Imagine this: you’re on your way to see a movie (for the purpose of this hypothetical the movie does not have Sean Penn in it, so it might actually be good) and you plan on meeting a couple of your friends at the theater because you’re all coming from different places. They’re on the way to the theater from their designated polling place, and you’re on the way from your residence since you, being a well-informed and probably groomed reader of this fine internet-publication are of the mental capacity to realize that voting is mostly stupid since most of the people who do it are dumb. What, given this situation, can you safely assume? The friends that you plan on meeting will be late, you will miss the previews, and the entire movie-going experience will be ruined. Why is this? Because punctuality is dead.
I don’t know when it happened, I’m not a historian nor am I boring enough a person to follow trends and graphs regarding punctuality, but at least I am capable of adhering to schedules. The simple and terrible fact is that more often than not people are getting places later than when they promise to, and this is the sort of thing that makes me so sick that my Pepto Bismol expenditures have gotten a little out of hand as of late. There is absolutely no excuse for this, since the average person now has with them upwards of 5 devices containing clocks at all times – cell phones, watches, iPods, laptops, more cell phones. Granted, only 4% of the population with these things is capable of successfully setting their devices’ internal clocks.
I’ve been thinking about this whole affair for awhile now, and after much deliberation I feel comfortable putting on my finger-pointing glove so that I may place the blame squarely on the guiltiest culprit: the institution of breakfast. For a little while this country was extremely supportive of keeping breakfast brief, clean, and simple, and our economy flourished as a result of it. Think back to about ten years ago – you couldn’t watch TV for ten minutes without seeing a commercial for a breakfast bar, shake, or injection of some kind, one that promised to keep you on time and on-the-go. But at some point all that changed, and America went back to sitting down to heaping plates of food-that-requires-preparation. This results in a morning meal that takes too long (causing immediate lateness) and contributes to this country’s terrifying fat-kid situation (causing long-term lateness). At this rate things can only get worse.
So here’s the solution folks: put down the forks, spoons, knives, and mugs of scalding Columbian bitterness – you won’t need them for the answer to all your future schedule and nutrition-related prayers. Start your day the way I start mine: a 12 oz can of Coke, and a multivitamin. I call it “The American Breakfast,” since it is extremely good for this country. It’s mercilessly efficient and extremely easy to make, especially if you can get a bottle of multivitamins that don’t have a child-proof lid. This will make your life better, this will make the world better.
I don’t know when it happened, I’m not a historian nor am I boring enough a person to follow trends and graphs regarding punctuality, but at least I am capable of adhering to schedules. The simple and terrible fact is that more often than not people are getting places later than when they promise to, and this is the sort of thing that makes me so sick that my Pepto Bismol expenditures have gotten a little out of hand as of late. There is absolutely no excuse for this, since the average person now has with them upwards of 5 devices containing clocks at all times – cell phones, watches, iPods, laptops, more cell phones. Granted, only 4% of the population with these things is capable of successfully setting their devices’ internal clocks.
I’ve been thinking about this whole affair for awhile now, and after much deliberation I feel comfortable putting on my finger-pointing glove so that I may place the blame squarely on the guiltiest culprit: the institution of breakfast. For a little while this country was extremely supportive of keeping breakfast brief, clean, and simple, and our economy flourished as a result of it. Think back to about ten years ago – you couldn’t watch TV for ten minutes without seeing a commercial for a breakfast bar, shake, or injection of some kind, one that promised to keep you on time and on-the-go. But at some point all that changed, and America went back to sitting down to heaping plates of food-that-requires-preparation. This results in a morning meal that takes too long (causing immediate lateness) and contributes to this country’s terrifying fat-kid situation (causing long-term lateness). At this rate things can only get worse.
So here’s the solution folks: put down the forks, spoons, knives, and mugs of scalding Columbian bitterness – you won’t need them for the answer to all your future schedule and nutrition-related prayers. Start your day the way I start mine: a 12 oz can of Coke, and a multivitamin. I call it “The American Breakfast,” since it is extremely good for this country. It’s mercilessly efficient and extremely easy to make, especially if you can get a bottle of multivitamins that don’t have a child-proof lid. This will make your life better, this will make the world better.
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