People with Problems - Why do They Always Want to Talk About Them?

Anybody alive in this era of bit-rates and LCD’s is sure to be under a lot of stress, certainly more than their ancestors who were terrified (but not stressed out by) teletype machines back in 1925. I can appreciate that various changes in the social and political climate since then have given people a lot more leeway in terms of what is “okay” to talk about, but there’s one area of free speech that’s really been getting on my nerves lately: problems.
People it is time for you to stop talking about your problems, and more specifically, talking to me about your problems. It’s not that I don’t understand, or that I’m a compassionless shell of an Adonis of a man. It’s just that having to listen to the lamentations on daily life with which people I know constantly bombard me makes me want to tear their mandible from their skull, leaving their face distorted, hideous, and unable to articulate their vocalizations into such words as “this is the problem I’m having,” or “here’s what’s bothering me.”
“Why such a problem with problems, Guiles?” you ask, your word choice a conscious decision made in an effort to alleviate the gravity of the situation (no dice, nosebleed). Here’s why: often times when people have a complaint they wish to discuss they often want to complain about me. Now, I am highly aware of the importance of complaining, as is self-evident, but when someone has an issue with me two things happen. First: I get confused, because what on earth could someone possibly find to complain about with respect to me? Second: I get angry, because if this person has a problem with me they are obviously unfit intellectually to even engage me in conversation, meaning that whenever I hear their voice my time is being wasted.
Listening to people’s problems that don’t directly involve me is also tortuous, as I’m sure some of you know. These trouble-factories who are constantly whining seem unable to schedule their sob-story-sessions at convenient times. Usually it’s a phone call at an unreasonable time (any hour greater than 1 and less than 10, a.m.) that sets into motion these unpleasant exchanges. And, this being Gufts University, 93% of all people with problems are piss-ass drunk at the aforementioned hours. My avalanche of resentment towards the intoxicated is an entirely different grouse, one that would require more pages than I’ve got years to my name, so I will not go into it now.
The point is this: if you’re having trouble with your love life, your social life, your sense of political efficacy, your family, a medical condition, finances, or whatever, remember that hearing about it only makes me root against you that much harder.