind whoever wears them that they go to Gufts (as they are likely to forget, duh), and to signal to the non-tards that they need assistance. Upon further speculation, this realization also explains why the campus is so ugly. Mystery Solved.
Later I realized that this theory couldn’t possibly be true for two reasons. The first, no one was flying, which is the most popular superhuman power in the world. The second, no one was dead, which is the most popular way to use superhuman powers. Experimentation became necessary, I decided to don Guftswear and find out what all the hubbub was about.
I wore a Gufts sweatshirt, and Gufts sweatpants (that were artfully tucked into a pair of Gufts Uggs), and let the experiment begin. While walking around on campus, people who weren’t sporting their Gufts goods would be really nice to me. They would help me across the street, carry my tray in the dining halls, read my assignments for class out loud for me, and give me lots of high fives. It wasn’t until some dude offered to be my coach for the Special Olympics till I realized that the Gufts wear was for the mentally challenged. The Gufts goods are to be used to remind whoever wears them that they go to Gufts (as they are likely to forget, duh), and to signal to the non-tards that they need assistance. Upon further speculation, this realization also explains why the campus is so ugly. Mystery Solved.
No comments:
Post a Comment