Snow Days - Why Do Schools Have Them?

The Grimary Gource’s Ear in Baltimore reported yesterday to HQ that several Baltimore schools had been closed due to very little snow. A Gource Grouser in Ohio reported similar facts. Boston, however, also felt a great deal of snow, but classes were carried on as usual. At this point, readers are probably wondering: who’s in the right?

Boston is. It is wholly ridiculous to close classes due to snow. A recent study by the University of Harvard (soon to be defunct) showed that most students learn absolutely nothing when not in the classroom (this is by no means to suggest that homework is not a worthwhile endeavor; it keeps children off the streets). Closing classes will make children one day stupider, and thus they will fall behind the schools that have not been closed. This is exactly the reason why Boston has so many of America’s upper-tier schools, while Ohio and Baltimore are known primarily for student riots and other errors due to lack of education.
Regardless of how heavy a snow is, schools should remain open. The students who want it the most will be the ones who make it to school, and they will be duly rewarded by being a day ahead of their classmates in education. It is well documented that Albert Einstein never missed a day of school his entire life, including weekends and his middle age. As a result, he was a fantastic student and would one day come up with a way to kill more Japanese than had ever been killed before. Schooled.