We’ve all been there: you’re riding the Red Line en route to somewhere wonderful – like the movies – and all of a sudden life gets a whole lot more terrible. The cause of this terrible? An ugly person has just boarded your subway car. This is the sort of thing that always happens, usually at throwaway stops like Central or Charles MGH. I don’t know about you, but I hate having to look at ugly people, and one really isn’t given much choice when boxed up in a rattling subway car full of hideousness.
“But Guiles” you say, “ugly people are people too.” Dear admirer you are incorrect. Admittedly ugly people are people inasmuch as they walk around on two legs (sometimes), consume food, have dreams, and read TV Guide. But they differ from Attractive People in a very important way: they’re fucking awful to witness. I swear to God, in this era of sue-happy Americans I’m surprised that nobody’s yet leveled a suit at these public-transportation-using abominations. Think of the damages – emotional, physical (throwing up after seeing an ugly person is an example of physical damages), and spiritual.
I feel that the spiritual repercussions of seeing ugly people are the most significant. If – God willing – you’re like me you’re a staunch believer in a benevolent/extremely vengeful God. Obviously this God loves me (what’s not to love?) and wants me to be a happy guy. Why then would he create creatures of such offensive appearance? Simply by existing these people are waging a hard-to-look-at war on one of my many Constitutionally Protected Freedoms (CPF’s), and quite frankly I just can’t handle this. I realize I can’t just ask ugly people to stop existing, especially with the economy in the state it’s in, but I can ask that they politely find other means of getting from point A to point B, means that don’t involve me having to lay eyes on them. Honestly ugly people, just walk. Do it for me. Do it for the Gource.
“But Guiles” you say, “ugly people are people too.” Dear admirer you are incorrect. Admittedly ugly people are people inasmuch as they walk around on two legs (sometimes), consume food, have dreams, and read TV Guide. But they differ from Attractive People in a very important way: they’re fucking awful to witness. I swear to God, in this era of sue-happy Americans I’m surprised that nobody’s yet leveled a suit at these public-transportation-using abominations. Think of the damages – emotional, physical (throwing up after seeing an ugly person is an example of physical damages), and spiritual.
I feel that the spiritual repercussions of seeing ugly people are the most significant. If – God willing – you’re like me you’re a staunch believer in a benevolent/extremely vengeful God. Obviously this God loves me (what’s not to love?) and wants me to be a happy guy. Why then would he create creatures of such offensive appearance? Simply by existing these people are waging a hard-to-look-at war on one of my many Constitutionally Protected Freedoms (CPF’s), and quite frankly I just can’t handle this. I realize I can’t just ask ugly people to stop existing, especially with the economy in the state it’s in, but I can ask that they politely find other means of getting from point A to point B, means that don’t involve me having to lay eyes on them. Honestly ugly people, just walk. Do it for me. Do it for the Gource.
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