Today I found myself face-to-face with something that the average human being hopes to never encounter: a Mario Bros. ringtone. The phone within which it resided belonged to a person that appeared tolerable, even genial. There is a lesson to be learned from my observation (as always): even if you think a person can be dealt with, he or it probably cannot. Be. Dealt. With.
The sort of person who would possess a phone containing a Mario Bros. ringtone is ineffably the sort of person who would drive a 10-speed bicycle on the sidewalk, or vomit in a mailbox. This is a social ill that must be corrected and cured, like polio or poverty or perversion. And I think any reasonable reader of this publication can recognize that Mario Bros. rings are not the only existing ringtones that show their owners’ true colors: popular “hip-hop” song ringtones are often tied to pedophilia and suicide, TV show theme songs have been known to appeal to people who purchase faded denim and cowboy hats.
There is only one solution here. Actually, strike that. The solution I am about to present is one that not only corrects this malady, but also serves to aid and abet the correction of nearly every problem we face as a society: uniformity. How do we stop people from shooting out windows? Force them to act like everybody else: leering at mannequins. How do we stop people from giving birth to children with deformities? Force them to tearily ge
t abortions, like every teenager. And how do we stop people from getting ringtones that bother the average Caucasian? Mandate identical ringtones for all persons, regardless of height.
The ringtone I would humbly recommend is minute seven of “The Murder Mystery” by the Velvet Underground. This suitably gets the attention of anyone nearby, a message that says: “Listen up! There is a person here with important business to attend to! More important than you! Goodbye!” Furthermore: imagine a roomful of people with their cell phones going off. The sweet cacophony would alert all present that we live in a better, less diverse world.
The sort of person who would possess a phone containing a Mario Bros. ringtone is ineffably the sort of person who would drive a 10-speed bicycle on the sidewalk, or vomit in a mailbox. This is a social ill that must be corrected and cured, like polio or poverty or perversion. And I think any reasonable reader of this publication can recognize that Mario Bros. rings are not the only existing ringtones that show their owners’ true colors: popular “hip-hop” song ringtones are often tied to pedophilia and suicide, TV show theme songs have been known to appeal to people who purchase faded denim and cowboy hats.
There is only one solution here. Actually, strike that. The solution I am about to present is one that not only corrects this malady, but also serves to aid and abet the correction of nearly every problem we face as a society: uniformity. How do we stop people from shooting out windows? Force them to act like everybody else: leering at mannequins. How do we stop people from giving birth to children with deformities? Force them to tearily ge
t abortions, like every teenager. And how do we stop people from getting ringtones that bother the average Caucasian? Mandate identical ringtones for all persons, regardless of height.The ringtone I would humbly recommend is minute seven of “The Murder Mystery” by the Velvet Underground. This suitably gets the attention of anyone nearby, a message that says: “Listen up! There is a person here with important business to attend to! More important than you! Goodbye!” Furthermore: imagine a roomful of people with their cell phones going off. The sweet cacophony would alert all present that we live in a better, less diverse world.
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