Tape - Do We Still Use This Stuff?

Tape is nearly ubiquitous around a college campus. I am not referring to video or audiotape, both of which went out with Jeff Goldblum and the dinosaurs. Rather, I refer to strips of adhesive used for mending and other activities almost certain to frustrate a skilled craftsman with exacting demands (like myself, or Frank Gehry).

Tape never works. In a recent study done by an unbiased survey company, Consumer Advocates Against Tape, 76% of adhesive tape goes unsticky after twenty-five minutes, and the other 14% was never purchased. It is wise consumers like myself and Ralph Nader who know to avoid tape when putting this back together. There is only one thing that can genuinely get the job done, 100% of the time: Staples.
It is only idiots who cannot properly use staples, and you can tell who they are by the vampire bite-like holes in their thumbs where they got overzealous with a machine clearly too sophisticated for their Rice Krispies-like brains. These are the same Greenstreets who end up severing the top corner of their papers, simply because they are too bumblingly awkward to use staples to keep several pieces of paper in order.
Think about it: staples never die, they cannot rust, and they are unbreakable by all but Samuel L. Jackson. Realistically, there is no reason to use anything but staples to put things back together. This includes marriages.