Look, America. It's time to shape up. Here I am talking to the men (women, take a lap). For too long men have gotten by on not knowing how to do a tie, and that is absolutely ridiculous. This is tantamount to sitting down while peeing, or using a tissue to blow one's nose. With the loss of the doing-a-tie ability follows the loss of any facet of masculinity, until the United States is just an enormous island of Lesbos, where there are women and there are men who can't do ties (women).
Let me cut you off there as you try to announce loudly that women you know are able to do ties. Shut up. This is an abomination. There are plenty of men whose wives or fiancees do their ties for them; there are also plenty of babies whose mommies wipe their asses. Time to grow up and be a man. If your woman is doing your tie, you have completely ceded any sort of male responsibility. Unacceptable.
There was a time when being a man meant doing one's own tie, and hunting animals, and flexing nuts. Historically, men who could do their own ties were 89% more likely to gain political stardom than those who could not. Know your facts. Today, the figure is closer to 760%. Which means that those men who cannot do their own ties create a power vacuum, one that can only be filled by women, children, or animals. Get fucking serious.
This means no more clip-on ties. Even bow ties. Learn to do those, because then you can undo it at the end of a long night and you'd look great. But you have no sense of this, because the closest you've ever gotten to a tuxedo is one of those t-shirts. Throw that out.
Until men can do their own ties with a 100% success rate, they (I am a man, but I can do my own ties, so I need not include myself here) will continue to be relegated to backhoe operation and Chinese food preparation. What a sorry state for us to be in.
Let me cut you off there as you try to announce loudly that women you know are able to do ties. Shut up. This is an abomination. There are plenty of men whose wives or fiancees do their ties for them; there are also plenty of babies whose mommies wipe their asses. Time to grow up and be a man. If your woman is doing your tie, you have completely ceded any sort of male responsibility. Unacceptable.
There was a time when being a man meant doing one's own tie, and hunting animals, and flexing nuts. Historically, men who could do their own ties were 89% more likely to gain political stardom than those who could not. Know your facts. Today, the figure is closer to 760%. Which means that those men who cannot do their own ties create a power vacuum, one that can only be filled by women, children, or animals. Get fucking serious.
This means no more clip-on ties. Even bow ties. Learn to do those, because then you can undo it at the end of a long night and you'd look great. But you have no sense of this, because the closest you've ever gotten to a tuxedo is one of those t-shirts. Throw that out.
Until men can do their own ties with a 100% success rate, they (I am a man, but I can do my own ties, so I need not include myself here) will continue to be relegated to backhoe operation and Chinese food preparation. What a sorry state for us to be in.
2 comments:
Lesbos is an island.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lesbos_Island
It's odd that a man as "worldly" as yourself would proclaim complete ignorance of the historical significance of the Isle of Lesbos, as well as snubbing Turkey so thoroughly by favoring the many unimportant islands in Greece. Perhaps you, like Michael Richards, have much to work on.
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