Gourcegiving Grouses Part 2: The Meal - Does it Ever Go Right?

Probably not. I have to admit that I have little to no personal experience with Thanksgiving dinner, since the Gonoughan clan is a sensible one, and we tend not to buy into ridiculous pageantry and foolish gluttony. As for my single self, well I’m just not a proponent of meals in any form. However, according to most of the people who’re fortunate enough to know me, Thanksgiving dinner is a very special occasion for a lot of families. This confuses me though, since it seems hard to believe that an annual disaster can hold such a special place in the hearts of the masses.
“An annual disaster? What are you talking about, Guiles?” Dear reader, I’m talking about Thanksgiving. Oh, I know, I’m sure your family’s celebration is always just as Norman Rockwell as can be, but the truth of the matter is this is not the case for the majority of the world. Don’t believe me? Try watching a sitcom for once in your life. Never (and I mean rarely) do these Thanksgiving dinners go off without one to twelve hitches, usually within the space of 22 minutes. Sometimes it’s just a small snag, like the dog dies because the mom fed the dog turkey giblets (all dogs are allergic to giblets). Other times the problems faced on Thanksgiving are greater, like when a boy has to talk to one of his insane aunts, and she is just so terrible to look at. He has to be polite though, because alcoholism isn’t something you’re allowed to get angry with someone over. Which is bullshit. These are the sorts of things that can only happen when everyone from a family is foolish enough to congregate under one roof.
And why turkey? This is a bird that nature has done its best to convince us not eat. It’s flightless, making it not fun to catch and slaughter, it’s brown (nature’s most boring color), and it’s hideous. What more do you people need? Maybe a stone tablet signed by God himself reading, “seriously, stop eating turkeys” would do it. But no, the unwashed opt instead to jam stuffing into the cavity the bird’s innards once occupied. That is seriously gross America.
Finally, I take issue with the giving thanks aspect of Thanksgiving. Thanking someone is admitting appreciation, and if someone knows you appreciate them then they’re bound to stop trying so hard to earn your approval. Is Thanksgiving just one gigantic scheme to get everyone in America to take each other for granted? Probably. The subversive nature of this damnable holiday makes me sick, the kind of sick that has to go sit in front of a TV for four to six hours instead of trying desperately to warn the world at a large about the danger sitting around interacting with their families poses. You’re on your own come next year.